Why Men Leave (The Fantasy Relationship)

Copyright 2006 Brenda Shoshanna

"What's life without a girl friend?" asks Jimmy, a tall, forty-five year old Sicilian man, an irresistible charmer. "I never say good-bye to one without a few more waiting in the wings," he says. "It keeps me going. Is that so bad?" Then he flashes his boyish grin.

Although he never stays long, Jimmy has strong opinions on male female relationships. "There's a conflict of roles, with no roles clearly defined. "Women want monogamous relationships. Men don't want to get trapped. Men get guilty about leaving though. Believe it or not, it's hard to leave. We men do get guilty. Whatever we do we end up feeling like rats.”

Underneath all this are his feelings of dependency. Jimmy believes a man is nothing compared to a woman."A man really wants a woman to run the show," he says easily. "A guy doesn't know what's going on. But he also wants the woman to let him think he's running it. If women could only understand that -boy. It's a subtle thing.

Commenting on this issue, Dr. Robert Berk, says, "There are a lot of men who can't tolerate their own dependency on women because they experience it as emasculating. They therefore withdraw. Some downgrade the woman to make her appear a lot less valuable than she really is to them." Jimmy compensates by having as many women around as he can. This way he won't be the one to be left - an unbearable ego blow.

"A man likes a strong woman," Jimmy continued, "but she should be strong in subtle ways. In order to have a really terrific woman that he wouldn't want to leave, a man has to be confident that his love was strong enough for her so she wouldn't go somewhere else. Good women are too much for most men."

When Jimmy finally found the woman of his dreams, he saw her twice, and after that, wouldn't ever see her again. "The magic was really something. I held her close, we laughed a lot, she was terrific. Neither of us could part. It was perfect. At the end of the night we didn't take each other's numbers. We just had our night and said good-bye. We both said to each other we hoped we never saw each other again. You see, we created this incredible illusion for two nights, but could we do it again?

After what happened that night, well, it can't get better than that? I'm gonna live off that memory the rest of my life." For Jimmy, and many men like him, being truly happy, and affirmed in love can only happen in the world of illusion.

He was determined to hold onto this woman and the two nights they spent together exactly as they had been. He needed it badly. At all costs he didn't want the fantasy to be destroyed, or to see aspects of himself or her that didn't fit in.

When a man is seeking illusion, fantasy, and escape from painful conflict or feelings of low self-esteem, a brief, magical experience, in which no one is tested, becomes a substitute for real love. A fantasy love cannot be threatened or damaged. It also cannot be taken away. Of course, the contradiction inherent in this situation is that holding onto this fantasy keeps the possibility of ongoing, sustaining love away.

Cc/Brenda Shoshanna/2006

Laughter: Use It to Pick Up Women

Humour, some say, is the fruit of life, and this is especially true when it comes to picking up on a girl no matter where the location. Make them laugh, and I guarantee, that you are very close to getting their phone number and even to getting them to go out with you.

But, as we all know, making them laugh, is easier said than done. Precisely for those who find it difficult to come up with something funny to say, I am adding some funny anecdotes and wise cracks that you can memorize and then use in those situations where you need to get the girl in front of you to laugh.

1) The Prescription:
Did you hear of the lady, who walked into the pharmacist and asked for arsenic?
The man behind the counter asked in wonder, "What do you need that for?
The lady calmly replied," to kill my husband."
The pharmacist was taken aback," Are you crazy? Do you want to get us both into jail? And, anyway, why do you want to kill him? Go to a counselor. Get help for your marriage."
The lady paused and from her purse she removed a set of pictures of her husband and the wife of the pharmacist in some very creative postures.
The pharmacist looked at the snaps, put them down and smiled," lady, why did you not tell me that you have a prescription?"

2) The Tip Book
A wife calls out to her husband, "Have you seen the book, 101 Tips to Live for More Than a Hundred Years?
The husband sheepishly replies, "I burnt it."
"What?" the wife shouted out," why?"
The husband whispered back," Because your mother wanted to read it."

3) Range of Food
Looking at his wife fry meat balls in all kinds of shapes and sizes, Tom tapped her on the shoulder, "Why?"
His wife turned," Because you asked for a variety of food."

4) Mushrooms
Tom was picking mushrooms from the forest floor with his wife, when she picked up one and showed it to Tom," Is this for eating?"
Tom smiled," Yes. As long as you do not cook it."

