Gatekeeping, Your Brains Ultimate Secretary

Picture a secretary or assistant in your brain. This assistant is going to decide what information to allow through to your conscious brain. They are the gatekeepers of information. Their job is important, as an overwhelming amount of information is thrown at you daily and you’d go crazy if it all came to you on a conscious level.

Part of the information they don't allow past the gate is anything that your brain or unconscious self does not want to accept as true. You see, we take on beliefs as we are growing up. These beliefs’ can come from our parents, teachers, friends and the society where we were raised. And they may not align with our beliefs today.

This can be compounded when you are trying to work with co-workers or clients. You see the person you are trying to give a message to also has their own gate keeping system, with their own set of beliefs.

For example, you may believe that the road to success is easy with the right tools. However, the subconscious is playing a tape from childhood that is saying, "Yeah right, you know that it's a struggle and most people don't make it."

The result is that your gatekeeper will keep back success opportunities from you. It believes that it is doing you a favour. It doesn't want you to prove yourself wrong or create conflict in your mind and risk stress and anxiety that may come from conflicting beliefs. So the results are, that you will not see what is right in front of you.

Have you ever been looking for something and said to yourself. "Why can't I ever find what I am looking for?" and then someone comes up and shows you that it is right in front of you. You stand there and can't believe that you didn't see it. This happens all the time.

I also teach that the brains RAS (Reticular Activating System) looks at all the information and says, "Is this a danger or important?", and if no it filters it away. This shows just how little of the information you receive.

This is one of reasons that it is so important to look at your belief systems. Many of them may be blocking you from the things that you want in life. There are ways to find out and ways to remove beliefs that don't serve you.

First, look around at your life. Is it the one you want? Are there things lacking and missing? If not then the odds are that you have conflicting beliefs.
I have read many articles about people who every time they received money, something came up and they lost it again.

In looking into their childhood, they found that money meant pain, hurt, or being sinful so they got rid of it in a hurry. Once they removed the old beliefs, they were able to achieve, business, personal and financial success.

One way to start is to start journaling and ask your self. Just what do I believe? And for each answer ask, "Does this serve me?" If the answer is no, then you need to replace that belief. For some people the changes come fast. For others that have several deeply ingrained beliefs, they may need help from professionals that are trained in replacing old beliefs.

I have personally found that those with an understanding of Quantum Physics, have helped countless people change their lives. As well, there are many counselors and coaches that can help.

In any case, with help you can move forward in life and place what you desire on your RAS’s important list. Then watch the opportunities start to appear.

To see a list of people who teach Quantum Physics and Neuroscience for success go to:
Golden Falcon Recommends
and read, Teachers of Quantum Physics and Neuroscience for success.

Entrepreneurship - the Failure Myth

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honourable, but more useful, than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw

According to Global Entrepreneurial Monitor (GEM) fear of failure is the top reason given in Ireland and worldwide by aspiring entrepreneurs for not starting their own businesses.

NESTA - the National Endowment for Science, Technology and the Arts and the UK’s largest early stage investor in innovative and creative businesses – found that almost three quarters of people who said they had what they believed was a good business idea were not acting on it because they were afraid of not succeeding.

Ironically on further examination it is obvious that all would-be entrepreneurs are being paralyzed by something that doesn’t exist.
That’s right. Failure is a myth!

Entrepreneurial Development – Failure brings you Closer to Success!

Thomas Edison, inventor of the light bulb famously said “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

It took James Dyson, the engineer who reinvented the vacuum cleaner, four and a half years and 5,127 prototypes to refine his design.

“Each failure taught me so much,” he said. “Success teaches you nothing. Failures teach you everything. Making mistakes is the most important thing you can do.”

In an interview with Time Magazine, Larry Page, inventor of Google, said, “Invariably we try ten things that don’t quite work out in order to do one thing that is successful. And we learn a lot in doing the ten things that didn’t quite work.”

Thus every failure brings you a step closer to success and moves you further down the path of entrepreneurship.

Ironically by embracing this truism you mastered your first two major challenges in life – walking and talking.

Remember: As a child, ‘Never say die’, ‘Have no fear’, ‘Try and try again’, ‘Enjoy the moment’, were your working metaphors.

You fixed your eye on the goal, took your first step – wobbled a bit – steadied yourself. Then another step. Then landed on your backside!

What happens then? Did you give up? Did you say to yourself ‘I tried my best and I can’t do it. It hurts. I’m never doing that again!’? Did your ego kick in and start whispering ‘you’re making a fool of yourself. They’re all laughing at you! Better quit while you are ahead.’?

