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Senin, 03 September 2012
Freedom From Bondage, It is Your Choice
Copyright 2006 Marshall House
Issues of freedom or bondage often surface in individuals and organization. Words other than freedom or bondage may be used: e.g., powerlessness, control, victimization, safety, limitations, restrictions, trust, confinement, oppression, suppression. At the base of all these negative issues is fear. Fear, however, is more difficult for some folks to admit or face than one of these other concepts, so I find it is often wise to avoid the word "fear" which can sometimes feel like an accusation.
Freedom and Bondage Issues
In organizations, the issue may be the bondage related to perceived limited resources or shortsighted policies. For subordinates, restrictions of management or lack of personal skills/experience are often mentioned. For individuals who feel trapped in relationships, concerns around expressing truth are prevalent, as are feelings of entrapment with respect to judgments.
You may find it helpful to consider the words "freedom" and "bondage" in the broadest sense of their definitions. At the same time, consider your own personal issues related to freedom and bondage. The concept of each word is contained it its opposite.
The Energy of Freedom and Bondage
Freedom and bondage and the other euphemisms all have energetic components. That is, when someone feels free, his or her freedom is represented in the energy field. By the same token, expressions of lack of freedom or feelings of victimization or patterns of powerlessness or control issues present themselves in the energy field. One of my gifts is the ability to perceive how these issues present themselves in the energy field and facilitate appropriate shifts. The energy field has many layers and levels and cycles. There is an interlacing of horizontal and vertical lines and movement that presents itself in waves.
When we work in deeper energetic dimensions, we can save years of therapy or thousands of dollars in consulting fees. Make no mistake, individuals and organizations have to be ready to work energetically on these issues in order for deep, fast, and lasting results. Energetic work is not fast-food consciousness. Those who respond best to energetic work have usually already spent many hours in personal development or organizational change efforts. Conscious awareness attracts and expands conscious awareness. Directing people to images that represent their experiences sometimes has the added benefit of distracting them from defending their experiences; as they become interested in a color or illusion or sound, their resistance lessens.
Case Study in Energetic Freedom from Bondage
Following is a summary of a portion of a session with a client in the Personal Energetic Clearing Process. Some of the images may seem strange to you, but I encourage you to read the article through to the end.
Chad (a pseudonym, of course) had attended many of my workshops over several years, so he was quite familiar with my approach when he began working with me on a one-to-one basis. In this particular session, we honed in on fear, sadness, and anger, most of which appeared to be lodged in his chest energetically.
In the energy field I could see the appearance of metal plates on his right ankle. I called them "shackles" but they did not embrace the whole ankle, nor were they locked. That is not my idea of very secure shackles, which was precisely the point! He needed only to reach down and lift them off. As I talked about the shackles, I could feel the fear immediately well up in him, primarily around the chest. His breathing became labored and tears came to his eyes. He agreed to removing the shackles, which we did gently together, one piece at a time. I worked with green healing energy to soothe the areas as we worked on them.
I was careful to move at a pace that allowed Chad to integrate what was happening. I detected no resistance in him. He was ready. A part of him wanted it to happen fast, but we were both more interested in depth. He felt and talked about the fears: fear of freedom, fear of stepping out, fear of leaving a structured life, fear of......, and just plain fear.
Emotions and Energetic Forms
We worked with the fears energetically and found that they were woven with anger and sadness. Chad's thoughts were flooded with pictures of slavery and other oppression.
We worked with a variety of energetics and energetic techniques to dissipate the hardened emotions. Three golden cosmic catheters went into his heart, providing immediate emotional relief and easier breathing. Geometric cones, concave triangles, and golden spheres were inserted all around the heart space. His legs absorbed vibrant cones to provide greater balance.
I had not forgotten the chains and shackles that I had removed from his ankle that sat waiting in the energy field. We returned to them several times for information they contained.
Many images and memories and waves of energy passed through my own consciousness -- too many to report. No reports were needed, however, because Chad was able to connect with these events in his own way. He required almost no verbal input from me, which allowed me to stay focused on the energy work. And then the time came when the chains and shackles were to be released from his energy field. Angelic beings, waiting patiently at the sidelines, came forward when asked and gathered up the metal pieces and flew away with them. Their sweet energy provided another dimension of healing. It was an honor to work with them, as always.
My Suggestions to Enhance Chad's Personal Work
I told Chad that he was likely to be releasing fear, anger, and sadness over the next few days and weeks. I suggested that some of the releases may be surprising, perhaps strangely unemotional or strongly emotional. I offered him a list of simple releasing techniques, like singing, screaming at the beach, breathing deeply, pounding his chest while making sounds, and crying.
I find that suggesting specific releasing techniques is quite helpful for most clients. The truth is that any technique will work if the proper intention is present, and that no technique will work in the absence of a proper intention. I find that techniques assist people to uncover and focus on their true intention.
The Significance of Energetic Freedom from Bondage
More than three years after doing this session with Chad, he said he was deeply empowered by the experience. The empowerment showed in his face. He considered this and one other event in the Personal Energetic Clearing Process were pivotal to his transformation. My private practice is filled with similar sessions of energetic freedom, so that I can say that this is not an isolated, chance event.
As folks like Chad have the courage to remove their shackles, my own lift more easily. I speak more freely about the true nature of my work. At one time I would not have reported such a case as this in the Marshall House Journal. Now I delight in sharing this experience via the Internet!
Humanity has been in one form of bondage or another for thousands of years. Individuals feel entrapped in relationships. Layers of society feel stuck in homelessness or poverty. Individuals feel unable to speak their truth. Groups are enslaved by other groups. Victims and victimizers still find each other. We feel bound by our past.
But are we really? Perhaps it is as simple as reaching down and lifting off the unlocked shackles!
Kamis, 23 Agustus 2012
Fight for your Self-Worth!
Self-Worth; this is a word that is so much easier to say, and spell then it is to feel!
Why do so many women feel that they have no self-worth?
How did they lose it?
Is it because of the way the world has portrayed the perfect woman today?
Is it because someone took it from them?
Is that the void some fill by over eating?
Did their partner breach a trust?
Did their partner fall into the grips of the world of pornography?
Does their partner demean them with insults about how they look?
Did their partner continuously admire other women?
Did they grow up being ridiculed by a family member?
Have they been suffering from a controlling illness?
Were they bullied and criticized through their school years?
Were they sexually abused as a child?
Were they laughed at in a moment of vulnerability?
Were they ever raped?
All of these experiences definitely play a part in pouring a woman's self-worth right down the drain. The people causing these kind of negative actions are totally responsible for tearing down a woman's worth. To tear down a persons self-worth is one of the cruelest ways to treat a human being. It is a no win situation for that person. They cannot fight back. They are being attacked with a blindfold on. You have succeeded in humiliating them, and you have won that battle. Well, that's not a real brag story, because anyone can win against innocence. The true win is when the battle turns around. The true win is when the person who has lost their self-worth, stands up and takes that control back.
For those of you that have been through this battle and are struggling to just get up on an elbow, or feel empty inside and so alone that you wonder why you even get up in the morning, you can beat this!
Listen to me! You are not responsible for falling, or losing the battle. But you are TOTALLY responsible for getting back up. Yes that's right, it is you that has to pull it together. I know, it's a joke to even think about it, but you need to go back as far back as you can and find a place where in your mind that will make you smile. If you cannot, then try to think of someone that you know that is hurting more deeply that yourself and use that knowledge as your motivation. Go there in your mind. Use that thought to give you a reason to get up and pull yourself together. Your self-worth is worth fighting for. You are as strong as your greatest strength. You will always be stronger than your greatest weaknesses. Those weaknesses will never win against your strengths.
You have been hurt and raped of one of your most sacred emotions, self-worth. Now you want it back, so take it back. It is right there inside of you. You just have buried it under all your dirty laundry, so to speak. You can go on feeling empty if you want. Noone will care, not for long anyway. You can continue to use drugs, alcohol, or even food to fill that empty lonely void inside of you. You can miss out on life because you are forgetting to fight and it is so much easier to fall into the pity pit. You can spend the rest of every second worrying that if you even try to gain back some of your self-worth, you will fail and feel even more lonely. Well, you might just fail the first try, the second and the third. You may even feel that it's hopeless. If you give into that feeling, then you are letting yourself down. You have now become responsible for losing your chance at regaining your self-worth. You are allowing whatever it was that tore you apart in the first place to take control of your everything. You are allowing a memory to defeat you. There is no person there now; it's just a thought. A memory that you are allowing to ruin what little time you have on this earth. Why are you doing that? You know you can stop it. You know how! I have repeated myself so many times and I will continue to repeat this. -HABITS- positive habits of thinking. You must reconstruct your thought patterns to think WIN..not to think LOSE! You must make a new commitment to yourself, one that you can reach out and touch!
I understand the strength of negative thinking, and I have felt its power many, many times. To the point that I could hardly feel myself breathe. That was when I knew that I, and only I could stop it. It was inside of me. It was not standing beside me or next to me or behind me. It was ME! Inside of you, is where you must look and dig for the real you. Not the you that has been scarred and hurt, but the you that can smile and laugh and appreciate all the good things in life. There still are many good things if you will just open your positive side and allow them to reach you. The more positive thoughts that you fill yourself with, the less negative thoughts can survive. Also you must be honest with what your bad habits are and where they are taking you. Identify with them and how they are bringing you down, instead of up. These are bad habits that you have allowed to run your life. Now, as you have invited them in, you will simply un-invite them. Additionally, say no to abusing Drugs, Alcohol and yes FOOD!
In order to strengthen the mental you, you must also strengthen the physical you. I don`t mean be a body builder or an Olympic athlete. I just mean a healthier you, a you that you want to be!
Remember whatever it was that brought you down in yourself is in the past. If you continue to allow the pain to live inside of you, you will suffer. The past is over and there is no suffering on your part that will erase it. So get on with life. Search deep inside of you and bring back who you are. Bring back the person you can smile at in the mirror. Bring back the person you talk to all the time. Bring back the person that you were meant to be. Bring back you, and then you will have your self-worth back!
*********************************
I am goodness.
I am all my goodness.
Even when I feel I am less,
I am always more!
David Viscott
Dorothy Lafrinere
Owner/Operator
Website- http://www.womensselfesteem.com
Weblog- http://www.justblogme.com/Dorothy
Forum- http://womenselfesteem.proboards29.com
email- dorothy@womensselfesteem.com
Rabu, 22 Agustus 2012
Fear of Flying
The plane was bouncing hard as we were starting our decent into Albuquerque. Living in Santa Fe, I’ve flown in and out of Albuquerque airport a lot due to my workshop schedule. It’s always bumpy.
The woman sitting next to me was gripping the armrests and shaking, scared to death. I turned to her and asked her if she would like some help. She nodded.
“Don’t worry, nothing bad is going to happen. We are safe.”
“How do you know that?” she asked.
“If you were to move out of what your mind is telling you that is scaring you and open to a different Source of Truth, you would know too. Your mind, which is devoted to trying to control things, is freaking out due to feeling so out of control. It’s this feeling of being out of control that is scaring you. And, of course, you have no control over the plane or over the pilot. But if you tune into the real Source of Truth, which is definitely not your mind, you will know that we are safe. Imagine that your mind is like your personal computer, which only contains what has been programmed into it. Imagine that the Source of Truth is like the Internet – a vast network of information that you can easily access. Imagine the Source of Truth as a beautiful light filled with all the wisdom of the universe. Open to learning with this Source of Truth and ask, ‘Are we safe?’ Try it and see what happens. Just focus your whole being on wanting to know the truth.”
The women was terrified enough to try it, even though I think she thought I was crazy. She closed her eyes and focused on the question, “Are we safe?” A moment later she opened her eyes, clearly surprised.
“I heard in my mind, ‘You are safe.’ Did I just make that up?”
“How do you feel if you decide to believe it?”
“Much better! I’m not feeling so scared!”
“That’s because our emotions are an accurate guide of whether or not we are telling ourselves the truth. Our emotions are a great gift from our Source. We will always feel badly when we are telling ourselves a lie, and we will feel happy and peaceful when we are operating from Truth. You were terrified because you were telling yourself a lie, and now you are fine because you are telling yourself the truth. Whether you believe this is coming from within you or from without is not important. What is important is to know that you can access the Truth. I always ask this question BEFORE I fly, so that I know the whole time that I am safe, bumps and all.”
The woman had a big smile on her face the rest of the way down, even though we were still bouncing around.
Fear, whether of flying or of anything else, is always the result of what you are telling yourself. Your fear is letting you know that you are off base in your thinking. If you then cover up your fear with an addiction, such as drinking on the plane in order to get past the fear, then you never deal with the lie you are telling yourself that is causing the fear.
The wounded part of us always feels afraid when we think we are out of control of something. This part of us, our mind, thinks it can know the truth about things. But our minds are programmed with many false beliefs that cause much fear. Truth is not something we can access from our limited mind – it is something we have to open to. The thoughts of our mind will never make us feel safe and will certainly not give us the control we seek. True safety lies in opening to Spirit and being guided by Truth. The paradox is that in releasing control to Spirit, we gain the sense of control that comes from operating out of the Truth.
The mind thinks it can create safety with some form of control. Yet true safety comes from being connected with the Source of Truth.