5) Driving Around
Tom greeted his wife when she returned home," So, my dear, how was your first time driving all alone?"
His wife smiled coyly, "Do you want to hear it from me or read about it in the papers?

6) Drama
A couple are watching a film in their local theater when the wife snuggles close to her husband and points to the screen," Do you think that they will get married in the end?"
The husband sighs," Yes. These movies always have bad endings."

7) The Library
Tom visited the local library, walks up to the librarian and asks, "Do you know where I can find the book, the Supremacy of Men over Women?"
The librarian conducts a short search on the computer and looks up," you will be able to find it in the science fiction."

Conclusion:
While some of these might sound offensive, if you use them well you will be able to display not just a sense of humour, but also that you are exactly the opposite of the stereotype. How? Immediately, after you done, lean over and whisper, But I am not like that, and if you allow me to take you out, you will see that for yourself.

How to Meet that Special Someone

Chances are unless you are very lucky you will go thru many different relationships before you find your special someone. Finding your sole mate is like gambling. In poker and blackjack you may have to play dozens of hands until you get a winning hand, and it is the same with relationships.

During your life you will probably meet some people who seem like they may be the one, or that they are close, but still have the feeling that something else is missing. My advice is that if you are not happy, because something seems like it is missing, then it usually is not right.

Before I found my special someone, I was in a relationship for over 10 years, and I thought everything was great, until I started to seriously consider getting married. Then I noticed that we had so little in common and in reality wanted so many different things out of life and one day we both realized there was much about each of us that we both wanted from someone, but it was not us that we wanted.

Then one day I decided I had enough of trying to go to clubs and bars to meet people. I was sick and tired of trying to find someone in the time it takes to finish a drink. It always seemed the ladies I would meet were all wrong for me, or they seemed great after talking to them for 5 minutes but they seemed to have no interest in me.

Then one day I had an idea, it was not an original idea but I decided to use the internet to try to find the right person for me. So I proceeded to make a myspace profile. On this page I tried to put the real me and not the funny guy trying to be charming that was looking for love at the bar.

And as I would at the poker rooms I went all in, I poured my heart and sole into this. I wrote what I wanted and wrote down who I truly think I am and not who I want to be, and I was rewarded by 1 email responding to my site.

It was amazing; the response I got was like a dream. Imagine you are sitting in a Las Vegas casino playing poker. You are down to your last few dollars, you go all in and you wind up being dealt a Royal Flush, and suddenly the sky is bluer, the grass is greener, and all your worries seem to just fade away.

At first things were a little awkward for the both of us. We decided to hold of on actually meeting until we got to know each other first. We spent a month just talking everyday on the internet. You can really open up to someone and show them the real you and not have to worry about rejection on the internet, after all you are just a faceless ghost, and if things don’t work out you could be sitting next to her on the bus one day without ever knowing it.

The key to finding happiness is realizing you are going to bust more then you are going to get blackjack, but you must keep trying, trying to remember you only need to find the real thing once.

Your Thinking style - Test It

Thinking it is said is one of the toughest things to do. Many of us say that they will think about something and then revert. You must have heard this many times. Do these people really think? What do they do? Do they look at the problem in total perspective, think about different actions that could be taken and find out the consequences and then find out the best option? No, not many of us do that.

Most of us do sloppy thinking. We don't strain our mind, but find out a convenient answer that does not need much thinking and present that as their conclusion. We come across many issues in our life. Dating, studying, taking a career, selecting a job, look for a home, and so on. Do we think about every option and weigh it or find out cursory details and decide?

You must have read lot of history and geography. How many times did you think about the times described, about the people, the kind of lives they led and their knowledge? not many of us do that. Every news that we come across has something to think about. But we don't. Why none of us thinks about why all of us want to know so much about how celebrities live and their love and career? What does that information give us except some entertainment for few minutes? But we don't think. We don't think about how to use our time effectively.

Do we think about what our political leaders say? Do we think about why we are looking for a date? Do we think about why our relationship is breaking? We pretend to think. But we don't normally carry out any analysis. Sloppy thinking leads us nowhere. It produces bad results. To think means - to try and understand every aspect of the given problem, its past and what the future may entail.

What kind of thinker are you? Why not find out with some fun quizzes about your personality. They will surely make you think.

Citas a Ciegas

Para todo aquel que busque encontrar su alma gemela, media naranja, amor, enamorarse, un compañero de emociones o como quieras llamarlo es algo difícil de encontrar. Para algunos desde ya no es algo complicado, les ha pasado a los 15 años, 18, 22, en fin ya comparten el día y la mayor parte de sus vidas con alguien desde hace mucho. A otros, sin embargo les es más complicado y duro de encontrar.