No indeed, as each one of us is born with an innate desire to reach our full potential, so you got up and tried again ultimately succeeding.

Model off your childlike strategies in the future and master the art of entrepreneurship.

About Kevin Kelly

Described as the "coach behind Ireland's Celtic Tiger," Kevin Kelly is one of Europe's and Asia’s leading authorities on motivation, entrepreneurship, leadership, communication, and personal excellence.

...more about Kevin Kelly

Copyright

© Copyright 2008, Kevin Kelly Unlimited. All rights reserved.


This Article is Copyright protected. Republishing & syndication of this article is granted only with permission and due credit, as mentioned, retained in the republished article. Permission to reprint or republish does not waive any copyright. The text, hyperlinks embedded on the article and headers should remain unaltered. This article must not be used in unsolicited mail.

Entrepreneurs go for gut

As they journey on the path of entrepreneurship, many successful businesspeople would identify their intuition or gut instincts as their compass and mentor. Without it, they wouldn’t have achieved the “unachievable.”

“Don’t let the noise of other people drown out your inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become,” advises Steve Jobs, Apple Computer CEO

So what is intuition or gut? For some it is a feeling in their stomach, for others, a compelling vision, and for more its an inner voice; all of which are promoting with conviction, a course of action.

It works best when there is no emotional connection to its finding.

Follow your Gut – Be an Entrepreneur!

Nurturing your intuition allows you to connect with intelligence far greater than what’s available through your conscious mind. Disregarding it is the equivalent of cutting off your blood supply i.e. cutting off life’s messages in the context of truly reaching your potential in life.
In 1996 with a poor academic record in English, no background in writing and told I would not succeed by two award winning journalists ( not best selling authors), I decided to honour my intuition and commit to writing a Best Selling Book. Similar to many potential entrepreneurs it felt right to follow my gut but it didn’t make much sense and I didn’t have the know how. A few years later, I had sold approximately 15,000 copies.

Recently while reflecting on my time as a marketing consultant, I realised that very few projects whose market feasibility I had to check got the green light. I always found enough reasons why the business shouldn’t start. If I had applied the same level of analysis to the feasibility of the book, I wouldn’t have pursued this avenue either.

In the context of entrepreneurship, too often people disregard their gut in favour of the “practical, left brained approach” more often than not to the detriment of their project.

I now know that there isn’t a dream in the world that you and I couldn’t conjure up enough reasons why we shouldn’t proceed with it. Knowledge always gives you enough reasons not to act which is why I advise at all times to honour your gut in the knowledge that you will always end up in a place you describe and recognize as better than your starting point.

Oftentimes people don’t choose to go for gut because quite simply it doesn’t come with a pension plan. In the context of you reaching your potential and achieving meaning and significance, pain/discomfort will be part of the package. However this is nothing compared to the pleasure you will have at living and working in your own dream business.

Enjoy the trip.

“The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honours the servant and has forgotten the gift.” Einstein


About Kevin Kelly

Described as the "coach behind Ireland's Celtic Tiger," Kevin Kelly is one of Europe's and Asia’s leading authorities on motivation, entrepreneurship, leadership, communication, and personal excellence.

...more about Kevin Kelly

Copyright

© Copyright 2007, Kevin Kelly Unlimited. All rights reserved.


This Article is Copyright protected. Republishing & syndication of this article is granted only with permission and due credit, as mentioned, retained in the republished article. Permission to reprint or republish does not waive any copyright. The text, hyperlinks embedded on the article and headers should remain unaltered. This article must not be used in unsolicited mail.

Quel Cadeau Offrir A Vos Employes

Les Soirées Entreprises:

Marre des traditionnels restaurants sur des péniches, ou dans des cabarets traditionnels pour essayer de contenter tout le monde? Pourquoi ne pas réaliser alors organiser une journée casino au sein de l'établissement.

Pour cela, rien de plus simple. L’option première consiste à faire appel à des animateurs de soirée casino qui, en plus d’apporter le matériel, vous serviront de croupier pour l’ensemble de vos jeux pour près de quatre heures de rire et de détente. L'avantage, ces jeux resserrent les équipes et permet de découvrir la face cachée de chaque employé.

Les cadeaux traditionnels:

1) Les Objets Publicitaires
On y retrouve du plus classique à la perfection du Hi-Tech tels les équipements portatifs de téléphonie, les MP3, les DvX, lecteur CD, radio-réveil, sans oublier les vêtements ou chapeaux personnalisés, ou encore les célèbres stylos plume ou plus original, un livre sur le thème professionnel de votre choix comme comment s'épanouir au travail. Eux aussi on la part belle. On en trouve pour tous les budgets et pour tous les goûts. Ces derniers sont d'excellents supports publicitaires pour afficher la marque de votre entreprise. Bien que la plus part des personnes soit déjà pourvues de ce genre d'accessoires, ces derniers restent banals.