Sabtu, 12 Maret 2011
Today is an Opportunity, Hear the Knocking
Copyright 2006 Marshall House
Opportunity is knocking. Opportunity is knocking all the time. All the time. Listen.
Sometimes you may not hear the knocking. Or you may hear, see, or sense it and then ignore or discount it. You may, for example, be preoccupied with the absence of the opportunity you desire. You may think that you are giving your attention to the opportunity you desire, but if you are complaining or feeling sad that it is not present, then you are focused on its absence. Preoccupation with absence, allows absence to expand. Preoccupation with the absence of your heart's desires can be very disempowering.
Desires are an essential part of life. In fact, without desires there is no life. Desires lead you to opportunity and/or help opportunity to find you. When you hold a space for whatever you desire to experience in your life, you invite in the opportunity with your readiness and eagerness. It is helpful that you identify what is an opportunity for you. Remember, what is an opportunity for someone else may not be an opportunity for you. Your own personal empowerment is entirely in your hands.
The more confident and hopeful you are, the more likely you will be able to listen for and hear the knocking of opportunity. Finding ways to be more hopeful about any aspect of life can make you more ready to let in new opportunities.
You might consider preparing yourself and your space in the same way you would prepare your physical space for an honored guest. You can clean your living space and clear your thinking so that you can feel good about opportunity’s presence. If you want to hear the opportunity when it knocks, fine-tune your hearing and other senses. The very best way to recognize the opportunity is to be happy. Happiness is the key to resonating with the opportunity that you have defined as one of your heart's desires.
So, consider, what opportunity are you ready for in your life? Do you know? Is it joy? Is it Peace? Is it Abundance? Is it Friendship? Is it Celebration? Is it livelihood? Is it all of the above? There's no need to limit yourself. Listen for the knocking of opportunity.
Invite in the Peace and Joy and Friendship and anything else you want to experience. Be specific or be general. Be clear about the essence of what you desire, relax, and let it in. Listen, open and receive.
Today is an opportunity. In my view, each moment, each situation, each second, is an opportunity. Listen for the knocking of opportunity.
Opportunity is knocking. Opportunity is knocking all the time. All the time. Listen.
Sometimes you may not hear the knocking. Or you may hear, see, or sense it and then ignore or discount it. You may, for example, be preoccupied with the absence of the opportunity you desire. You may think that you are giving your attention to the opportunity you desire, but if you are complaining or feeling sad that it is not present, then you are focused on its absence. Preoccupation with absence, allows absence to expand. Preoccupation with the absence of your heart's desires can be very disempowering.
Desires are an essential part of life. In fact, without desires there is no life. Desires lead you to opportunity and/or help opportunity to find you. When you hold a space for whatever you desire to experience in your life, you invite in the opportunity with your readiness and eagerness. It is helpful that you identify what is an opportunity for you. Remember, what is an opportunity for someone else may not be an opportunity for you. Your own personal empowerment is entirely in your hands.
The more confident and hopeful you are, the more likely you will be able to listen for and hear the knocking of opportunity. Finding ways to be more hopeful about any aspect of life can make you more ready to let in new opportunities.
You might consider preparing yourself and your space in the same way you would prepare your physical space for an honored guest. You can clean your living space and clear your thinking so that you can feel good about opportunity’s presence. If you want to hear the opportunity when it knocks, fine-tune your hearing and other senses. The very best way to recognize the opportunity is to be happy. Happiness is the key to resonating with the opportunity that you have defined as one of your heart's desires.
So, consider, what opportunity are you ready for in your life? Do you know? Is it joy? Is it Peace? Is it Abundance? Is it Friendship? Is it Celebration? Is it livelihood? Is it all of the above? There's no need to limit yourself. Listen for the knocking of opportunity.
Invite in the Peace and Joy and Friendship and anything else you want to experience. Be specific or be general. Be clear about the essence of what you desire, relax, and let it in. Listen, open and receive.
Today is an opportunity. In my view, each moment, each situation, each second, is an opportunity. Listen for the knocking of opportunity.
Sabtu, 05 Juni 2010
Are you lonely in this crowd
This world is a crowd. We all live in a crowd. Our family, our friends, our business associates, our co-workers, and our community. All these form a crowd for us not in the dictionary sense, but let us say that we are always getting connected with someone, somewhere and are not living on an island alone. Even then, many of us feel lonely. Are you one of them?
Being lonely means - you are not able to share your deepest thoughts with anyone. You have issues at home. You have issues at office. You have issues with your relatives. You have issues with your friends. You are carrying so much of hurt and guilt inside yourself. You want to do many things, and at times, need help. You don't know, whom to ask? You feel lonely. You feel all alone. You feel that no one understands you. Despite all your trials, you fail to share and convey your feelings. If you talk about office issues with your wife/husband or your girlfriend/boyfriend, you are not able to get any good advice. They all have their suggestions and analysis of your situation, but that differs greatly from what you believe to be true. Therefore, you shut up after talking for a while with them.
You have friends with whom you try to talk about your problems. But they want to tell you theirs first. What is taken quite seriously by you, is considered ordinary by others. What do you do? Should you consult a psychiatrist? How will that help? Your character, and your thinking. Is something wrong with them? Who will tell you? Who will guide? You feel very disturbed at all the times. You want peace in your mind. You go out to walk alone, but your thoughts don't leave you anywhere. This agitation of mind is becoming intolerable. You feel lonely. You want to talk with someone who will understand your point of view and tell you what to do?
Are you one of such people? Do you feel lonely? Do you also feel that you have no one to share your deepest thoughts? Have you started feeling that everyone is selfish? No one has got time for you? No one wants to understand you? No one cares for you?
What can you do in such a situation? You may be feeling helpless, but something ought to be done. The first step in such agitation should be to avoid thinking for some time during the day. Involve yourself in some such activity that takes your mind away from itself. Any activity that will engross you completely. A good movie, a good novel, some magazines, a TV show, any activity that takes the mind away will give some peace. The next step would be to find out if anyone you know is also facing such a state? How does he/she do that? For this you will have to shift your attention from yourself to others. Begin listening to others. Ask them about their problems and listen. You may probably find that there are few others who are also in the same boat. Even if you are not religious, try to talk to God. Tell Him about what all goes on in your life and your mind. Ask Him to help you.
One who feels lonely in the crowd of people, must first raise his/her self-esteem. You must say - 'OK. Other than God, no one will understand what I am facing. That is OK. I will set some exciting goals for myself. I will try to achieve them. For me, my life is very important. I will live my life in such a way that I feel proud of it. I am a good person and I know that. I don't honestly care if others are not understanding me. I will try to understand their problems and help them. Rather than asking for help, let me start giving.'
Being lonely means - you are not able to share your deepest thoughts with anyone. You have issues at home. You have issues at office. You have issues with your relatives. You have issues with your friends. You are carrying so much of hurt and guilt inside yourself. You want to do many things, and at times, need help. You don't know, whom to ask? You feel lonely. You feel all alone. You feel that no one understands you. Despite all your trials, you fail to share and convey your feelings. If you talk about office issues with your wife/husband or your girlfriend/boyfriend, you are not able to get any good advice. They all have their suggestions and analysis of your situation, but that differs greatly from what you believe to be true. Therefore, you shut up after talking for a while with them.
You have friends with whom you try to talk about your problems. But they want to tell you theirs first. What is taken quite seriously by you, is considered ordinary by others. What do you do? Should you consult a psychiatrist? How will that help? Your character, and your thinking. Is something wrong with them? Who will tell you? Who will guide? You feel very disturbed at all the times. You want peace in your mind. You go out to walk alone, but your thoughts don't leave you anywhere. This agitation of mind is becoming intolerable. You feel lonely. You want to talk with someone who will understand your point of view and tell you what to do?
Are you one of such people? Do you feel lonely? Do you also feel that you have no one to share your deepest thoughts? Have you started feeling that everyone is selfish? No one has got time for you? No one wants to understand you? No one cares for you?
What can you do in such a situation? You may be feeling helpless, but something ought to be done. The first step in such agitation should be to avoid thinking for some time during the day. Involve yourself in some such activity that takes your mind away from itself. Any activity that will engross you completely. A good movie, a good novel, some magazines, a TV show, any activity that takes the mind away will give some peace. The next step would be to find out if anyone you know is also facing such a state? How does he/she do that? For this you will have to shift your attention from yourself to others. Begin listening to others. Ask them about their problems and listen. You may probably find that there are few others who are also in the same boat. Even if you are not religious, try to talk to God. Tell Him about what all goes on in your life and your mind. Ask Him to help you.
One who feels lonely in the crowd of people, must first raise his/her self-esteem. You must say - 'OK. Other than God, no one will understand what I am facing. That is OK. I will set some exciting goals for myself. I will try to achieve them. For me, my life is very important. I will live my life in such a way that I feel proud of it. I am a good person and I know that. I don't honestly care if others are not understanding me. I will try to understand their problems and help them. Rather than asking for help, let me start giving.'
Jumat, 04 Juni 2010
Are You Just An Armchair Adventurer?
Copyright 2006 Christopher Green
It is a simple fact known by everybody who is actively involved in the self-improvement industry. Most of the ambitious, excited people who buy courses, books, audio products, DVDs and seminar places never apply the knowledge they’ve paid good money for to a real purpose.
Consequently, the information that could drastically improve their lives beyond all recognition remains unused. But there are some people who put their knowledge to use and this is what separates the doers from the armchair adventurers: the courage to take action.
Are you an armchair adventurer? Here’s 5 telltale signs that mark out those who never quite manage to “walk the talk” and who prefer to sit in solitude watching, thinking and reading about it instead.
1. Have you got a large and ever growing collection of self-improvement products? Is your bookshelf GROANING with the weight of book after book by various gurus and experts? Is your DVD player in danger of getting indigestion from the number of “motivating” DVDs you watch night after night? Is your car’s CD player in danger of burnout because of the number of affirming CD’s you play to and from work each day? If so, score 1 for the armchair adventurer.
2. Do you like to share your knowledge with your pals over beer and pool? Telling them about how good you feel using affirmations every day and how you’re going to change your life – soon. But three months later, you’re still talking about the latest product you’ve bought and how you know you’re “growing”. Sounds familiar? Add another point to the “armchair adventurer” column.
3. Having read so many books, you’ll know how important it is to set goals. But have you set any goals? Have you constantly reviewed them and measured progress and set new goals? If you haven’t, is it because you’re still reading about it and you’re not quite sure what goals to set? Nevermind, pour yourself a cold one, put your feet up, read yet another goal setting book and score one more in the “armchair adventurer” column.
4. How’s the planning coming along? Ah, the plans aren’t quite finished yet. But haven’t you been working on them for months? Yet each time you’re about to take action, you find another area of concern that you need to read up about. Better not take any action until you’re absolutely sure that nothing can go wrong. After all, you don’t want anything unexpected to come along and scupper your plans do you? Better to be safe than sorry, so go ahead, nip down to the library and get yourself a book called “How To Do Anything You Want Without Taking Risks From The Comfort Of Your Armchair”. Don’t forget to add one more to your armchair adventurer score before you leave.
5. Finally, after all of the reading, watching and listening you’ve done, why is your life still pretty much the same? Is it because: You haven’t got enough money? You have a family and they come first? You’re too old? You’re too young? Your dog has fleas? Your cat doesn’t want to move and the stress would kill it? You haven’t got the time to do what you really want to do? Time-out! I’m running out of white space – can we quit with the excuses now and just agree that you’re not prepared to overcome fear and live the life you truly want because you’re an armchair adventurer? Yes? That’s cool, but please can you add one point for each excuse you use to your armchair adventurer score. Wow, that score is mounting up isn’t it?
I know the above points are hard hitting but I’m trying to open your eyes to a simple truth: All of these self-improvement products – and there are some very, very good ones, mine included – are completely WORTHLESS unless you act on the fantastic information they contain. Armchair adventuring is fine, nothing wrong with sitting down and reading so long as you know what the consequences are if you don’t apply your knowledge to a purpose.
But isn’t it better to read and then put your knowledge into action? Why be an armchair adventurer when you can experience the joy and satisfaction of real life adventure by putting the books down, getting up off your armchair and applying what you’ve learned to get the life what you want. Go on, just do it!
Until next time.
It is a simple fact known by everybody who is actively involved in the self-improvement industry. Most of the ambitious, excited people who buy courses, books, audio products, DVDs and seminar places never apply the knowledge they’ve paid good money for to a real purpose.
Consequently, the information that could drastically improve their lives beyond all recognition remains unused. But there are some people who put their knowledge to use and this is what separates the doers from the armchair adventurers: the courage to take action.
Are you an armchair adventurer? Here’s 5 telltale signs that mark out those who never quite manage to “walk the talk” and who prefer to sit in solitude watching, thinking and reading about it instead.
1. Have you got a large and ever growing collection of self-improvement products? Is your bookshelf GROANING with the weight of book after book by various gurus and experts? Is your DVD player in danger of getting indigestion from the number of “motivating” DVDs you watch night after night? Is your car’s CD player in danger of burnout because of the number of affirming CD’s you play to and from work each day? If so, score 1 for the armchair adventurer.
2. Do you like to share your knowledge with your pals over beer and pool? Telling them about how good you feel using affirmations every day and how you’re going to change your life – soon. But three months later, you’re still talking about the latest product you’ve bought and how you know you’re “growing”. Sounds familiar? Add another point to the “armchair adventurer” column.