La experiencia de las citas a ciegas es algo inolvidable, bueno o malo puede ser interesante. Como dicen, la experiencia es cuando no encuentras lo que buscas. Sin embargo hay casos en que esta experiencia se vuelve en lo que uno busca.

Si eres de aquellos que creen en que un amigo, familia o alguien que te conoce puede llegar a tener a alguien con el cual encuentres lo que buscas, la pregunta es ¿Por qué no probar?

En mi caso personal, experimente varias citas a ciegas y amigas mías también lo hicieron. Algunas fueron sorprendentes, en el sentido de buenas y otras de malas. Es como un juego de ruleta una pequeña probabilidad en muchas de que salgas feliz o que algo interesante salga de ello.

Una amiga de mi mama quiso que conozca al hermano de su nuera. Cuando llegue al lugar de la cita y lo vi, rápidamente me di cuenta de que no era para mi pero quizás podía pasar un buen rato. El chico, trajo consigo un poema que había escrito y quería decírmelo. Era una situación muy rara e incomoda ya que el y yo no concordábamos en nada y no teníamos nada que ver. El problema era que la amiga de mi mama no me conocía tanto, y creía que si. Es por eso que la cita no funciono.

En el caso de mi hermana, al mudarse a un país nuevo la única forma de conocer gente y chicos era por medio de citas. Lo gracioso de la historia es que la señora de la lavandería le propuso salir con su hijo y ella acepto. Al llegar a la cita el chico tenía labio leporino y era nada atractivo en su aspecto. Mi hermana no podía disimular no mirar a su labio y en el medio de la cita encontró a otro chico en la mesa de enfrente que le gusto.

Mi amigo, que es gay y yo salimos hace unas semanas a una fiesta con una amiga mía. Los dos se hicieron amigos y ella le comento que tiene un amigo de su clase de la universidad que también es gay y es muy lindo. Entonces arreglaron que por que no se conocían. AL final de la noche intercambiaron teléfonos y quedo ella en hablar con su amigo. Su amigo acepto y se llamaron. Al encontrarse los dos no tenían nada de lo que hablar y el otro para hacer la cita más corto no pudo disimular su desinterés y hacia todo rápido para irse antes.

En fin, las citas a ciegas son algo que debes hacer si la persona que los conecta los conoce bien y puede llegar a saber que te gustara de la otra persona o que buscas. Sin embargo no hay certeza de que saldrás contento de una forma u otra. Puede pasar que de casualidad la persona te encante y que si tienes la mente abierta saldrás ganando.

Are you ready for LOVE?

Are you at a place in your life where you aren’t attracting the love you want?Has your current relationship lost its sizzle? What prevents you from being ‘in love’? How much energy do you exert NOT to love yourself or others? It takes more effort NOT to love, than to love.

Want More Love and Joy?

In order to make room for what you do want, you have to release and let go of the things you don’t want. To attract what you want, you will want to let go of everything that keeps you away from Love. Like attracts like.

Unless you want to continue on your current path, you are probably overdue of letting go of emotional pain of a break-up, past failures or the need for approval. Maybe you continuously seek recognition at work or have unrealistic expectations for yourself. Thoughts like, “I’m not attractive” or “I will never have a loving relationship” need to be purged.

What You Resist – Persists

As long as you continue to resist painful memories and limiting thoughts and beliefs you create separation. You create separation from your true self. You separate yourself from what you are ‘love’! And, love remains illusive.

Are you resisting painful experiences from your past? Are you doing everything you can to forget the past? Maybe you think that the more you put your past behind you, the less effect it will have on you.

Do you spend hours contemplating problems? When you focus on your problems, they persist. Your contempt for your problems fuels and strengthens them. The more energy you direct to your problems and pain, you create ‘stress’ and ‘dis-ease’.

Are You Holding on to Pain?

Do you find yourself watching endless hours of TV? Are you trying to escape emotional and spiritual pain by taking drugs or alcohol? Do you overeat to escape the pain? Do you use your computer for hours on end to escape? What distractions take you out of being present with what you are feeling? Stored up pain such as hatred, anger, fear, frustration, apathy, depression etc. become scattered in your body and energetic space.