Ce qui est sur d'atteindre votre but, ce sont tous les cadeaux de maroquinerie. En effet, sur le cuir, vous pouvez inscrire ou encrer votre logo d'entreprise discrètement et être sur que l'employé l'utilisera. Cela va du simple portefeuille en cuir au porte-documents, sans oublier le conférencier et le kit de voyage.

2) Pour Noel
Traditionnellement, l'entreprise se fixe sur des corbeille d'assortiments gastronomiques composés de foie gras en boite, avec une mini bouteille de champagne et ou de vin. N'oublions pas non plus les boites de chocolat, re-designer pour l'occasion mais gare à la date d'expiration car combien d'employés ont déjà reçu un "chocolat empoisonné" du fait de la péremption?

Alors pourquoi ne pas innover? Pourquoi ne pas offrir à vos employés des places de théâtre, autre que celles proposées par votre Comité d'Entreprise. En prix de groupe, cela vous reviendra moins cher et pourrez profitez de cette économie en proposant par exemple un dîner gourmet dans la cantine redécorée pour l'occasion.

Ou encore, pensez aux articles de cuisine, l'art de la table, la salle de bain, autant de lieux "visités" régulièrement par les consommateurs, et où il est donc judicieux de vouloir "placer" des objets publicitaires à leur marques et messages. Citons aussi les outils de jardinage, les plantes, les sets de table, les horloges etc.

Autres Idées Cadeaux:
D'autres idées cadeaux sont présentes pour vos employés. Tenez, par exemple le secteur de la bagagerie publicitaire, les t-shirts et casquettes personnalisés qui sont de très bons supports pour afficher votre marque de manière bien visible.

Pour vous rendre encore plus original, pensez vacances. Quel est l'élément qui vous sera utile pendant vos voyages? Des jumelles? Pourquoi pas? Ou alors un réfrigérateur réchauffeur? Un équipement de volants et raquettes de badminton pour les remettre en forme?

Vous voyez les idées ne manquent pas.

Listening Below the Surface of the Words

Copyright 2006 Marshall House

How well do you listen? Most people listen selectively. There is really nothing wrong with that. You can not listen to everything. In each situation, you need to determine how, what, how much, and where to listen. You can listen and learn anyplace. Life takes place in little vignettes.

At the Cleaners

My dry cleaners is remodeling, producing strain on limited parking. The other day, several of us were frustrated when we finally arrived at the counter.

One woman said, "Are you going to have more parking when all this construction is complete?" The wise counter person deferred to the owner standing nearby. The owner responded to the words of the question rather than taking into consideration the frustration in her voice and energy field.

His well-rehearsed dissertation gave us plenty of facts: one parking space is lost to the construction, persons pose as customers to try to fool the parking attendant, a plan of parking validation, etc. But the Right-Now-in-the-Moment situation with real-live human beings with emotions and needs was essentially ignored.

Had he listened to the information beneath the surface of the words of his customer's question, he would have presented us with fewer facts and perhaps said something like, "We have several plans for improving the parking -- it's quite frustrating right now, isn't it?" A compassionate statement such as this would have diffused the frustration, let her know that he heard the words of the question and more, and invited her to take the conversation in any direction she wanted, if at all.

On the Airplane

On a flight to Vancouver, I appreciated viewing one flight attendant engaging with the passengers. Here is one incident. The attendant spilled hot water near a passenger. He quickly grabbed napkins to mop up the mess, none of which ever touched the passenger. When nearly done, the flight attendant looked at her with a friendly smile and said, "gosh, that was pretty scary, wasn't it?" He didn't gush with apologies or over-react to the situation or blame the bumpy flight. Messes happen.

This flight attendant seemed more interested in his passenger than in how he might be perceived -- what a concept! He is trained to put the comfort and safety of the passengers ahead of his own. And he demonstrated this well.

Anyplace in Life

I often observe how people listen -- or do not listen -- to each other. Listening is an underrated and underdeveloped skill, yet the most important skill in healthy interactions. In a society that emphasizes outward actions, people sometimes forget the value of the inner process.

The words you say are not nearly as important as the consciousness from which you speak. Compassion is a consciousness which is received more deeply than the accompanying words. Phrases are easier to teach than compassion; however, it is the compassion that is most important to learn to embody. When you do, the words follow naturally and are appropriate.