3. Having read so many books, you’ll know how important it is to set goals. But have you set any goals? Have you constantly reviewed them and measured progress and set new goals? If you haven’t, is it because you’re still reading about it and you’re not quite sure what goals to set? Nevermind, pour yourself a cold one, put your feet up, read yet another goal setting book and score one more in the “armchair adventurer” column.
4. How’s the planning coming along? Ah, the plans aren’t quite finished yet. But haven’t you been working on them for months? Yet each time you’re about to take action, you find another area of concern that you need to read up about. Better not take any action until you’re absolutely sure that nothing can go wrong. After all, you don’t want anything unexpected to come along and scupper your plans do you? Better to be safe than sorry, so go ahead, nip down to the library and get yourself a book called “How To Do Anything You Want Without Taking Risks From The Comfort Of Your Armchair”. Don’t forget to add one more to your armchair adventurer score before you leave.
5. Finally, after all of the reading, watching and listening you’ve done, why is your life still pretty much the same? Is it because: You haven’t got enough money? You have a family and they come first? You’re too old? You’re too young? Your dog has fleas? Your cat doesn’t want to move and the stress would kill it? You haven’t got the time to do what you really want to do? Time-out! I’m running out of white space – can we quit with the excuses now and just agree that you’re not prepared to overcome fear and live the life you truly want because you’re an armchair adventurer? Yes? That’s cool, but please can you add one point for each excuse you use to your armchair adventurer score. Wow, that score is mounting up isn’t it?
I know the above points are hard hitting but I’m trying to open your eyes to a simple truth: All of these self-improvement products – and there are some very, very good ones, mine included – are completely WORTHLESS unless you act on the fantastic information they contain. Armchair adventuring is fine, nothing wrong with sitting down and reading so long as you know what the consequences are if you don’t apply your knowledge to a purpose.
But isn’t it better to read and then put your knowledge into action? Why be an armchair adventurer when you can experience the joy and satisfaction of real life adventure by putting the books down, getting up off your armchair and applying what you’ve learned to get the life what you want. Go on, just do it!
Until next time.
Selasa, 25 Mei 2010
Building your child's self esteem
Copyright 2006 Emmanuel Segui
It's one of those things that all parents want to provide for their children and one of those things that many feel they do not know how to do: raise a self-confident child. Self-esteem oftentimes seems like a fragile, distant thing that we all know what it is but don't know how to develop. Your self-esteem is a compilation of how you feel about yourself. It encompasses everything from your confidence in relationships, to your body image, to your work life. So how do you foster this "thing" in your children?
We teach our children "honesty is the best policy." This applies to how we deal with our children as much as it does expecting them to be honest with us. When it comes to your child's self-esteem, he or she will know or be able to sense if you are not being honest. For example, if art is not your child's top skill, don't say that his or her drawing is the best you've ever seen. Your child will know it's not, and will not believe you the next time you say something meant to be positive, no matter how honest it is. Instead, tell your child something genuine about the piece or the effort. Make non-judgmental statements such as, "You really used your imagination in making the flowers many different colors." This simply states your observation, rather than a false statement.
Also, understand that your child and your child's behavior are two separate things. This can be very hard to remember, particularly when your child is acting out in ways that make you crazy or that are unsafe. However, when you discipline your child for the behavior rather than the person, you can positively influence and foster self esteem. Why? If your child feels that you are mad, because of who he or she is as a person rather than for the behavior, this can negatively affect your child's self-esteem. Using "I" statements helps with this. Say something like, "I don't like it when you leave your toys scattered all over the floor," which also addresses the behavior, rather than, "You are a slob," which attacks their character.
Let your child make some decisions. Children are in a situation where everyone else is constantly telling them what to do, when to do it, where to go, and more. When children are allowed to make some choices, even if it's something small, they learn to be self-reliant. You don't want your children growing up feeling dependent on others for direction. Simple choices such as what to wear (you can offer two or three choices) or choosing a special lunch item will foster your child's being able to think independently.
Encourage your children to try new things. While there's nothing wrong with encouraging your child's talents--this will help build self-confidence as well--it's also important that your children learn to experiment. Trying new things helps everyone overcome fears of the unknown and helps us learn to deal with success and failure.
If a child never learns to try new things, this can create problems later in life.
After all, most people do not live in world where everything is the same day after day. Life is constantly changing, whether it's a move to a new city or starting a new career. If children are experienced at trying new things, even if small, life's bigger transitions will be much easier--such as leaving for college and starting a career.
These are, of course, only a few things you can do to help develop your child's self-confidence. The important thing to remember is that it is an ongoing process. The little things do add up, even if they seem unimportant. This can be helpful to keep in mind, particularly when something as important as developing your child's self esteem feels like a monumental task. It doesn't have to be! Taking time to recognize your child for the wonderful person he or she is, combined with a few techniques and consistency will go a long way toward raising a healthy, confident adult.
It's one of those things that all parents want to provide for their children and one of those things that many feel they do not know how to do: raise a self-confident child. Self-esteem oftentimes seems like a fragile, distant thing that we all know what it is but don't know how to develop. Your self-esteem is a compilation of how you feel about yourself. It encompasses everything from your confidence in relationships, to your body image, to your work life. So how do you foster this "thing" in your children?
We teach our children "honesty is the best policy." This applies to how we deal with our children as much as it does expecting them to be honest with us. When it comes to your child's self-esteem, he or she will know or be able to sense if you are not being honest. For example, if art is not your child's top skill, don't say that his or her drawing is the best you've ever seen. Your child will know it's not, and will not believe you the next time you say something meant to be positive, no matter how honest it is. Instead, tell your child something genuine about the piece or the effort. Make non-judgmental statements such as, "You really used your imagination in making the flowers many different colors." This simply states your observation, rather than a false statement.
Also, understand that your child and your child's behavior are two separate things. This can be very hard to remember, particularly when your child is acting out in ways that make you crazy or that are unsafe. However, when you discipline your child for the behavior rather than the person, you can positively influence and foster self esteem. Why? If your child feels that you are mad, because of who he or she is as a person rather than for the behavior, this can negatively affect your child's self-esteem. Using "I" statements helps with this. Say something like, "I don't like it when you leave your toys scattered all over the floor," which also addresses the behavior, rather than, "You are a slob," which attacks their character.
Let your child make some decisions. Children are in a situation where everyone else is constantly telling them what to do, when to do it, where to go, and more. When children are allowed to make some choices, even if it's something small, they learn to be self-reliant. You don't want your children growing up feeling dependent on others for direction. Simple choices such as what to wear (you can offer two or three choices) or choosing a special lunch item will foster your child's being able to think independently.
Encourage your children to try new things. While there's nothing wrong with encouraging your child's talents--this will help build self-confidence as well--it's also important that your children learn to experiment. Trying new things helps everyone overcome fears of the unknown and helps us learn to deal with success and failure.
If a child never learns to try new things, this can create problems later in life.
After all, most people do not live in world where everything is the same day after day. Life is constantly changing, whether it's a move to a new city or starting a new career. If children are experienced at trying new things, even if small, life's bigger transitions will be much easier--such as leaving for college and starting a career.
These are, of course, only a few things you can do to help develop your child's self-confidence. The important thing to remember is that it is an ongoing process. The little things do add up, even if they seem unimportant. This can be helpful to keep in mind, particularly when something as important as developing your child's self esteem feels like a monumental task. It doesn't have to be! Taking time to recognize your child for the wonderful person he or she is, combined with a few techniques and consistency will go a long way toward raising a healthy, confident adult.
Senin, 24 Mei 2010
Build The Confidence To Approach Other People, Through The Power Of Compassion!
Do you often feel uncomfortable in a social situation? Perhaps you’re overly shy? Or your stomach ties up in knots at the thought of approaching someone even just to say “Hi!”
Well the good news is that there are many techniques which you can use to help you overcome this problem of social shyness or anxiety. I’m going to share one of my favourites below. But first, three important points that need to be highlighted (so imagine them covered by ink from a bright yellow fluoro highlighter pen)
1. Don’t expect to get the confidence of Tony Robbins in one day. All changes happen in small steps. Make an effort to stretch yourself just a little bit further every day. And celebrate your victories, no matter how small they are. Those small victories will over time grow into a massive change in your confidence.
2. The best way to overcome a fear is to face it and succeed. What I’m presenting today is one way to build the courage to face your fear. What you need to do though is not only use it, but also search out a whole host of other techniques as well. And use them! Different techniques may be more appropriate for different situations. We’ll of course be talking about many of the other techniques in future articles.
3. As always, if your social shyness or anxiety is causing difficulties in your life, please consider talking to a doctor or a counsellor. They will be able to expand on this strategy, and provide you with many more. They really can help.
So, as promised, here’s one of my favourite techniques for helping you feel more confident as you approach other people in a social situation.
You will be tapping into one of the greatest powers you have within you. More powerful than all the fear you may currently feel.
That power is compassion.
In many of us though it lies asleep, a luxury we feel we can’t afford just yet. Maybe something we’ll get around to exploring when we get over our problems and start feeling happy about ourselves. After all, how can we be compassionate towards others when we don’t even feel good about ourselves?
Is that what you think?
Well, I think we’re better served by looking at things from a different perspective. One that sees compassion not only as a tool for helping others, but also for helping ourselves.
So, how do we use compassion in this situation?
SEE THE OTHER PEOPLE AS BEING JUST LIKE YOU!
They are human. Somewhere within them they have fears too. Their fears may not be visible to you on the surface, but they’re there. We are all human.
We all desire human contact!
We all desire friendship!
We all desire to be loved!
So before approaching someone, remind yourself that they too may have difficulties making the first move. They may be waiting for someone to talk to about their problems and their issues. They may be waiting for someone just like you, who can understand them and their own fears. Someone just like you, with a heart filled with compassion and love. And perhaps in time, if a friendship develops, you can help them with their own fears.
Why does this work? Simply because it takes the focus off you, and places it onto the other person. How can you help them? How can you be their friend in a time of need?
Of course, don’t approach them with these questions directly. It would not be appropriate in most social situations, especially if you don’t know the person yet. Just approach them with this understanding, that they’re just like you. They too are human. Make conversation. Talk about them, and their interests. Many times this may lead nowhere. Sometimes though, it could develop into one of the best friendships of your life.
They’re just like you. So there’s no need to be afraid. They also want someone to talk to. Help them!
You can let your shyness or anxiety be a source of fear within yourself, or you can let it build your compassion towards others who are also facing their own demons. Choose compassion! In return, you will also be helping yourself overcome your own fears, one conversation at a time.
Lance Beggs
Well the good news is that there are many techniques which you can use to help you overcome this problem of social shyness or anxiety. I’m going to share one of my favourites below. But first, three important points that need to be highlighted (so imagine them covered by ink from a bright yellow fluoro highlighter pen)
1. Don’t expect to get the confidence of Tony Robbins in one day. All changes happen in small steps. Make an effort to stretch yourself just a little bit further every day. And celebrate your victories, no matter how small they are. Those small victories will over time grow into a massive change in your confidence.
2. The best way to overcome a fear is to face it and succeed. What I’m presenting today is one way to build the courage to face your fear. What you need to do though is not only use it, but also search out a whole host of other techniques as well. And use them! Different techniques may be more appropriate for different situations. We’ll of course be talking about many of the other techniques in future articles.
3. As always, if your social shyness or anxiety is causing difficulties in your life, please consider talking to a doctor or a counsellor. They will be able to expand on this strategy, and provide you with many more. They really can help.
So, as promised, here’s one of my favourite techniques for helping you feel more confident as you approach other people in a social situation.
You will be tapping into one of the greatest powers you have within you. More powerful than all the fear you may currently feel.
That power is compassion.
In many of us though it lies asleep, a luxury we feel we can’t afford just yet. Maybe something we’ll get around to exploring when we get over our problems and start feeling happy about ourselves. After all, how can we be compassionate towards others when we don’t even feel good about ourselves?
Is that what you think?
Well, I think we’re better served by looking at things from a different perspective. One that sees compassion not only as a tool for helping others, but also for helping ourselves.
So, how do we use compassion in this situation?
SEE THE OTHER PEOPLE AS BEING JUST LIKE YOU!
They are human. Somewhere within them they have fears too. Their fears may not be visible to you on the surface, but they’re there. We are all human.
We all desire human contact!
We all desire friendship!
We all desire to be loved!
So before approaching someone, remind yourself that they too may have difficulties making the first move. They may be waiting for someone to talk to about their problems and their issues. They may be waiting for someone just like you, who can understand them and their own fears. Someone just like you, with a heart filled with compassion and love. And perhaps in time, if a friendship develops, you can help them with their own fears.
Why does this work? Simply because it takes the focus off you, and places it onto the other person. How can you help them? How can you be their friend in a time of need?
Of course, don’t approach them with these questions directly. It would not be appropriate in most social situations, especially if you don’t know the person yet. Just approach them with this understanding, that they’re just like you. They too are human. Make conversation. Talk about them, and their interests. Many times this may lead nowhere. Sometimes though, it could develop into one of the best friendships of your life.
They’re just like you. So there’s no need to be afraid. They also want someone to talk to. Help them!