Releasing Stuck Pain or Resistance

If you have ever been light-headed from hunger and then felt a sigh of contentment as you fed your body the perfect meal, you’ve experienced grounding. If you’ve ever melted into the back rub you got from a trusted person at the end of a stressful day, you’ve experienced being grounded.

Grounding is a simple process of connecting to the Earth that many people do naturally throughout the course of a day. Anything that brings you to the sense of pleasure and release is grounding. When you are grounded, you feel centered focused, and present.

People connect with their bodies and the Earth in many ways: through touch and body work, through eating, through being out in nature or in water, through contact with animals and through healthy sex. Visualizing, an imaginary grounding cord, is a way to release foreign energy from your body so that it can experience love and joy.

Create a Path for Releasing to Feel Safe and Happy

A grounding cord provides a way to flush out pent up energy and emotion so you can feel good about yourself. It is a way to move energy as it comes towards you, rather than letting it get stuck in the body. When foreign energy gets stuck in the body, it stops the natural flow of energy and might manifest as depression, a migraine headache, aches, pain, or eventually illness.

Effortless Release Every Day for More Love

Grounding works much like a drain or waterfall. When you pour water down the drain you probably never wonder ….:”where did it go?” Be patient with yourself and have fun with your new toy. Grounding becomes as natural like breathing or smiling with practice.

Consider releasing other people’s problems, your worries and anxiety that are weighing you down... Keep it simple and stay amused with yourself. Tune into being in harmony with this process of grounding and letting everything go effortlessly.

Grounding is such an invaluable tool in healing yourself that it’s worth taking the time to be sure you can do it easily and comfortably. With practice, you can train yourself to be connected with the earth all of the time. Don’t create any limits for yourself on how much you can release without effort.

Grounding Cord Visualization

To revitalize and refresh your body, mind and spirit take the first step by letting go with grounding. It is always the first step to all the subsequent steps in this book. From the base of your spine, make a connection to the healing planet energy to release excess energy and stabilize your body.
1. Close eyes but stay focused.
• Be aware of own body with your feet flat on the floor.
Create a mental image of line of energy between base of spine and the center of the planet.
• Connect a grounding cord into the center of earth.
• Secure the grounding cord snuggly at the base of your spine.
• Notice your breathing.
• Using the gravitational pull of the planet start to release foreign or stuck energy from your body and aura.
• Notice how your body feels while grounding. Imagine seeing stuck energy draining out of you.

Remember to:
1. Start your day with by grounding yourself.
2. Check in with yourself during the day to see if you have a grounding cord.
3. Notice what happens in your body as you release using your grounding cord.

Grounding is one way to bring your self back into alignment with your essence– love. Practice the following grounding meditation 10-15 minutes each day. The more you practice to better your results.

Amirah © 2006 All Rights Reserved.

You have permission to publish this article electronically or in print, free of charge, as long as the bylines are included. A courtesy copy of your publication would be appreciated.

Approaching Women: The Simple Event That Changed My Life

Copyright 2006 X & Y Communications

It was a perfectly normal Saturday afternoon.  I was going to visit my girlfriend later in the day, but until then it was time to run the usual slate of typical, mundane errands.

Even though I was in a relationship at the time, I had learned from my research on men and women that ‘style’ was important—so I had some nice jeans and a button down shirt on.  My belt and my shoes matched, and I was in “Successful Guy Saturday Casual” mode.

After a quick trip to the post office and a stop at the bicycle shop, it was time to go to Target.  I needed several things, so I got a cart.

I had checked off toothpaste, light bulbs and a couple items from the automotive department when I happened to see someone I knew at the end of the aisle.  I had only met her once, but she was a friend of my girlfriend’s.  So I knew I had better say “hello”.  After all, “making nice” with the girlfriend’s friends is always a plus.

She didn’t appear to notice who I was, so as I reached where she was I tapped her shoulder with the back of my hand and said (simply), “Hey!”.   She turned and responded back with a reciprocal “Hey!”, with a warm smile and that classic “eyebrow flash” that the body-language books talk about.

“So it looks like even superheroes like you and I still have to shop for normal, everyday stuff at the Target, right?”, I said, noticing a few stray items in her shopping cart.

“I suppose!”, she acknowledged with a laugh.

I continued with very typical small talk after that.  As the conversation continued, I started feeling something strange…if not downright creepy.

My girlfriend’s friend, if my mind wasn’t playing tricks on me, was starting to behave in a manner that I would ALMOST call…FLIRTATIOUS.