The Hideous Poison of Anger

When asked what gets in the way of communication most often, anger comes up. Moreover, the anger is often related to a perception of a situation that may not even be accurate. That is why anger can be a poison that sucks you in.

Judgment and ridicule can set in. Your breathing starts to change and becomes shallow and significantly faster. This pattern lowers the oxygen level in the brain, which increases the irritability, impulsivity and leads to confusion and behaviours such as threatening, yelling or hitting.

Your brain then starts searching for other reasons to be angry to justify how it feels.
By looking for reasons that can make other people bad or wrong, the mind believes it offsets or even justifies its own actions, thinking and beliefs.

It then sets up vibrations of energy that attracts more of the same and other people of the same nature. Your brain can then literately filter out anything contrary to the raging thoughts that it now feels.

All communication has stopped at this point. The other person is now defensive and on guard against the onslaught of verbal and possibly physical attacks from the other person. They no longer see this person as rational. They give no credibility to anything the other person is saying. In most instances, they are in protection mode and not even paying attention to anything the angry person is saying.

If they get angry them self, it increases the rage and adds more fuel to the fire. They now look for past behaviours that can explain the actions of the angry person. If they remember any previous angry behaviour, it is easy to conclude that the other person always gets angry.

It is important for both parties to take a time out and reflect on what the original issue was and what they wanted to relay. Try to look at, just what are the important issues and what isn’t important. Having give and take in the communication can go far is resolving issues. They could also reflect on how and why the anger built up. What about this issue brought up the anger. How does this relate to any past issue. What are the feelings that I have around this.

In most cases, anger is a secondary emotion. It can mask fear, whether it is a fear of loss or needing control of a situation. Being clear on why you reacted and can go along way in resolving the intense feelings and help you to focus on the issue at hand. Then the communication can proceed towards understanding and resolution.

Emotion, No Longer a Dirty Word

When I tell some people that we perceive and communicate emotionally and then give logical reasons for it, they are quick to deny it. However, salespeople know this to be true. They learn that people buy for emotional reasons and then rationalize the purchase. Showing someone why he or she needs the item or service will not get you as far as showing him or her why he or she wants it.

The same semantics’ happen with perceptions and communication. When we look at the physiology of perceptions, we learn that our clearest memories are ones that have an emotional context to it. The reason is: anything that is highly emotional will come through the amygdala in our brain, whether it is from fear or love, anxiety or excitement.
Other sensory information will come directly from the brain stem to the hippocampus and a more select version will come from the cortex.

So whether it was a happy memory, i.e. weddings, special vacation, birth of a child or a sad memory: death, injury, 9/11, or an assassination of a major figure, we hold clear details of what we were doing at the time.

Many people fight hearing this because "emotional" was considered a dirty word for a long time. This group still relates to the old meaning. To them it is about being out of control, or even weak and unstable.

Most people are coming around and seeing it in a new light and as a word that can help them. Those who follow Meta or Quantum physics understand the importance of this word. How it is part of the secret, which many successful people used to acquire what they want in life.

We are taught that clear thought and communication with ourselves, combined with feeling or strong emotional desire, is the path to achieving our dreams and desires. That everything starts with a thought and then the feeling or the emotion brings it into fruition.

It is the half of the equation that many people are missing due to their dislike of the word. But what if you looked at emotion in a new light? What if you saw it as your strength? And what if you saw it as a tool for all you wish to achieve? Imagine the possibilities.

Five Thoughts About Effective Communication

Communicating effectively can sometimes be difficult to do. So here are some thoughts, based on borrowed wisdom, on how to communicate clearly – and make a better connection with the other person too.

“To get your ideas across use small words, big ideas, and short sentences.” ~ John Henry Patterson
Keep it simple and don’t use jargon. Adjust your style according to who you are communicating with. Take responsibility by checking frequently that the other person understands the message you are trying to convey – don’t assume that your message is always clear.

“People who talk only of themselves think only of themselves.” ~ Dale Carnegie
Find out about the other person. Focus on the other person – their needs, their wants, their situation. Build rapport instead of barriers. Show respect for them and for their views.

“One of the most valuable things we can do to heal one another is listen to each other's stories.” ~ Rebecca Falls

Giving someone space in which to talk and allowing them to follow through their ideas without fear of interruption is a most valuable gift. Listen. And switch off your mobile phone!

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” ~ Stephen Covey

Be in the moment and give the speaker your full attention. Say “what else do you need to tell me about this?” Summarise key points that show you have been listening actively and ask questions that will help clarify your understanding of the issue.

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." ~ Mother Teresa
Be nice! Acknowledge someone’s efforts and achievements, praise them, pay them a sincere compliment.