You can let your shyness or anxiety be a source of fear within yourself, or you can let it build your compassion towards others who are also facing their own demons. Choose compassion! In return, you will also be helping yourself overcome your own fears, one conversation at a time.
Lance Beggs
Senin, 26 April 2010
Basic Operating Question (BOQ) for Empowerment
Copyright 2006 Marshall House
Years ago when I trained managers and trainers, I liked to be playful with the group. The company I was working with one day had a culture that was closest to acronym heaven than I had ever before or since experienced. So, I wrote on the flip chart in large letters: B O Q.
"Today we are going to learn about the BOQ," I said, pronouncing it Bock. My demeanor suggested they already knew or should know what the letters stood for, just the way that most acronyms are stated. Came a flurry of activity as they wrote the letters, trying to jog their collective memories of the words that B, O, and Q might possibly represent.
I did not leave them long in this state of mild confusion. They knew me well enough to know that I liked to play. They rose to the occasion and expressed their relief in laughter as I said, pointing letter by letter: Basic Operating Question.
One way of thinking of the Basic Operating Question is to consider it your default question. It is the question you think of first when you view a certain type of situation.
For example, when the phone rings, the BOQ that comes into your mind is usually something like, "Who's that? If you have a tense relationship with your boss who motions you to his or her office, your BOQ might be "What have I done wrong now?" You walk into a room with others present and your BOQ might "What's going on here?"
A BOQ can be positive, negative, or neutral. It can be empowering or disempowering. It can be easy to answer or not. It can be verbalized out loud or only thought about. The question itself as well as the quality and resonance of the question guides the quality and resonance of the answer.
The purpose of identifying your Basic Operating Questions is to discover if they are helpful and empowering. And, if not, to craft more helpful and empowering ones. A long-time habit of asking a particular Basic Operating Question will not necessarily be instantly changed just because of discovering one that you consider better, but that is a good starting place. After identifying one or more of these, it is important to practice your new Basic Operating Questions, as often as possible.
What is your BOQ in each of the situations you regularly face in your life? Once you have identified it, remember that the only way to incorporate a new skill is to practice, practice, practice.
Years ago when I trained managers and trainers, I liked to be playful with the group. The company I was working with one day had a culture that was closest to acronym heaven than I had ever before or since experienced. So, I wrote on the flip chart in large letters: B O Q.
"Today we are going to learn about the BOQ," I said, pronouncing it Bock. My demeanor suggested they already knew or should know what the letters stood for, just the way that most acronyms are stated. Came a flurry of activity as they wrote the letters, trying to jog their collective memories of the words that B, O, and Q might possibly represent.
I did not leave them long in this state of mild confusion. They knew me well enough to know that I liked to play. They rose to the occasion and expressed their relief in laughter as I said, pointing letter by letter: Basic Operating Question.
One way of thinking of the Basic Operating Question is to consider it your default question. It is the question you think of first when you view a certain type of situation.
For example, when the phone rings, the BOQ that comes into your mind is usually something like, "Who's that? If you have a tense relationship with your boss who motions you to his or her office, your BOQ might be "What have I done wrong now?" You walk into a room with others present and your BOQ might "What's going on here?"
A BOQ can be positive, negative, or neutral. It can be empowering or disempowering. It can be easy to answer or not. It can be verbalized out loud or only thought about. The question itself as well as the quality and resonance of the question guides the quality and resonance of the answer.
The purpose of identifying your Basic Operating Questions is to discover if they are helpful and empowering. And, if not, to craft more helpful and empowering ones. A long-time habit of asking a particular Basic Operating Question will not necessarily be instantly changed just because of discovering one that you consider better, but that is a good starting place. After identifying one or more of these, it is important to practice your new Basic Operating Questions, as often as possible.
What is your BOQ in each of the situations you regularly face in your life? Once you have identified it, remember that the only way to incorporate a new skill is to practice, practice, practice.
Sabtu, 10 April 2010
Are You Doing What You Love?
Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. --Albert Schweitzer (1875 - 1965)
We are busier than we have ever been, working long hours and feeling under more and more pressure. How do you spend your days? For many people work and pleasure are seen as separate, with work being a chore that has to be done to pay the bills. It doesn’t always have to be like that. Although we don’t have to love everything we do, we do need to gain some enjoyment from most of what we do. Take a moment to see if it is time to start afresh and do something you love, something that adds the pleasure factor back into your working life?
Think about what matters to you and why you do the things you do. For each person that means something different. What aspects of a job are important to you? List them. Think about your dream job. Does it motivate and inspire you? If not, think again. It has to mean something to you; otherwise you will not be prepared to put in the effort to achieve what you want. Ask: ‘What am I prepared to give up to make this happen?’ ‘What would I love to try?’ ‘What options do I have?’ ‘What are my talents, skills and qualities?’ ‘How can I utilise them in my ideal job?’ How can you take an idea and turn it into reality? Get creative and think through how you could make money doing what you enjoy.
Starting anew requires courage, confidence and commitment. Hold on to your sense of purpose. Believe in yourself. Ignore the critics, for there are bound to be some, and face your fears (there will many of those too!). Ask for help from those people who can assist you and get supporters to keep you motivated. Research things that interest you and, if necessary, go back to basics and learn new skills. Develop a clear vision of where you’d like to be in 10 years’ time – and why. Write it down. Be specific. This will provide you with something to focus on. Think creatively. This may not happen all of a sudden, but if you work at it gradually, day by day, it can happen.
And if starting something new is not for you, how can you love the job you already have? You can’t always control your situation, but you can always choose how you react to it. Your attitude colours how you face every day and has an influence on the people around you. Choose to be positive. Are there areas of your job that you can improve on? Who can you discuss this with? Is a change to a new role in the same company an option? Examine the possibilities. Your job does not define you, but how you do it does.
And why bother? Doing what you love gives you a good reason to get up every morning. Your life will be challenging, certainly, exciting, definitely. Doing things you enjoy which give you personal fulfilment and satisfaction has been shown to contribute to good health and longevity. Don’t wait for perfect circumstances to start. Begin now!
We are busier than we have ever been, working long hours and feeling under more and more pressure. How do you spend your days? For many people work and pleasure are seen as separate, with work being a chore that has to be done to pay the bills. It doesn’t always have to be like that. Although we don’t have to love everything we do, we do need to gain some enjoyment from most of what we do. Take a moment to see if it is time to start afresh and do something you love, something that adds the pleasure factor back into your working life?
Think about what matters to you and why you do the things you do. For each person that means something different. What aspects of a job are important to you? List them. Think about your dream job. Does it motivate and inspire you? If not, think again. It has to mean something to you; otherwise you will not be prepared to put in the effort to achieve what you want. Ask: ‘What am I prepared to give up to make this happen?’ ‘What would I love to try?’ ‘What options do I have?’ ‘What are my talents, skills and qualities?’ ‘How can I utilise them in my ideal job?’ How can you take an idea and turn it into reality? Get creative and think through how you could make money doing what you enjoy.
Starting anew requires courage, confidence and commitment. Hold on to your sense of purpose. Believe in yourself. Ignore the critics, for there are bound to be some, and face your fears (there will many of those too!). Ask for help from those people who can assist you and get supporters to keep you motivated. Research things that interest you and, if necessary, go back to basics and learn new skills. Develop a clear vision of where you’d like to be in 10 years’ time – and why. Write it down. Be specific. This will provide you with something to focus on. Think creatively. This may not happen all of a sudden, but if you work at it gradually, day by day, it can happen.
And if starting something new is not for you, how can you love the job you already have? You can’t always control your situation, but you can always choose how you react to it. Your attitude colours how you face every day and has an influence on the people around you. Choose to be positive. Are there areas of your job that you can improve on? Who can you discuss this with? Is a change to a new role in the same company an option? Examine the possibilities. Your job does not define you, but how you do it does.
And why bother? Doing what you love gives you a good reason to get up every morning. Your life will be challenging, certainly, exciting, definitely. Doing things you enjoy which give you personal fulfilment and satisfaction has been shown to contribute to good health and longevity. Don’t wait for perfect circumstances to start. Begin now!
Sabtu, 03 April 2010
Approaching Women: The Simple Event That Changed My Life
Copyright 2006 X & Y Communications
It was a perfectly normal Saturday afternoon. I was going to visit my girlfriend later in the day, but until then it was time to run the usual slate of typical, mundane errands.
Even though I was in a relationship at the time, I had learned from my research on men and women that ‘style’ was important—so I had some nice jeans and a button down shirt on. My belt and my shoes matched, and I was in “Successful Guy Saturday Casual” mode.
After a quick trip to the post office and a stop at the bicycle shop, it was time to go to Target. I needed several things, so I got a cart.
I had checked off toothpaste, light bulbs and a couple items from the automotive department when I happened to see someone I knew at the end of the aisle. I had only met her once, but she was a friend of my girlfriend’s. So I knew I had better say “hello”. After all, “making nice” with the girlfriend’s friends is always a plus.
She didn’t appear to notice who I was, so as I reached where she was I tapped her shoulder with the back of my hand and said (simply), “Hey!”. She turned and responded back with a reciprocal “Hey!”, with a warm smile and that classic “eyebrow flash” that the body-language books talk about.
“So it looks like even superheroes like you and I still have to shop for normal, everyday stuff at the Target, right?”, I said, noticing a few stray items in her shopping cart.
“I suppose!”, she acknowledged with a laugh.
I continued with very typical small talk after that. As the conversation continued, I started feeling something strange…if not downright creepy.
My girlfriend’s friend, if my mind wasn’t playing tricks on me, was starting to behave in a manner that I would ALMOST call…FLIRTATIOUS.
I was caught off guard. After all, if what I was seeing was really happening, it was COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE. After all, not only was I dating this woman's friend…this woman was MARRIED!
So I maintained that 18” distance that social mores dictate is proper, while continuing with perfectly normal conversation. But soon, there was no denying the body language. She was clearly enjoying the interaction, and eventually made a comment or two that were unmistakably forward.
At this point I was going OUT OF MY WAY to not appear romantically interested in return. Yet, I couldn’t help the thoughts that were racing in my mind. This woman was CLEARLY ATTRACTED to me. On top of the impropriety of it all, I was struck by the IMPROBABILITY of it all. This woman was 15 years my junior and at least FIVE INCHES TALLER than me!
Now, let me level-set here. My girlfriend at the time was a beautiful woman, and her friend was likewise very attractive. So here we had a situation where a woman who was NOT MY TYPE AT ALL, and indeed not one of the ones I would immediately picture going after a guy like me, was UNQUESTIONABLY INTERESTED.
At that point I realized that this conversation needed to end…and SOON, for obvious reasons. To that effect I said, “Well, time to get back to shopping. But I’ll tell [my girlfriend’s name] you said ‘hello’.”
There was a slight pause. Then a quizzical look from the woman.
“Uh…who’s [my girlfriend’s name]?”, she wondered. I looked back with an equally querulous expression. “…Aren’t you Jennifer?”
“Um…nooooooo…my name is Felicia.”
With my mind racing in several different directions, I happened to look down and noticed there was no ring on her left hand.
I spontaneously laughed, and explained to her what had just happened. The woman really was a dead ringer for who I thought she was.
She responded with warm eyes and a feminine giggle. “So that’s…IT...?”, she said with one raised eyebrow and a motion of the hand to indicate continuation. I politely ended the conversation there anyway, of course, because I had a girlfriend, and returned to shopping.
But I was changed forever.
Why?
I had read time and again about how something like 90% of men have some fear of approaching women. Furthermore, I had read about how the single most important factor in GETTING OVER that fear is to simply GO OUT AND MEET WOMEN. The problem is that most of the time we as guys can't get out of our own way when doing so…assuming we get up the guts to even try.
So, in one brief exercise—and by TOTAL ACCIDENT—I had unequivocally proven what it takes to successfully meet women. Ironically, the “success” was OVERWHELMINGLY due to the fact that I wasn't trying to "pick this woman up".
So what’s going on there?
Let’s outline the key principles and components of that experience at the Target:
1) I had started the day making sure I looked my best. I was READY for an interaction with a woman…if not the woman at the Target.
2) I had NO HIDDEN AGENDA with this woman from a sexual perspective. There was nothing about my approach that caused her to put her guard up. I was just making normal conversation. As such, there was a comfortable atmosphere surrounding the whole thing.
3) Based on the fact that I believed I already knew this woman, I was 100% CONFIDENT that I wouldn’t be flatly rejected when I spoke to her. Think about it. If you behave as if you are sure that talking to someone will be met with a positive response, you will not be nervous or sketchy about it at all.
4) My “opener” with her was a simple “Hey!” with a light, backhanded whack on the shoulder. No fancy, contrived "lines".
5) This was not a bar or some other special “pick up joint”. This was the TARGET!
Bear in mind that this woman, although very beautiful, was not at all the type of woman I would ever see myself approaching or see myself with. And consider that it took virtually no direct effort to impress her. What appeared to “impress her” was the sincerity and confidence portrayed in simply wanting to talk to her.
THAT’S IT.
There is no doubt that this woman perceived my approach as being related to her being a woman and me being a man. Although I was not even close to who the “media” would match her up with, the combination of facility, confidence and a low-pressure approach WORKED WONDERS. Ladies, that kind of attitude is what you look forward to when it comes to men approaching you, is it not? Don’t shout me down for telling the truth!