I was caught off guard.  After all, if what I was seeing was really happening, it was COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE.  After all, not only was I dating this woman's friend…this woman was MARRIED!

So I maintained that 18” distance that social mores dictate is proper, while continuing with perfectly normal conversation.  But soon, there was no denying the body language.  She was clearly enjoying the interaction, and eventually made a comment or two that were unmistakably forward.

At this point I was going OUT OF MY WAY to not appear romantically interested in return.  Yet, I couldn’t help the thoughts that were racing in my mind.  This woman was CLEARLY ATTRACTED to me.  On top of the impropriety of it all, I was struck by the IMPROBABILITY of it all.  This woman was 15 years my junior and at least FIVE INCHES TALLER than me!

Now, let me level-set here.  My girlfriend at the time was a beautiful woman, and her friend was likewise very attractive.  So here we had a situation where a woman who was NOT MY TYPE AT ALL, and indeed not one of the ones I would immediately picture going after a guy like me, was UNQUESTIONABLY  INTERESTED.

At that point I realized that this conversation needed to end…and SOON, for obvious reasons.  To that effect I said, “Well, time to get back to shopping.  But I’ll tell [my girlfriend’s name] you said ‘hello’.”

There was a slight pause.  Then a quizzical look from the woman.

“Uh…who’s [my girlfriend’s name]?”, she wondered.  I looked back with an equally querulous expression.  “…Aren’t you Jennifer?”

“Um…nooooooo…my name is Felicia.”

With my mind racing in several different directions, I happened to look down and noticed there was no ring on her left hand.

I spontaneously laughed, and explained to her what had just happened.  The woman really was a dead ringer for who I thought she was.

She responded with warm eyes and a feminine giggle.  “So that’s…IT...?”, she said with one raised eyebrow and a motion of the hand to indicate continuation.  I politely ended the conversation there anyway, of course, because I had a girlfriend, and returned to shopping.

But I was changed forever.

Why?

I had read time and again about how something like 90% of men have some fear of approaching women.  Furthermore, I had read about how the single most important factor in GETTING OVER that fear is to simply GO OUT AND MEET WOMEN.  The problem is that most of the time we as guys can't get out of our own way when doing so…assuming we get up the guts to even try.

So, in one brief exercise—and by TOTAL ACCIDENT—I had unequivocally proven what it takes to successfully meet women.  Ironically, the “success” was OVERWHELMINGLY due to the fact that I wasn't trying to "pick this woman up".

So what’s going on there?

Let’s outline the key principles and components of that experience at the Target:

1)       I had started the day making sure I looked my best.  I was READY for an interaction with a woman…if not the woman at the Target.

2)       I had NO HIDDEN AGENDA with this woman from a sexual perspective.  There was nothing about my approach that caused her to put her guard up.  I was just making normal conversation.  As such, there was a comfortable atmosphere surrounding the whole thing.

3)       Based on the fact that I believed I already knew this woman, I was 100% CONFIDENT that I wouldn’t be flatly rejected when I spoke to her.  Think about it.  If you behave as if you are sure that talking to someone will be met with a positive response, you will not be nervous or sketchy about it at all.

4)       My “opener” with her was a simple “Hey!” with a light, backhanded whack on the shoulder.  No fancy, contrived "lines".

5)       This was not a bar or some other special “pick up joint”.  This was the TARGET!

Bear in mind that this woman, although very beautiful, was not at all the type of woman I would ever see myself approaching or see myself with.  And consider that it took virtually no direct effort to impress her.  What appeared to “impress her” was the sincerity and confidence portrayed in simply wanting to talk to her.

THAT’S IT.

There is no doubt that this woman perceived my approach as being related to her being a woman and me being a man.  Although I was not even close to who the “media” would match her up with, the combination of facility, confidence and a low-pressure approach WORKED WONDERS.  Ladies, that kind of attitude is what you look forward to when it comes to men approaching you, is it not?  Don’t shout me down for telling the truth!

After that day, I made sure that my “accidental discovery” became firmly embedded into my conscience.  After that, talking to any woman I want—anywhere—has been all about considering her someone I already know, and affording her the simple respect that goes along with it.  No woman has ever been a “stranger”, ever since.

Guys:  If you have any trepidation at all when it comes to meeting a woman you find attractive, learn from this lesson and I assure you your life will be radically transformed.  You have the ability to meet any woman you choose to.  Make it so.

Ladies:  Here’s to more guys learning what I learned that day.  I know you all are patiently waiting…