Connecting the Past and the Present: Healing Abandonment and Abuse through Awareness

Many people I work with in therapy or in my writing-as-healing classes discover stories that surprise them—stories about the mistakes they felt their parents made, power imbalances in the family, or stories about physical or sexual abuse. The darker stories are often a surprise: when writers sat down to write, those issues were not directly on their minds, but deep, revealing stories erupted from the pen. Though they were unexpected, for some they were a relief. People who have been in therapy have had the same kind of experience—the subject matter in the forefront of the mind is not the material that “accidentally” arises during the session. The therapy session begins with a particular subject in the present—for example dissatisfaction at work or trouble in a relationship, but often travels back in time with associations to parents, school, or past relationships.

It has become a cliché to talk about “dysfunctional” relationships and families, but most people do not have perfect families, and many have had to struggle with a range of problems—alcoholism, abuse—physical, sexual, or emotional, eating disorders, and depression, to name a few. No one likes to be reminded of the past but when it keeps coming up, we are pushed to learn new responses as we search for more peace and positivity in our lives.

The past is not dead—it’s not even past. -William Faulkner

Different kinds of abandonment

For people who have been abandoned, either literally by actual physical absence, or emotionally—a parent can be in the home and not there for us—the abandoned child syndrome may remain years later, showing up through insecurities and fears, clinging behaviors or its opposite—walls to intimacy. The abandoned child inside the adult can create havoc such as alcohol abuse, repeating their own abandonment by abandoning children, or refusal to have children out of fear of repetition. Depression, lack of energy and creativity, anger, and trying to fill up the emptiness may be manifestations of these issues.

When the abandoned child is feeling its pain and loss, the rest of the adult person is unable to find emotional balance. New skills are needed to help sort out the confusion, and to create new, healthier patterns. Part of the healing may include grieving and anger, as those repressed feelings are released. But it is equally important to look at strengths: how well you are doing and what you want to contribute to the world as well as the positive side of parents and caretakers. Most people do the best they can.

Healing is a process of peeling the onion, so to speak. Revealing one layer after another, with time for rest and integration, leads to inner peace, resolution, and forgiveness.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Write about parallels between the past and the present. Become more aware of old patterns finding their way into your current life.

2. List all the ways you feel you were abandoned. Don’t worry if the list doesn’t make logical sense or is too long or short. Just write what you feel and remember.

3. Look at photographs of you and your family from those time periods as a way to help you remember details. Becoming more aware of the past can help you sort issues in the present.

4. Write an “unsent letter”—do not send it!—to your mother, telling her all the ways you appreciated her.
5. Now write an “unsent letter” listing the ways she let you down. DO NOT send unsent letters in the exercise—these are just ways for you to help yourself to heal.

Do the same for your father.

1. Write about your intentions for today, this week—what do you want to change? What are you goals in your life now?

2. What are you doing well now, and how is it different and better than what you or your family might have done in the past?

3. What are your strengths? Name 10 things your friends would say are your best traits.

4. Write about how you are your best friend. How you take care of yourself and like yourself.

Body Language in Communication: What Do Your Gestures Say?

While speaking at a large International conference recently, I was asked by lots of people why I made certain gestures while I was presenting. People get very intrigued about this kind of thing, especially when talking about body language and non-verbal communication as I was So I write today about body language in communication in relation to gestures in particular.

One set of people who really know about body language in communication are dancers. Recently, I had the opportunity of working with a well known dancer, who was demonstrating some secrets of what made certain dancers so good. She was talking to me about the importance of certain gestures made by dancers when they are dancing.

She also explained to me that in differing cultures, the gestures women make when dancing are extremely specific, and often depict story's all their own and emphasises the nature of that particular dance. As a younger man, I spent a lot of time in the stunning Spanish city of Granada and attended lots of traditional Flamenco dance and gypsy music events and lots of the images, colours and exciting feelings of those days began to resonate through my mind again when having this explained to me.

In recent months, someone asked me to consider writing a book with them about teaching methods and when subsequently researching child development and their body language in communication, I stumbled across some information that stated that young children develop certain arm and hand gestures shortly before they start to speak.

In fact, I read that both gestures and vocal sounds can be considered as part of a person's symbol-making ability. By "symbol-making ability" I am referring to the spoken word, writing, numbers and pictures; the ways in which we communicate. It is this ability which defines many of us and differentiates humans from the array of other mammals on this planet. However, when we communicate with people, we generally tend to be taught to pay attention to the spoken symbols, in the form of words that people say and tend to ignore body language in communication.

So here today are some steps to follow to heighten your awareness of body language in communication with particular reference to gestures and maybe you can utilise them more yourself.