After that day, I made sure that my “accidental discovery” became firmly embedded into my conscience. After that, talking to any woman I want—anywhere—has been all about considering her someone I already know, and affording her the simple respect that goes along with it. No woman has ever been a “stranger”, ever since.
Guys: If you have any trepidation at all when it comes to meeting a woman you find attractive, learn from this lesson and I assure you your life will be radically transformed. You have the ability to meet any woman you choose to. Make it so.
Ladies: Here’s to more guys learning what I learned that day. I know you all are patiently waiting…
It was a perfectly normal Saturday afternoon. I was going to visit my girlfriend later in the day, but until then it was time to run the usual slate of typical, mundane errands.
Even though I was in a relationship at the time, I had learned from my research on men and women that ‘style’ was important—so I had some nice jeans and a button down shirt on. My belt and my shoes matched, and I was in “Successful Guy Saturday Casual” mode.
After a quick trip to the post office and a stop at the bicycle shop, it was time to go to Target. I needed several things, so I got a cart.
I had checked off toothpaste, light bulbs and a couple items from the automotive department when I happened to see someone I knew at the end of the aisle. I had only met her once, but she was a friend of my girlfriend’s. So I knew I had better say “hello”. After all, “making nice” with the girlfriend’s friends is always a plus.
She didn’t appear to notice who I was, so as I reached where she was I tapped her shoulder with the back of my hand and said (simply), “Hey!”. She turned and responded back with a reciprocal “Hey!”, with a warm smile and that classic “eyebrow flash” that the body-language books talk about.
“So it looks like even superheroes like you and I still have to shop for normal, everyday stuff at the Target, right?”, I said, noticing a few stray items in her shopping cart.
“I suppose!”, she acknowledged with a laugh.
I continued with very typical small talk after that. As the conversation continued, I started feeling something strange…if not downright creepy.
My girlfriend’s friend, if my mind wasn’t playing tricks on me, was starting to behave in a manner that I would ALMOST call…FLIRTATIOUS.
I was caught off guard. After all, if what I was seeing was really happening, it was COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE. After all, not only was I dating this woman's friend…this woman was MARRIED!
So I maintained that 18” distance that social mores dictate is proper, while continuing with perfectly normal conversation. But soon, there was no denying the body language. She was clearly enjoying the interaction, and eventually made a comment or two that were unmistakably forward.
At this point I was going OUT OF MY WAY to not appear romantically interested in return. Yet, I couldn’t help the thoughts that were racing in my mind. This woman was CLEARLY ATTRACTED to me. On top of the impropriety of it all, I was struck by the IMPROBABILITY of it all. This woman was 15 years my junior and at least FIVE INCHES TALLER than me!
Now, let me level-set here. My girlfriend at the time was a beautiful woman, and her friend was likewise very attractive. So here we had a situation where a woman who was NOT MY TYPE AT ALL, and indeed not one of the ones I would immediately picture going after a guy like me, was UNQUESTIONABLY INTERESTED.
At that point I realized that this conversation needed to end…and SOON, for obvious reasons. To that effect I said, “Well, time to get back to shopping. But I’ll tell [my girlfriend’s name] you said ‘hello’.”
There was a slight pause. Then a quizzical look from the woman.
“Uh…who’s [my girlfriend’s name]?”, she wondered. I looked back with an equally querulous expression. “…Aren’t you Jennifer?”
“Um…nooooooo…my name is Felicia.”
With my mind racing in several different directions, I happened to look down and noticed there was no ring on her left hand.
I spontaneously laughed, and explained to her what had just happened. The woman really was a dead ringer for who I thought she was.
She responded with warm eyes and a feminine giggle. “So that’s…IT...?”, she said with one raised eyebrow and a motion of the hand to indicate continuation. I politely ended the conversation there anyway, of course, because I had a girlfriend, and returned to shopping.
But I was changed forever.
Why?
I had read time and again about how something like 90% of men have some fear of approaching women. Furthermore, I had read about how the single most important factor in GETTING OVER that fear is to simply GO OUT AND MEET WOMEN. The problem is that most of the time we as guys can't get out of our own way when doing so…assuming we get up the guts to even try.
So, in one brief exercise—and by TOTAL ACCIDENT—I had unequivocally proven what it takes to successfully meet women. Ironically, the “success” was OVERWHELMINGLY due to the fact that I wasn't trying to "pick this woman up".
So what’s going on there?
Let’s outline the key principles and components of that experience at the Target:
1) I had started the day making sure I looked my best. I was READY for an interaction with a woman…if not the woman at the Target.
2) I had NO HIDDEN AGENDA with this woman from a sexual perspective. There was nothing about my approach that caused her to put her guard up. I was just making normal conversation. As such, there was a comfortable atmosphere surrounding the whole thing.
3) Based on the fact that I believed I already knew this woman, I was 100% CONFIDENT that I wouldn’t be flatly rejected when I spoke to her. Think about it. If you behave as if you are sure that talking to someone will be met with a positive response, you will not be nervous or sketchy about it at all.
4) My “opener” with her was a simple “Hey!” with a light, backhanded whack on the shoulder. No fancy, contrived "lines".
5) This was not a bar or some other special “pick up joint”. This was the TARGET!
Bear in mind that this woman, although very beautiful, was not at all the type of woman I would ever see myself approaching or see myself with. And consider that it took virtually no direct effort to impress her. What appeared to “impress her” was the sincerity and confidence portrayed in simply wanting to talk to her.
THAT’S IT.
There is no doubt that this woman perceived my approach as being related to her being a woman and me being a man. Although I was not even close to who the “media” would match her up with, the combination of facility, confidence and a low-pressure approach WORKED WONDERS. Ladies, that kind of attitude is what you look forward to when it comes to men approaching you, is it not? Don’t shout me down for telling the truth!
After that day, I made sure that my “accidental discovery” became firmly embedded into my conscience. After that, talking to any woman I want—anywhere—has been all about considering her someone I already know, and affording her the simple respect that goes along with it. No woman has ever been a “stranger”, ever since.
Guys: If you have any trepidation at all when it comes to meeting a woman you find attractive, learn from this lesson and I assure you your life will be radically transformed. You have the ability to meet any woman you choose to. Make it so.
Ladies: Here’s to more guys learning what I learned that day. I know you all are patiently waiting…
Minggu, 07 Februari 2010
20 quick ways to greater confidence
Need a confidence boost? Here are 20 quick ways that you can increase your confidence today.
20 quick and practical methods to increase your confidence, here we go:
1. Think about someone who is confident and act, talk and walk like him or her. Model their mannerisms and behaviour. It works for them; it will work for you.
2. Smile a lot more. That doesn’t mean putting a silly grin on your face! But smile when you walk down the street, when you meet people and generally be happier even if you’re not feeling that way.
3. Learn from the past; don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s gone; it’s never coming back. Instead learn from it for next time.
4. Buy yourself some new clothes, get your hair done, treat yourself to something new. It will make you feel better and will give your ego a boost.
5. Are you prepared for situations? Are you prepared enough to meet any challenge that may come up? Are you prepared for that meeting, that presentation, that job interview, when you meet someone for the first time? If not, get to it.
6. Play to your strengths. Know what you are good at and expose yourself to these opportunities at every opportunity – because you’re good at it, you’ll enjoy it and have more confidence.
7. Improve your weaknesses. Know and appreciate what these are and put a plan in place to improve them over time.
8. Learn how to say no to people. Don’t be afraid, you’ve got nothing to be afraid of. Just watch the reaction on their face after you’ve said it the first time and there will be no going back.
9. Be positive. Look on the “can do” side of things rather than the “can’t do”. You’ve accomplished lots in your life and you will accomplish lots more in the future.
10. Be in charge of your thoughts at all times. What is a thought? It’s just a question that you’ve asked yourself and the thought is you’re answer. If you’re thinking negative thoughts, you’re probably asking a negative question. Change the questions to be more positive.
11. Whenever you feel a negative thought coming, STOP, THINK, and say is this really important in the grand scheme of things. A lot of the time it isn’t. Many people in life major in minor things!
12. Do you let the words of others affect you? Do you mind what they think of you? Remember that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. It’s not what they say to you that’s the problem it’s what you say to yourself after they have stopped talking that’s the problem. Change the way you think.
13. List the words that you use on a consistent basis when you feel let down or annoyed. People use different words to mean the same thing and depending upon the intensity of the word – this will have an effect on your confidence. Instead of saying “I’m enraged about this” say, “I’m a little annoyed”. Make a substitute list for the words that you use. Make sure they are lower in intensity and then use them. You’ll be surprised with the results.
14. At the end of each day list your achievements and successes throughout that day.
15. Be appreciative of what you have to be thankful for in your life right now. Who do you love? Who loves you? Who do you help out?
16. Every morning when you’re in the shower, play over in your head the events in the day as though they have already happened and they were a success. Visualize all of the meetings that you had, the people you talked to, the outcomes you had. Visualize success and confidence and it will be so.
17. Improve your body language. The way that you move your body has a massive impact on your confidence levels. Move your body assertively and walk with your head up, shoulders back and as though you’ve got somewhere very important to go. Feeling low in confidence? Change you body language
18. Emotion is created by motion. As in 17, make sure you move around consistently. This creates energy and gets the blood pumping around you body – it makes you feel better and more confident.
19. Learn to brag about yourself. Yes, you heard me! Talk about your achievements and successes more than you currently are.
20. And finally – You only live once, so any time that you are down just ask yourself in 10 or 20 years time – will what I am worrying about really matter?
20 quick and practical methods to increase your confidence, here we go:
1. Think about someone who is confident and act, talk and walk like him or her. Model their mannerisms and behaviour. It works for them; it will work for you.
2. Smile a lot more. That doesn’t mean putting a silly grin on your face! But smile when you walk down the street, when you meet people and generally be happier even if you’re not feeling that way.
3. Learn from the past; don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s gone; it’s never coming back. Instead learn from it for next time.
4. Buy yourself some new clothes, get your hair done, treat yourself to something new. It will make you feel better and will give your ego a boost.
5. Are you prepared for situations? Are you prepared enough to meet any challenge that may come up? Are you prepared for that meeting, that presentation, that job interview, when you meet someone for the first time? If not, get to it.
6. Play to your strengths. Know what you are good at and expose yourself to these opportunities at every opportunity – because you’re good at it, you’ll enjoy it and have more confidence.
7. Improve your weaknesses. Know and appreciate what these are and put a plan in place to improve them over time.
8. Learn how to say no to people. Don’t be afraid, you’ve got nothing to be afraid of. Just watch the reaction on their face after you’ve said it the first time and there will be no going back.
9. Be positive. Look on the “can do” side of things rather than the “can’t do”. You’ve accomplished lots in your life and you will accomplish lots more in the future.
10. Be in charge of your thoughts at all times. What is a thought? It’s just a question that you’ve asked yourself and the thought is you’re answer. If you’re thinking negative thoughts, you’re probably asking a negative question. Change the questions to be more positive.
11. Whenever you feel a negative thought coming, STOP, THINK, and say is this really important in the grand scheme of things. A lot of the time it isn’t. Many people in life major in minor things!
12. Do you let the words of others affect you? Do you mind what they think of you? Remember that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. It’s not what they say to you that’s the problem it’s what you say to yourself after they have stopped talking that’s the problem. Change the way you think.
13. List the words that you use on a consistent basis when you feel let down or annoyed. People use different words to mean the same thing and depending upon the intensity of the word – this will have an effect on your confidence. Instead of saying “I’m enraged about this” say, “I’m a little annoyed”. Make a substitute list for the words that you use. Make sure they are lower in intensity and then use them. You’ll be surprised with the results.
14. At the end of each day list your achievements and successes throughout that day.
15. Be appreciative of what you have to be thankful for in your life right now. Who do you love? Who loves you? Who do you help out?
16. Every morning when you’re in the shower, play over in your head the events in the day as though they have already happened and they were a success. Visualize all of the meetings that you had, the people you talked to, the outcomes you had. Visualize success and confidence and it will be so.
17. Improve your body language. The way that you move your body has a massive impact on your confidence levels. Move your body assertively and walk with your head up, shoulders back and as though you’ve got somewhere very important to go. Feeling low in confidence? Change you body language
18. Emotion is created by motion. As in 17, make sure you move around consistently. This creates energy and gets the blood pumping around you body – it makes you feel better and more confident.
19. Learn to brag about yourself. Yes, you heard me! Talk about your achievements and successes more than you currently are.
20. And finally – You only live once, so any time that you are down just ask yourself in 10 or 20 years time – will what I am worrying about really matter?
Kamis, 14 Januari 2010
5 Fun & Easy Ways To Get Out Of The Rut
I don’t know about you, but sometimes I feel less than great. Low, grouchy, fed-up, and bored are all words you could use to describe what I’m like on those days and I’m probably not the best company. The thing is, days like those are part of the deal with being human – it’s not an elective. There will always be off days, and that’s okay.
But what happens when you get a whole string of those off-days, maybe lasting weeks, months or even years? Too many of us say that we’re...
I don’t know about you, but sometimes I feel less than great. Low, grouchy, fed-up, and bored are all words you could use to describe what I’m like on those days and I’m probably not the best company. The thing is, days like those are part of the deal with being human – it’s not an elective. There will always be off days, and that’s okay.
But what happens when you get a whole string of those off-days, maybe lasting weeks, months or even years? Too many of us say that we’re in a rut, feel stuck, fed-up, or bored and admit that we don’t want things to be that way, but we don’t know what to do to change. That’s the problem, when you’re in a rut, you don’t have the energy or motivation to change things for the better, and it’s tough to find the insight or resources you need to make that jump.
Here are five fun and easy ways you can use right now to climb, or better yet, leap, out of the rut and start to get something better for yourself.
1. Do Something Differently
Life tends to run smoothly when we establish systems and routines for things, but the problem comes when things run too smoothly and we become blinded to any ideas or choices that sit outside of our routine. All the stuff we do every day becomes the norm, running on auto-pilot, and it becomes our whole world.
Start with making one or two simple changes to your day - be it at breakfast time, your radio station, gym routine, route to work, lunch routine, etc. Don’t worry about what the changes are or whether they’re right or wrong, just make a couple of simple choices that will serve you well.
Doing something differently or changing parts of your routine, instantly takes you out of the norm and allows you to shake off the things that make you feel confined. Step out of your routine and you’ll be in a position where you’re able to make different choices, see things differently and get a different result.
2. Use your Intuition
Your intuition is a powerful ally, and we all have it even though you might not recognize it. The dictionary says that intuition is:
1.a. The act or faculty of knowing or sensing without the use of rational processes; immediate cognition.
1.b. Knowledge gained by the use of this faculty; a perceptive insight.
2. A sense of something not evident or deducible; an impression.
One of the best friends you'll ever have in life is your intuition, and tuning in to it and learning to trust it is something that can have some truly remarkable effects. Accessing your intuition is a bit like working and developing a muscle, but unfortunately it can be harder to locate than a bicep or quadricep, which tend to stay in the same place. Here are some quick tips for accessing and trusting it –
• Practice maintaining an open-minded, playful, experimental, non-judgmental attitude. This is the most fertile ground to tap into your intuition.
• Practice making wild guesses in your everyday life. Guess what a salesperson's name is, what a new person or place will look like or who's calling on the phone. Don't worry about getting it wrong, you're just working that muscle.
• Try a few simple observation exercises in your daily life. Whether you're in a restaurant, on a train, in a bar, or out shopping, practice noticing non-verbal behavior in others. Look for shifts in posture, eye movements, vocal tone or tempo, etc. Guess how they're feeling or what they're talking about.
3. Nourishment
Imagine you’re walking home from the supermarket with a couple of bags of groceries, but those bags have holes in them. You’re walking along merrily leaving a trail of your things behind you, but when you get home you unpack what’s left and ask, "Didn’t I have more than this?"
Nourishment is about plugging those holes in your life and making sure you have things that keep you feeling nourished – nourished in your head, nourished in your heart, and nourished in your stomach. Remember that you can’t give away what you don’t have, and can’t spend energy you’ve already spent.
It doesn’t have to be the big things in life that nourish you and it’s often the simplest little thing that strikes a chord, makes you feel like yourself again, or makes you smile from ear to ear – calling a friend, talking a walk in the park, or listening to your favorite song, for example. So what keeps you balanced? What relaxes you or makes you feel peaceful? What makes you feel like you again?
The fact is that you’re important enough to spend time taking care of yourself and it doesn’t matter what it is, just take the time to do it. If necessary, go as far as booking time in your diary. You’re the only one of you there is, so it’s your responsibility to make sure you’re okay.
4. Perfect Day
Here’s something to play with – your Perfect Day. This idea came to me a few years ago when a good friend suddenly asked me "What would be your perfect day?" I’d never been asked that before and I found myself spontaneously making up a story – telling her about my Perfect Day from the moment my eyes flickered open to the moment my head hit the pillow.
I went through each part of the day telling her what I was doing, who I was with, where we were, how it felt and what happened next. Bit by bit and without even thinking about it, I’d put together a rich, colorful, exciting, and comforting day, which still holds true as my Perfect Day. The best part is that you can start introducing little bits of your Perfect Day into your real life or working to make some of it happen. For example, in part of my Perfect Day I visit a company where I’m helping the directors and employees to focus on their strengths and to create a environment where people love to work and can be their best – and that was even before I knew that there was such a thing as coaching or that I could be a coach. My Perfect Day has now become like a good friend of mine whom I can call on whenever I want to.
So what’s your Perfect Day? Don’t think too much about it and don’t worry about it sounding silly or too grand. Just shoot from the hip and see what comes out naturally for you. Write down words, ideas, themes or a whole narrative – even draw pictures if you want to. Have fun with it, play with it – it’s your Perfect Day.
5. Get Some Fun, Fulfilment and Freedom
The Three F’s – Fun, Fulfilment, and Freedom - encompass a lot of what people are looking for in life, and also contain the solutions to having, doing and being those things. Here are some definitions,
Fun, n. - A source of enjoyment or pleasure; playful activity.
Ful-fil'ment, n. - To bring into actuality; to complete; a feeling of satisfaction at having achieved your desires.
Free-dom, n. - The capacity to exercise choice, free will; frankness or boldness; the absence of constraint in choice or action.
Read those again. Those things are huge, deep, and broad, and are a lot simpler than we make them.
Where are you in relation to each of the Three F’s? How much of each do you have right now? How much of each do you want? Whatever gap there is, recognize that it can be closed, and that you can close it. What would things be like if you were to close that gap? What would happen if you climbed a point or two on the Fun scale? What if you could add a point to your level of Fulfilment or Freedom? How would that feel? Pretty good, right? So what one thing can you do right now to help you get more?
By themselves each of the Three F's are a powerful thing, and can really help to move you forward, enjoy where you are, and feel alive. But when the Three F's come together . . .well, just hold on to your hat and keys.
Rut? What rut?""
But what happens when you get a whole string of those off-days, maybe lasting weeks, months or even years? Too many of us say that we’re...
I don’t know about you, but sometimes I feel less than great. Low, grouchy, fed-up, and bored are all words you could use to describe what I’m like on those days and I’m probably not the best company. The thing is, days like those are part of the deal with being human – it’s not an elective. There will always be off days, and that’s okay.
But what happens when you get a whole string of those off-days, maybe lasting weeks, months or even years? Too many of us say that we’re in a rut, feel stuck, fed-up, or bored and admit that we don’t want things to be that way, but we don’t know what to do to change. That’s the problem, when you’re in a rut, you don’t have the energy or motivation to change things for the better, and it’s tough to find the insight or resources you need to make that jump.
Here are five fun and easy ways you can use right now to climb, or better yet, leap, out of the rut and start to get something better for yourself.
1. Do Something Differently
Life tends to run smoothly when we establish systems and routines for things, but the problem comes when things run too smoothly and we become blinded to any ideas or choices that sit outside of our routine. All the stuff we do every day becomes the norm, running on auto-pilot, and it becomes our whole world.
Start with making one or two simple changes to your day - be it at breakfast time, your radio station, gym routine, route to work, lunch routine, etc. Don’t worry about what the changes are or whether they’re right or wrong, just make a couple of simple choices that will serve you well.
Doing something differently or changing parts of your routine, instantly takes you out of the norm and allows you to shake off the things that make you feel confined. Step out of your routine and you’ll be in a position where you’re able to make different choices, see things differently and get a different result.
2. Use your Intuition
Your intuition is a powerful ally, and we all have it even though you might not recognize it. The dictionary says that intuition is:
1.a. The act or faculty of knowing or sensing without the use of rational processes; immediate cognition.
1.b. Knowledge gained by the use of this faculty; a perceptive insight.
2. A sense of something not evident or deducible; an impression.
One of the best friends you'll ever have in life is your intuition, and tuning in to it and learning to trust it is something that can have some truly remarkable effects. Accessing your intuition is a bit like working and developing a muscle, but unfortunately it can be harder to locate than a bicep or quadricep, which tend to stay in the same place. Here are some quick tips for accessing and trusting it –
• Practice maintaining an open-minded, playful, experimental, non-judgmental attitude. This is the most fertile ground to tap into your intuition.
• Practice making wild guesses in your everyday life. Guess what a salesperson's name is, what a new person or place will look like or who's calling on the phone. Don't worry about getting it wrong, you're just working that muscle.
• Try a few simple observation exercises in your daily life. Whether you're in a restaurant, on a train, in a bar, or out shopping, practice noticing non-verbal behavior in others. Look for shifts in posture, eye movements, vocal tone or tempo, etc. Guess how they're feeling or what they're talking about.
3. Nourishment
Imagine you’re walking home from the supermarket with a couple of bags of groceries, but those bags have holes in them. You’re walking along merrily leaving a trail of your things behind you, but when you get home you unpack what’s left and ask, "Didn’t I have more than this?"
Nourishment is about plugging those holes in your life and making sure you have things that keep you feeling nourished – nourished in your head, nourished in your heart, and nourished in your stomach. Remember that you can’t give away what you don’t have, and can’t spend energy you’ve already spent.
It doesn’t have to be the big things in life that nourish you and it’s often the simplest little thing that strikes a chord, makes you feel like yourself again, or makes you smile from ear to ear – calling a friend, talking a walk in the park, or listening to your favorite song, for example. So what keeps you balanced? What relaxes you or makes you feel peaceful? What makes you feel like you again?
The fact is that you’re important enough to spend time taking care of yourself and it doesn’t matter what it is, just take the time to do it. If necessary, go as far as booking time in your diary. You’re the only one of you there is, so it’s your responsibility to make sure you’re okay.
4. Perfect Day
Here’s something to play with – your Perfect Day. This idea came to me a few years ago when a good friend suddenly asked me "What would be your perfect day?" I’d never been asked that before and I found myself spontaneously making up a story – telling her about my Perfect Day from the moment my eyes flickered open to the moment my head hit the pillow.
I went through each part of the day telling her what I was doing, who I was with, where we were, how it felt and what happened next. Bit by bit and without even thinking about it, I’d put together a rich, colorful, exciting, and comforting day, which still holds true as my Perfect Day. The best part is that you can start introducing little bits of your Perfect Day into your real life or working to make some of it happen. For example, in part of my Perfect Day I visit a company where I’m helping the directors and employees to focus on their strengths and to create a environment where people love to work and can be their best – and that was even before I knew that there was such a thing as coaching or that I could be a coach. My Perfect Day has now become like a good friend of mine whom I can call on whenever I want to.
So what’s your Perfect Day? Don’t think too much about it and don’t worry about it sounding silly or too grand. Just shoot from the hip and see what comes out naturally for you. Write down words, ideas, themes or a whole narrative – even draw pictures if you want to. Have fun with it, play with it – it’s your Perfect Day.
5. Get Some Fun, Fulfilment and Freedom
The Three F’s – Fun, Fulfilment, and Freedom - encompass a lot of what people are looking for in life, and also contain the solutions to having, doing and being those things. Here are some definitions,
Fun, n. - A source of enjoyment or pleasure; playful activity.
Ful-fil'ment, n. - To bring into actuality; to complete; a feeling of satisfaction at having achieved your desires.
Free-dom, n. - The capacity to exercise choice, free will; frankness or boldness; the absence of constraint in choice or action.
Read those again. Those things are huge, deep, and broad, and are a lot simpler than we make them.
Where are you in relation to each of the Three F’s? How much of each do you have right now? How much of each do you want? Whatever gap there is, recognize that it can be closed, and that you can close it. What would things be like if you were to close that gap? What would happen if you climbed a point or two on the Fun scale? What if you could add a point to your level of Fulfilment or Freedom? How would that feel? Pretty good, right? So what one thing can you do right now to help you get more?
By themselves each of the Three F's are a powerful thing, and can really help to move you forward, enjoy where you are, and feel alive. But when the Three F's come together . . .well, just hold on to your hat and keys.
Rut? What rut?""
Minggu, 10 Januari 2010
3 Simple Strategies For Never Losing Out Again
Life is full of ups and downs and sometimes has a few sideways thrown in too. When things go wrong or don’t go as planned, or when something happens to throw us off balance and doubt ourselves it can be tough to deal with. After all, we all want things to go well and to end up as ‘winners’. But life will always throw challenges at us, and we can’t control everything. Nor should we try. It’s not what happens to you but what you do with what happens to you that makes the differ...
Life is full of ups and downs and sometimes has a few sideways thrown in too. When things go wrong or don’t go as planned, or when something happens to throw us off balance and doubt ourselves it can be tough to deal with. After all, we all want things to go well and to end up as ‘winners’. But life will always throw challenges at us, and we can’t control everything. Nor should we try. It’s not what happens to you but what you do with what happens to you that makes the difference. Here are three easy ways that you can always come out on top.
1. Focus on Your Strengths
We’re a bunch of contradictions – sorry to break it to you. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad; sometimes hopeful, sometimes pessimistic; sometimes childish and sometimes mature. We also have a whole load of strengths and weaknesses that affect what we do and how we do it, but tend to put more focus on our weaknesses and not our strengths.
A strength is something that you do consistently well or at a near-perfect level of performance – it’s something you’re just able to do, you’re hard-wired to do it well and you get an inherent satisfaction from doing it. It could be tackling and solving complex problems, empathising with people, having a lively imagination or being able to make the perfect omelette.