Step One: Firstly, each time you are having a chat with someone, observe the gestures they make. There will often be patterns and repeated ways of utilising gestures. Notice how certain gestures accompany certain words and phrases. Think about what they are doing with this gesture too.

When you listen to someone, their hands will complement or emphasise what they are saying to you or what they are attempting to communicate. You can watch them paint pictures in the air, and interact with their imaginary world as they speak. Anyone that has ever seen me speak will notice that I have very active hands while speaking, if you listen to the podcasts or my audio programmes, you can even tell that I am using my hands while speaking even though you cannot see me!

The thing I find fascinating is that most people are blissfully unaware of their own gestures, unaware of their own body language in communication, let alone anyone else’s. These gestures are deep communications that emerge directly from our unconscious mind. So if you decide to start acknowledging gestures, you are communicating with someone’s unconscious mind and processes, wonderful stuff eh?

Here are three main ways to interact with a person’s gestures:

Step two: Secondly then, once you notice a person’s gestures, feed some of them back to the person. When you refer to something they have said, use their gesture as well. This is known as mirroring or matching, remember from a previous edition of Adam Up I talked about this, do your best not to make it too obvious and not to mimic the person.

Developing rapport with someone has often been described as getting the attention of and communicating with someone’s unconscious mind. When you mirror their gestures back to them, a person’s unconscious mind knows that you have noticed it. As I said, I recommend that you don’t mirror the gesture in full. Let me give you an example, if a person moves their hand in circles as they describe going round and round, you could move your index finger in circles to subtly mirror it.

The second approach to utilising gestures I call referring. So, for example, if someone said “I know there’s the right person out there for me somewhere” and held their hand pointing out in the direction ahead of them as they said it, you can subtly point to the same direction where their hand was guided each time that you refer to it: For example “So this person, you don’t know who they are yet you are looking forward to meeting.” As you refer to them, you match their gesture and point the same way. Just as mirroring did, this sends a covert message to the person that you understand what is going on with them and often that you understand better than that person’s conscious mind does!

Step Three: Investigate how to refer to people’s gestures by doing it more and more.

If someone says “I’d like to do a certain thing, but something else keeps stopping me” while they then hold one of their hands out in front of them, you could highlight the hand and ask them “What is that?” Sometimes people will just frown, or look at you strangely and say “What do you mean?” , but other times, it brings up wonder and amazement– things come into the person’s awareness that they didn’t previously have conscious knowledge of. It can really have a magical effect.

The third way you can use this is with full engagement. I once had a client who said “I’d like to be a great public speaker, but something’s stopping me.” As he said this, he held his hands out about a foot in front of his chest and made an actual pushing motion, as if trying to move a heavy object. I asked “What happens when you just knock that out of the way” and I then pushed his hands to the side.

His face went bright red and he began laughing raucously out loud! He said “Well that makes it easy” and he stepped forward into a relaxed and confident pose before starting to talk about how excited he was about doing it. This is amazing stuff. Full engagement with people's gestures is not appropriate for all situations and there are many workplace situations where any sort of physical contact is deemed inappropriate. Having said that, if you are in a situation where you consider it appropriate to do so, and you have a relationship with good rapport with the person where it is fine to do that, then go for it.

Body language in communication: In Business

This is not just interpersonal communication that I am referring to with this working with gestures. In the business and professional environment people use lots of gestures too, so you can mirror those gestures subtly to get rapport. In addition, people will use gestures when describing a specific problem. I was once demonstrating their power to some people on a seminar I was running. Upon meeting one of the attendees a couple of months later, she told me this story:

She said that there was a chap at work who often came to her for help in solving technical problems as she was a bit of a technical whizz. She said that it typically took 20-30 minutes to help the person find the solution to the problem, and subsequently consumed a lot of her time. After learning about gestures, she paid attention the next time the chap brought up a problem which went something like this “I’m trying to do x but I have this problem and can’t see beyond it.”

The lady from my seminar noticed that when the chap said the word “problem”, he held his hand up in a clenched way. Our quick-thinking heroine mirrored the gesture, then said “What happens when you just forget about that [moving his clenched hand as if throwing away a piece of rubbish] and focus on what you want.” The chap with the problem stopped absolutely still for about 30 seconds then said “Oh! I know the answer to that one!” and left the stunned lady in peace, saving her 20-30 minutes of her day.

Pay attention to the gestures of others, their body language in communication and use them back to those using them, become aware of what purpose they are serving and show that you understand and empathise with them.

Addiction to Talking

There is an old joke about people who talk a lot: “Do you know the 12-Step program for people who talk a lot? On and On Anon!”