Focusing on what you do well rather than what you’re not so good at makes all kinds of sense. When you look at what you’re not good at you feel bad about yourself and your ability, but when you focus on and play to your strengths you’re guaranteed to get results, and can even eliminate any negative effect your weaknesses might have.
There was a guy I worked with who hated public speaking and recognised that it was one of his weaknesses. He worked as an advertising executive and as he climbed the ladder he found he had to do more and more presentations – he’d stutter, freeze, forget his point and not perform at his best at all. But when we focused on his strengths we found that he had amazing social skills, an ability to establish great rapport with people in no time at all and had a fantastic sense of humour. Using those strengths he was able to connect easily with each person in his audience, enjoy himself a whole lot more and to deliver presentations that had fun, humour and warmth in them. He used his strengths to overwhelm his weaknesses and went from strength to strength himself.
2. Set Things Up Ahead Of Time
Sure, there will be times when you can just head into something, do brilliantly at it and get the result you were hoping for (normally if you’re playing to your strengths), but other times you might blunder forwards, wing it and not get the result you wanted. Whatever challenges or opportunities you’re facing you’ll stand a much better chance of getting a great result if you set things up to succeed ahead of time.
So what exactly do you want to happen? What solution, outcome or result would be great? Get really clear on the outcome you want from what’s facing you and how it would feel to get the outcome you’re looking for. Then start breaking it down – what can you do to set things up so that your desired outcome happens? What needs to be put in place? What will help to make what you want to happen, happen? And to ensure the best outcome, what are you willing to do?
Whatever faces you, it’s possible to get the result you want by being crystal clear about the kind of result you want and by putting effort into setting things up so that it happens. Look at this way – you’re infinitely more likely to get your most wanted result by putting time or effort into setting things up ahead of time than if you don’t. Your choice.
3. There’s No Such Thing as Losing Anyway
What’s life all about, really? Getting a good job, getting married, feeling valued, having fun? It’s about different things to different people, but to boil it down I think it’s about doing the best we can to have, do and be the best for ourselves and those we care about. Sometimes it’s a struggle and sometimes it’s a joy, but what is constant through it all is our capacity to learn, develop and grow. Humans have an unparalleled ability to learn and adapt, which is exactly why we’re able to do the best we can and find ways to have, do and be more.
That’s why everything you do takes you one step forwards and it’s only by doing one thing, then another and another that the most astounding things in our world came about. As Thomas Edison said while he was on his 207th prototype for the electric light bulb - 'I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.' He's absolutely right – everything you do that doesn’t work out is another tick in another box and another step forwards, because you know one more way not to do something and what not to do next time. You’ll never get to 100% without going from 1% to 99% first.
In all that you do, whether it turns out how you wanted it to or not, there’s the capacity for learning. That means that it’s all part of the process and everything that you do and learn is an important step forwards.
There’s no such thing as losing, only learning and growing. So here’s to your continued success!"
Life is full of ups and downs and sometimes has a few sideways thrown in too. When things go wrong or don’t go as planned, or when something happens to throw us off balance and doubt ourselves it can be tough to deal with. After all, we all want things to go well and to end up as ‘winners’. But life will always throw challenges at us, and we can’t control everything. Nor should we try. It’s not what happens to you but what you do with what happens to you that makes the difference. Here are three easy ways that you can always come out on top.
1. Focus on Your Strengths
We’re a bunch of contradictions – sorry to break it to you. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad; sometimes hopeful, sometimes pessimistic; sometimes childish and sometimes mature. We also have a whole load of strengths and weaknesses that affect what we do and how we do it, but tend to put more focus on our weaknesses and not our strengths.
A strength is something that you do consistently well or at a near-perfect level of performance – it’s something you’re just able to do, you’re hard-wired to do it well and you get an inherent satisfaction from doing it. It could be tackling and solving complex problems, empathising with people, having a lively imagination or being able to make the perfect omelette.
Focusing on what you do well rather than what you’re not so good at makes all kinds of sense. When you look at what you’re not good at you feel bad about yourself and your ability, but when you focus on and play to your strengths you’re guaranteed to get results, and can even eliminate any negative effect your weaknesses might have.
There was a guy I worked with who hated public speaking and recognised that it was one of his weaknesses. He worked as an advertising executive and as he climbed the ladder he found he had to do more and more presentations – he’d stutter, freeze, forget his point and not perform at his best at all. But when we focused on his strengths we found that he had amazing social skills, an ability to establish great rapport with people in no time at all and had a fantastic sense of humour. Using those strengths he was able to connect easily with each person in his audience, enjoy himself a whole lot more and to deliver presentations that had fun, humour and warmth in them. He used his strengths to overwhelm his weaknesses and went from strength to strength himself.
2. Set Things Up Ahead Of Time
Sure, there will be times when you can just head into something, do brilliantly at it and get the result you were hoping for (normally if you’re playing to your strengths), but other times you might blunder forwards, wing it and not get the result you wanted. Whatever challenges or opportunities you’re facing you’ll stand a much better chance of getting a great result if you set things up to succeed ahead of time.
So what exactly do you want to happen? What solution, outcome or result would be great? Get really clear on the outcome you want from what’s facing you and how it would feel to get the outcome you’re looking for. Then start breaking it down – what can you do to set things up so that your desired outcome happens? What needs to be put in place? What will help to make what you want to happen, happen? And to ensure the best outcome, what are you willing to do?
Whatever faces you, it’s possible to get the result you want by being crystal clear about the kind of result you want and by putting effort into setting things up so that it happens. Look at this way – you’re infinitely more likely to get your most wanted result by putting time or effort into setting things up ahead of time than if you don’t. Your choice.
3. There’s No Such Thing as Losing Anyway
What’s life all about, really? Getting a good job, getting married, feeling valued, having fun? It’s about different things to different people, but to boil it down I think it’s about doing the best we can to have, do and be the best for ourselves and those we care about. Sometimes it’s a struggle and sometimes it’s a joy, but what is constant through it all is our capacity to learn, develop and grow. Humans have an unparalleled ability to learn and adapt, which is exactly why we’re able to do the best we can and find ways to have, do and be more.
That’s why everything you do takes you one step forwards and it’s only by doing one thing, then another and another that the most astounding things in our world came about. As Thomas Edison said while he was on his 207th prototype for the electric light bulb - 'I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.' He's absolutely right – everything you do that doesn’t work out is another tick in another box and another step forwards, because you know one more way not to do something and what not to do next time. You’ll never get to 100% without going from 1% to 99% first.
In all that you do, whether it turns out how you wanted it to or not, there’s the capacity for learning. That means that it’s all part of the process and everything that you do and learn is an important step forwards.
There’s no such thing as losing, only learning and growing. So here’s to your continued success!"
Minggu, 03 Januari 2010
"The 3 Most Popular Ways to Escape Uncomfortable Feelings of Low Self-Esteem"
WARNING! 85% of all people suffer from some form of diminished and low Self-Esteem. It is our low level of Self-Esteem, our Confidence and our Self-Image that cause most negativity and failure in our lives on a daily basis. Most of us try to 'cover up' our poos self worth and low Self-Esteem by showing forced and 'artificial' behaviour. Find out The 3 Most Popular Ways to Escape Uncomfortable Feelings of Low Self-Esteem here!
Copyright 2006 Dr Joe Rubino
Watch TV, open the newspaper, listen to the radio, or visit news sites on the Internet and you’ll immediately notice that the amount of human failure and disaster one is exposed to is disheartening. If you are like me, you may find yourself avoiding these sources of news and “entertainment” because you can’t stand the amount of negativity that infiltrates your mind and harmfully impacts your energy-state! Not surprisingly, much of the negativity in the world is sourced from people having an unhealthy, low level of self-esteem. Shocking, extensive research shows that over 85% of the world’s population has some type of deficiency in their level of self-esteem.
Low self-esteem causes feelings of discomfort, unhappiness, anger, fear, procrastination, frustration, shyness and incapability. This array of negative thought processes and sensations causes people to look for artificial ways to cover up their lack of confidence by taking on forced or unnatural behaviors. Three of the most common ways of covering up a negative self-image, diminished self-esteem and low confidence levels are:
1) Forced and unhealthy communication Forced acts of communication are ways we relate with each other in an unnatural and destructive way. Examples of unproductive communication could be uncontrolled anger, screaming or abusive language, or making unfair or unproductive remarks. All too often, when we feel uncomfortable in social situations or fear being controlled by another, we try to gain the upper hand by dominating the other person in some manner. For example, your spouse might make a remark that you allow to cause you to feel poorly about yourself or attacked in some way. (The words of another can never negatively impact our self-esteem unless we allow them to do so.) Most of the time, we react to what someone says when they bring up something we can not be with about how we see ourselves. This reactive feeling is all too often a sign of a diminished self-esteem. As a result of feeing threatened, you might counter with an aggressive or hostile remark of your own. Before long, you have unintentionally begun a downward spiral in communication that will surely erode your relationship over time.
Lacking self-esteem likewise impacts all other areas of life. Additional examples include fear of public speaking, ineffective professional communication, pursuing a carrier that is not in alignment with one’s passions and life-purpose, dating or even marrying people that do not match up well with our most important values because we fear we may not attract our ideal partner, and bringing up children to be fear-based, reactive, or unhealthy in their perceptions of the world and in their relationships with others.
2) Sleeping Excessively in order to Escape from Reality Do you know anyone who “sleeps their time away?” For countless people, sleeping is a way to escape their painful feelings of incapability, fear, discomfort, unworthiness, and weakness. These feelings stem from the interpretation that one is somehow unlovable or not good enough and are ultimately the result of low self-esteem levels. They drain our energy and cause internal friction that makes us tired. They also result in having us want to escape those situations instead of coping with them in an appropriate and effective manner. For many people sleeping is the easiest escape rather than learning to face life’s challenges. Sleeping is a means of recuperation — so upon awakening, all challenges can be coped with more easily with fresh energy. However many people don’t use sleep for the purpose of regenerating energy. They numb their pain with ‘chronic sleeping’ as an escape from reality. As an escape strategy, problems remain unaddressed and unsolved and so tend to become worse with the passing of time.
3) Use of Alcohol, Drugs, and Cigarettes As an active observer of people’s coping strategies, notice how often so many look for ways to numb the pain rather than address the source of their challenges. Many find comfort in cigarettes as a stress reliever. The underlying source of mental stress and bodily tension is often diminished self-esteem. So often, people condition themselves to turn to alcohol or drugs after experiencing a stressful event. Rather than deal with the causes of life’s disappointments, relationship challenges, or ineffective communication, it’s often easier to look for ways to forget about the problems by turning to alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs. Of course, these destructive forms of escaping the uncomfortable feelings that are caused by low confidence, a bad self-image and poor self-esteem often result in compounded health and social challenges of their own. In addition to their harmful physical effects, drugs and alcohol amplify negative feelings and thus result in further destructive behavior. In this way, they compound the already present challenges and result in a worsening, vicious cycle of greater proportions.
Low self-esteem is most often the cause of these destructive and escape-seeking behaviors. Rather than detach from or attempt to escape the challenges brought on by a poor self-image and low self-confidence, there is a more effective way to live a more powerful, happier and more abundant life — simply by elevating one’s level of self-esteem. After working personally with thousands of coaching clients in the past 15 years, I have uncovered an effective yet simple and easy-to-implement formula for improving one’s self-esteem. The entire process of healing one’s painful past, accurately assessing one’s current situation, and proactively designing the future in choice can be found in the step-by-step self-study program entitled, “The Self-Esteem Book: The Ultimate Guide to Boost the Most Underrated Ingredient for Success and Happiness in Life.” For more information on restoring your self-esteem and reclaiming your magnificence, visit TheSelfEsteemBook.com website.
Copyright 2006 Dr Joe Rubino
Watch TV, open the newspaper, listen to the radio, or visit news sites on the Internet and you’ll immediately notice that the amount of human failure and disaster one is exposed to is disheartening. If you are like me, you may find yourself avoiding these sources of news and “entertainment” because you can’t stand the amount of negativity that infiltrates your mind and harmfully impacts your energy-state! Not surprisingly, much of the negativity in the world is sourced from people having an unhealthy, low level of self-esteem. Shocking, extensive research shows that over 85% of the world’s population has some type of deficiency in their level of self-esteem.
Low self-esteem causes feelings of discomfort, unhappiness, anger, fear, procrastination, frustration, shyness and incapability. This array of negative thought processes and sensations causes people to look for artificial ways to cover up their lack of confidence by taking on forced or unnatural behaviors. Three of the most common ways of covering up a negative self-image, diminished self-esteem and low confidence levels are:
1) Forced and unhealthy communication Forced acts of communication are ways we relate with each other in an unnatural and destructive way. Examples of unproductive communication could be uncontrolled anger, screaming or abusive language, or making unfair or unproductive remarks. All too often, when we feel uncomfortable in social situations or fear being controlled by another, we try to gain the upper hand by dominating the other person in some manner. For example, your spouse might make a remark that you allow to cause you to feel poorly about yourself or attacked in some way. (The words of another can never negatively impact our self-esteem unless we allow them to do so.) Most of the time, we react to what someone says when they bring up something we can not be with about how we see ourselves. This reactive feeling is all too often a sign of a diminished self-esteem. As a result of feeing threatened, you might counter with an aggressive or hostile remark of your own. Before long, you have unintentionally begun a downward spiral in communication that will surely erode your relationship over time.
Lacking self-esteem likewise impacts all other areas of life. Additional examples include fear of public speaking, ineffective professional communication, pursuing a carrier that is not in alignment with one’s passions and life-purpose, dating or even marrying people that do not match up well with our most important values because we fear we may not attract our ideal partner, and bringing up children to be fear-based, reactive, or unhealthy in their perceptions of the world and in their relationships with others.
2) Sleeping Excessively in order to Escape from Reality Do you know anyone who “sleeps their time away?” For countless people, sleeping is a way to escape their painful feelings of incapability, fear, discomfort, unworthiness, and weakness. These feelings stem from the interpretation that one is somehow unlovable or not good enough and are ultimately the result of low self-esteem levels. They drain our energy and cause internal friction that makes us tired. They also result in having us want to escape those situations instead of coping with them in an appropriate and effective manner. For many people sleeping is the easiest escape rather than learning to face life’s challenges. Sleeping is a means of recuperation — so upon awakening, all challenges can be coped with more easily with fresh energy. However many people don’t use sleep for the purpose of regenerating energy. They numb their pain with ‘chronic sleeping’ as an escape from reality. As an escape strategy, problems remain unaddressed and unsolved and so tend to become worse with the passing of time.
3) Use of Alcohol, Drugs, and Cigarettes As an active observer of people’s coping strategies, notice how often so many look for ways to numb the pain rather than address the source of their challenges. Many find comfort in cigarettes as a stress reliever. The underlying source of mental stress and bodily tension is often diminished self-esteem. So often, people condition themselves to turn to alcohol or drugs after experiencing a stressful event. Rather than deal with the causes of life’s disappointments, relationship challenges, or ineffective communication, it’s often easier to look for ways to forget about the problems by turning to alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs. Of course, these destructive forms of escaping the uncomfortable feelings that are caused by low confidence, a bad self-image and poor self-esteem often result in compounded health and social challenges of their own. In addition to their harmful physical effects, drugs and alcohol amplify negative feelings and thus result in further destructive behavior. In this way, they compound the already present challenges and result in a worsening, vicious cycle of greater proportions.
Low self-esteem is most often the cause of these destructive and escape-seeking behaviors. Rather than detach from or attempt to escape the challenges brought on by a poor self-image and low self-confidence, there is a more effective way to live a more powerful, happier and more abundant life — simply by elevating one’s level of self-esteem. After working personally with thousands of coaching clients in the past 15 years, I have uncovered an effective yet simple and easy-to-implement formula for improving one’s self-esteem. The entire process of healing one’s painful past, accurately assessing one’s current situation, and proactively designing the future in choice can be found in the step-by-step self-study program entitled, “The Self-Esteem Book: The Ultimate Guide to Boost the Most Underrated Ingredient for Success and Happiness in Life.” For more information on restoring your self-esteem and reclaiming your magnificence, visit TheSelfEsteemBook.com website.
Jumat, 01 Januari 2010
"Five More Ways To Escape Uncomfortable Feelings of Low Self-Esteem and Poor Self-Confidence"
Diminshed levels of self-esteem and poor self-confidence are often shown in certain human behaviour. This article gives a list of five emotional ways that uncover this human lack. In addition it provides solutions to solve one's poor level of self-esteem and lack of self-confidence.
Copyright 2006 Dr Joe Rubino
Many people live their entire lives without getting to the source of what originally caused their feelings of low self-esteem. Because they are unaware of how they can heal their painful past and reframe the circumstances that originally resulted in interpretations of being unworthy, unlovable, or deficient in some way, most people instead often resort to finding ways to distract themselves from the unpleasant sensations that accompany feeling inferior. Instead of effectively silencing the nagging voice of past hurts, they seek out distractions to help them temporarily forget about their lacking confidence and deficient self-image. Five of the more common ways to relieve the pain of low self-esteem and poor self-confidence involve excessive attention to work, food, sports, sex, or even shopping. Like all addictions, they help to distract from but do not resolve the underlying problem and so one is still plagued by feelings that will continually require greater efforts from which to hide.
Workaholism
In our culture, work is usually an acceptable means of diverting our attention. Through hard work, we busy ourselves to the extent that we lack the free time needed to brood over our sorrows. Those who work excessively are often too tired to worry about a lacking social life or the pursuit of fun pastimes that they often likewise believe they do not deserve to experience. Work provides rewards such as money, recognition, and a feeling of accomplishment, all of which help to compensate for feelings of failure in other areas of life.
It’s not that a commitment to work is bad. In fact, it is quite admirable as just one component to a well-balanced life. However, when pursued to excess, it doesn’t allow for the honoring of other equally important elements such as a commitment to family, friends, fun, recreation, personal and spiritual development, etc. An obsession with work can take its toll on health, relationships, and missed opportunities for other equally valuable pursuits.
Moreover, when work is undertaken from the perspective that one is ‘not good enough’ in one or more aspects of their being, it can’t be fully enjoyed. Feelings of low self confidence and little self-esteem diminish one’s energy by consuming attention that could have been spent more productively in the joyful pursuit of one’s goals, rather than as a distraction from persistent negative self-talk.
Over-Eating
Like working excessively, an obsession with food is often a common escape from feelings of unworthiness. Eating can serve both as a distraction and a way to make ourselves feel better temporarily. We often seek from food the emotional connection that we are lacking in close, intimate relationships. Frequently, food is linked in our minds to happy times with family or friends. Perhaps we experienced food rewards from our parents or authority figures for scholastic or sports accomplishments. For many, food has become synonymous with love. And so in times of stress, fear, and loneliness, many turn to food to fill a void that only love and self-fulfillment can satisfy.
Habitual overeating also results in being out of shape, overweight, and generally unattractive in the paradigm of Western modern-day culture. The more one eats as a substitute for missing self-love and intimacy with others, the more obese he or she is likely to become. This in turn reinforces the feeling that the heavier the person becomes, the less she fits in and the lower her self-esteem and self-confidence plummets. The greater the feelings of loneliness and not fitting in that result, the more she is likely to seek comfort in food (especially the high carbohydrate, high fat, high comfort variety). A vicious cycle is thus set in motion ensuring more weight gain and lower self-esteem.
Sports and Other Physical Outlets
Some people run to overcome feelings of loneliness, boredom, depression or lacking self-worth. Some pump iron, play golf, or work out at the gym while others find their own unique way to divert their focus through exercise, hobbies, or sports. Many would argue that such a diversion is a healthy way to funnel energy into an activity that contributes to good physical health. However, like any obsession, when taken to the extreme for the purpose of diverting attention from issues in need of resolution, it can become an unhealthy means of avoiding areas in serious need of attention.
Sex
An obsession with sex outside of a healthy, loving relationship can likewise become a means of distraction to take the focus away from self-esteem and self-confidence issues. Whether it’s Internet porn sites, an obsession with strip clubs, or the need for frequent casual sexual encounters, all serve as an effort to numb the pain of isolation. Ironically, the greater the obsession to connect with others through meaningless sexual experiences, the greater one’s sense of isolation will likely become.
Shopping
Another common obsession to compensate for a low self-image is shopping. While some find temporary comfort in making themselves feel more attractive by purchasing the latest, most stylish clothes, shoes, accessories, or even cars and other expensive toys if their budget allows (and many times even if it does not!), compulsive shoppers find that the comfort they seek in material items is typically short lived. They often fool themselves into thinking that next new dress, sport coat, outfit or cologne purchase will make the difference they seek in having them feel better about themselves. Sadly, it never does. However, all too often such excessive spending sprees send the shopaholic deeper into debt. This further reinforces or worsens the failure interpretation they already possessed and continues to diminish their self-esteem and confidence level.
There are countless other addictions that people resort to in an effort to find meaning in life when their own self-worth is lacking. Whether it is compulsive gambling, studying, puttering in the yard, decorating the house, or whatever other diversion, those who lack inner peace will not soon find it externally with a focus that seeks to cover up feelings of being unworthy or unlovable.
Thankfully, there IS a way to reclaim one’s self-worth and restore self-esteem to a high level providing internal comfort and fulfillment. For a complete roadmap to reclaiming self-esteem, visit TheSelfEsteemBook.com and discover all details of this strong authentic formula that will assist you in boosting your self-esteem and self-confidence.
Copyright 2006 Dr Joe Rubino
Many people live their entire lives without getting to the source of what originally caused their feelings of low self-esteem. Because they are unaware of how they can heal their painful past and reframe the circumstances that originally resulted in interpretations of being unworthy, unlovable, or deficient in some way, most people instead often resort to finding ways to distract themselves from the unpleasant sensations that accompany feeling inferior. Instead of effectively silencing the nagging voice of past hurts, they seek out distractions to help them temporarily forget about their lacking confidence and deficient self-image. Five of the more common ways to relieve the pain of low self-esteem and poor self-confidence involve excessive attention to work, food, sports, sex, or even shopping. Like all addictions, they help to distract from but do not resolve the underlying problem and so one is still plagued by feelings that will continually require greater efforts from which to hide.
Workaholism
In our culture, work is usually an acceptable means of diverting our attention. Through hard work, we busy ourselves to the extent that we lack the free time needed to brood over our sorrows. Those who work excessively are often too tired to worry about a lacking social life or the pursuit of fun pastimes that they often likewise believe they do not deserve to experience. Work provides rewards such as money, recognition, and a feeling of accomplishment, all of which help to compensate for feelings of failure in other areas of life.
It’s not that a commitment to work is bad. In fact, it is quite admirable as just one component to a well-balanced life. However, when pursued to excess, it doesn’t allow for the honoring of other equally important elements such as a commitment to family, friends, fun, recreation, personal and spiritual development, etc. An obsession with work can take its toll on health, relationships, and missed opportunities for other equally valuable pursuits.
Moreover, when work is undertaken from the perspective that one is ‘not good enough’ in one or more aspects of their being, it can’t be fully enjoyed. Feelings of low self confidence and little self-esteem diminish one’s energy by consuming attention that could have been spent more productively in the joyful pursuit of one’s goals, rather than as a distraction from persistent negative self-talk.
Over-Eating
Like working excessively, an obsession with food is often a common escape from feelings of unworthiness. Eating can serve both as a distraction and a way to make ourselves feel better temporarily. We often seek from food the emotional connection that we are lacking in close, intimate relationships. Frequently, food is linked in our minds to happy times with family or friends. Perhaps we experienced food rewards from our parents or authority figures for scholastic or sports accomplishments. For many, food has become synonymous with love. And so in times of stress, fear, and loneliness, many turn to food to fill a void that only love and self-fulfillment can satisfy.
Habitual overeating also results in being out of shape, overweight, and generally unattractive in the paradigm of Western modern-day culture. The more one eats as a substitute for missing self-love and intimacy with others, the more obese he or she is likely to become. This in turn reinforces the feeling that the heavier the person becomes, the less she fits in and the lower her self-esteem and self-confidence plummets. The greater the feelings of loneliness and not fitting in that result, the more she is likely to seek comfort in food (especially the high carbohydrate, high fat, high comfort variety). A vicious cycle is thus set in motion ensuring more weight gain and lower self-esteem.
Sports and Other Physical Outlets
Some people run to overcome feelings of loneliness, boredom, depression or lacking self-worth. Some pump iron, play golf, or work out at the gym while others find their own unique way to divert their focus through exercise, hobbies, or sports. Many would argue that such a diversion is a healthy way to funnel energy into an activity that contributes to good physical health. However, like any obsession, when taken to the extreme for the purpose of diverting attention from issues in need of resolution, it can become an unhealthy means of avoiding areas in serious need of attention.
Sex
An obsession with sex outside of a healthy, loving relationship can likewise become a means of distraction to take the focus away from self-esteem and self-confidence issues. Whether it’s Internet porn sites, an obsession with strip clubs, or the need for frequent casual sexual encounters, all serve as an effort to numb the pain of isolation. Ironically, the greater the obsession to connect with others through meaningless sexual experiences, the greater one’s sense of isolation will likely become.
Shopping
Another common obsession to compensate for a low self-image is shopping. While some find temporary comfort in making themselves feel more attractive by purchasing the latest, most stylish clothes, shoes, accessories, or even cars and other expensive toys if their budget allows (and many times even if it does not!), compulsive shoppers find that the comfort they seek in material items is typically short lived. They often fool themselves into thinking that next new dress, sport coat, outfit or cologne purchase will make the difference they seek in having them feel better about themselves. Sadly, it never does. However, all too often such excessive spending sprees send the shopaholic deeper into debt. This further reinforces or worsens the failure interpretation they already possessed and continues to diminish their self-esteem and confidence level.
There are countless other addictions that people resort to in an effort to find meaning in life when their own self-worth is lacking. Whether it is compulsive gambling, studying, puttering in the yard, decorating the house, or whatever other diversion, those who lack inner peace will not soon find it externally with a focus that seeks to cover up feelings of being unworthy or unlovable.
Thankfully, there IS a way to reclaim one’s self-worth and restore self-esteem to a high level providing internal comfort and fulfillment. For a complete roadmap to reclaiming self-esteem, visit TheSelfEsteemBook.com and discover all details of this strong authentic formula that will assist you in boosting your self-esteem and self-confidence.
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