The joke recognizes that fact that incessant talking is a common addiction.

Non-stop talking is about using others for attention and approval because of not giving oneself enough attention and approval. The talker is not actually offering anything to the listener. Instead, the talker, in going on and on with a monologue, is pulling energy from the listener. People who end up listening to a talker go on and on are often caretakers who are afraid to hurt the talker by disengaging or by telling the truth about their boredom.

Talkers are often needy people who attempt to assuage their emptiness by trapping people into listening to them. For example, I’ve seen people telling a bank teller their life story, while the trapped teller doesn’t know how to disengage without being impolite. The problem is that one of the reasons these people are without friends is that no one wants to be with them. It’s draining to be at the other end of a needy person who uses talking as a way to fill up.

If you are addicted to talking, perhaps you believe that you are being interesting when you go on and on about yourself. However, you might reconsider the truth of this belief if you find that many people avoid you. Most people will not tell you the truth – that they feel tired, drained and trapped in your presence, and bored by your talking. Not wanting to offend you, they just stay away rather speak their truth. They don’t answer the phone when they know it’s you, and they find any excuse to not spend time with you. It’s not that they don’t like you – it’s that they don’t want to be used by you to fill up your emptiness.

HEALING YOUR ADDICTION TO TALKING

Imagine that you have a child within you – your feeling self - who feels very alone. This child feels alone because you are not paying attention to him or her. Every time you trap someone into listening to you, it is as if you are handing this inner child away for adoption. You want someone else to attend to and approve of this child instead of you accepting this responsibility.

The very fact of doing this is an inner abandonment and is creating the aloneness that is at the heart of all addictions. By expecting others to listen to you when you don’t listen to yourself, you are giving the child within a message that he or she is not important to you. When you do not take the time to attend to your own feelings and needs, you are creating inner neediness and emptiness. This inner emptiness is like a vacuum that attempts to suck caring from others. Yet no matter how often others do listen to you, it never really fills you. This is because only you can give your own inner child what he or she needs.

If you were to take some time each day to have a dialogue, either out loud or in writing, with the part of you who so needs to be heard, you would discover that you can fill your own emptiness. In addition, if you practice imagining a loving spiritual presence holding you, loving you, listening to you and guiding you, you will no longer feel alone.

As long as you believe that it is someone else’s job to fill you, you will not take the time to learn how to fill yourself. As long as you believe that it is okay to trap others and use them to fill yourself, you will continue your talking addiction. Only when you get that it is not loving to yourself or others to expect them to take care of your own inner child – your own feelings and needs - will you start to take on that responsibility.

While you might not believe that you can fill yourself better than others can, you will not know until you try. My personal experience is that when my intention is to take loving care of myself and to fill myself with the Love that is God, I feel happy and peaceful. When you choose to take responsibility for meeting your own needs instead of abandoning yourself to others, you will never feel alone.

Abandoned Again—How We Repeat Our Childhood in the Present

The woman on the couch looks up at me miserably, tears in her eyes, as she tells me about her most recent bad relationship. “I’m sick of choosing guys who aren’t there for me. They seem great, they want me, they tell me how terrific I am, then either they have an affair, or turn on me once we are involved, getting that cold look in their eyes. I can see they don’t care after all. I can’t stand this. Why do I do this over and over?”

In my work as a therapist, I help people discover repeated patterns. Despite our conscious desire and urgent efforts to make our lives better, we end up feeling the same as we did as children, but the feeling of despair and depression can deepen if we see that we are simply repeating our abusive or abandoned childhood.

This may seem confusing to understand, but this is how it works: Rooted deep in the unconscious is a desire to make the story turn out right—to find someone who will finally come through and love us the way we want. But the pattern of repetition, until it is resolved, will cause us to choose people who will do exactly what was done to us as children. If you were abandoned, they will abandon you. If you were hurt physically, this may be what you experience all over again.

For instance, most women involved in relationships where there is domestic violence either were beaten as children, or observed it for many years. If you were verbally abused, you will find yourself hearing the same phrases and feeling exactly the same as you did when you were a child. There you are, thinking you have just found the love of your life, when a terrible feeling comes over you—“I have been here before,” says the voice inside your head, a feeling of dread running through your body. It’s not déjà vu; it is an unconscious repetition of the past.

There is good news about all this: You can change these old patterns. It takes time, awareness, determination, and work on your part, but it can be done.

How to help stop repeating abandonment and abuse in your life now:

1. First, you have to recognize you are repeating your past patterns. Become aware of a familiar, sinking feeling, or the feeling that you are a bad person, or not good enough, or feel awful about yourself. Ask yourself: is there something going on now that reinforces that feeling?

2. Consider your past patterns with parents. It helps to write down these patterns, as you can be objective about them if you see them on the page.

3. Write about being a child of about five years old; nine years old; 12. What was life like in your household? Who was there connecting with you, and how?

4. After making that objective list of patterns in family and in the past, write down any parallels between then and now, paying particular attention to feelings. Sometimes the action is different but the feeling is the same.

5. When you are drawn to a new person, get to know him better before getting involved. Spend time to find out how he treats you when he is having a bad day, or how he acts when you say no. How you are treated at the beginning of a relationship when you are not being pleasing or saying yes, when you make boundaries for yourself, is only a hint of how it will be later on.

6. Keep your need to be loved and accepted in balance with who the other person is and his or her needs. Take your time to find out more before getting too involved.

7. Write in your journal to become more aware of patterns, concerns, and actual events. You can refer back to them later. This documentation may clear up any future confusion about reality.

3 Reasons to Stop Being a People Pleaser

I was mostly nice, except for times when I exploded emotion in an attempt to deal with conflict. I did not speak my mind even though I knew what I thought. What I didn't know so well was what I felt, what my needs were and how to express them.

Copyright 2006 Sharron Phillips

It took me years to acknowledge that I was a People Pleaser.  I am shifting away from that pattern of behavior and find great relief and satisfaction in the change.  Here I am, an independent, successful woman with a mind of my own.  How could I be a People Pleaser?  Another term to describe this pattern is compliance, and that says more to me regarding my actions.  I would consistently avoid conflict, ignore what I didn't agree with,and do lots of good deeds which would boost my worth.  I was mostly nice, except for times of exploded emotion in an attempt to deal with conflict.  I did not speak my mind even though I knew what I thought.  What I didn't know so well was what I felt, what my needs were and how to express them.

The moment I discovered I was a People Pleaser was on my birthday last year.  A close friend and my husband helped me to celebrate the day.  After a leisurely brunch, I said to them, 'What would you like to do today?'  They replied that this would be my day to make all the decisions and therefore create the perfect day for myself.  It seemed so foreign to me to direct the day according to what I wanted!  I was honestly exhausted by dinner time and asked for their help to make decisions!

Here are 3 reasons to stop being a People Pleaser.

1.  You may discover how to negotiate conflict in a constructive, beneficial exchange.  How many times is there a sense of conflict, and you have been unable to even address the conflict, let alone engage in the negotiating by expressing your feelings and needs, or move toward resolution.  Life is change, conflict, and compromise.  One of the gifts of following the path of resolving conflict is that we learn to honor ourselves in giving and receiving compassion as we learn what our needs are, what other's needs are and how we can compassionately work together to meet all the needs of each particular situation.  There are some basics before any of this can take place.  Practice speaking your mind.  Find a partner, group or therapist to help you with scenarios as you discover the way you can explain your needs.  Find out what your needs are.  Discover how to express what you feel and before that, practice saying what you feel by either self talk, journalling or find a friend to help.  You will learn to speak your mind in a way that can be understood and appreciated and that will go a long way to being more comfortable with inevitable conflict that teaches us so much.

2.  You may discover that your worth does not depend on how many good deeds you do for others at your own expense and personal development.  Giving from the heart is an enormous gift to the giver.  Giving because of a sense of duty, obligation, or way to a beautiful afterlife is less of a gift to the giver.  It is easy to measure the different feel of doing something for someone because of duty or doing something for someone out of love.  Connecting to your heart energy is enriching, because the result is a deep relationship with what you most value. This may be helpful to see what, how and why your giving will be translated in your contributions to the outside world.

3.  You may discover how to say 'NO' and not feel guilty or feel the need to offer an extensive explanation around your answer.  A story that illustrated and gave me permission to practice saying 'NO' is about a school staff member who telephoned a Mom to ask her to make cupcakes for a school event the following day.  There are people who will consistently and 'happily' take care of requests.  The Mom in this instance decided to say 'NO'.  The world did not fall apart, and the person who had asked the favor, went on to the next name on her list and did find someone to do the task.  I'm not saying that 'NO' is the obvious and only reply.  There is a difference to always saying 'YES', and to making a decision whether to say 'YES' or 'NO'.  Another way to look at this is to know by saying 'YES', what are you saying 'NO' to?  So take the example of the cupcakes.  By saying 'YES', there may have been less time for attending a child's soccer game, reading a bedtime story, or relax time with a spouse after a hectic day.  Knowing that you have the option of saying 'NO' is very freeing and healthy.

There are plenty of resources available about People Pleasers.  You may be glad you explored this pattern in yourself.