Connecting the Past and the Present: Healing Abandonment and Abuse through Awareness

Many people I work with in therapy or in my writing-as-healing classes discover stories that surprise them—stories about the mistakes they felt their parents made, power imbalances in the family, or stories about physical or sexual abuse. The darker stories are often a surprise: when writers sat down to write, those issues were not directly on their minds, but deep, revealing stories erupted from the pen. Though they were unexpected, for some they were a relief. People who have been in therapy have had the same kind of experience—the subject matter in the forefront of the mind is not the material that “accidentally” arises during the session. The therapy session begins with a particular subject in the present—for example dissatisfaction at work or trouble in a relationship, but often travels back in time with associations to parents, school, or past relationships.

It has become a cliché to talk about “dysfunctional” relationships and families, but most people do not have perfect families, and many have had to struggle with a range of problems—alcoholism, abuse—physical, sexual, or emotional, eating disorders, and depression, to name a few. No one likes to be reminded of the past but when it keeps coming up, we are pushed to learn new responses as we search for more peace and positivity in our lives.

The past is not dead—it’s not even past. -William Faulkner

Different kinds of abandonment

For people who have been abandoned, either literally by actual physical absence, or emotionally—a parent can be in the home and not there for us—the abandoned child syndrome may remain years later, showing up through insecurities and fears, clinging behaviors or its opposite—walls to intimacy. The abandoned child inside the adult can create havoc such as alcohol abuse, repeating their own abandonment by abandoning children, or refusal to have children out of fear of repetition. Depression, lack of energy and creativity, anger, and trying to fill up the emptiness may be manifestations of these issues.

When the abandoned child is feeling its pain and loss, the rest of the adult person is unable to find emotional balance. New skills are needed to help sort out the confusion, and to create new, healthier patterns. Part of the healing may include grieving and anger, as those repressed feelings are released. But it is equally important to look at strengths: how well you are doing and what you want to contribute to the world as well as the positive side of parents and caretakers. Most people do the best they can.

Healing is a process of peeling the onion, so to speak. Revealing one layer after another, with time for rest and integration, leads to inner peace, resolution, and forgiveness.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Write about parallels between the past and the present. Become more aware of old patterns finding their way into your current life.

2. List all the ways you feel you were abandoned. Don’t worry if the list doesn’t make logical sense or is too long or short. Just write what you feel and remember.

3. Look at photographs of you and your family from those time periods as a way to help you remember details. Becoming more aware of the past can help you sort issues in the present.

4. Write an “unsent letter”—do not send it!—to your mother, telling her all the ways you appreciated her.
5. Now write an “unsent letter” listing the ways she let you down. DO NOT send unsent letters in the exercise—these are just ways for you to help yourself to heal.

Do the same for your father.

1. Write about your intentions for today, this week—what do you want to change? What are you goals in your life now?

2. What are you doing well now, and how is it different and better than what you or your family might have done in the past?

3. What are your strengths? Name 10 things your friends would say are your best traits.

4. Write about how you are your best friend. How you take care of yourself and like yourself.

Abandoned Again—How We Repeat Our Childhood in the Present

The woman on the couch looks up at me miserably, tears in her eyes, as she tells me about her most recent bad relationship. “I’m sick of choosing guys who aren’t there for me. They seem great, they want me, they tell me how terrific I am, then either they have an affair, or turn on me once we are involved, getting that cold look in their eyes. I can see they don’t care after all. I can’t stand this. Why do I do this over and over?”

In my work as a therapist, I help people discover repeated patterns. Despite our conscious desire and urgent efforts to make our lives better, we end up feeling the same as we did as children, but the feeling of despair and depression can deepen if we see that we are simply repeating our abusive or abandoned childhood.

This may seem confusing to understand, but this is how it works: Rooted deep in the unconscious is a desire to make the story turn out right—to find someone who will finally come through and love us the way we want. But the pattern of repetition, until it is resolved, will cause us to choose people who will do exactly what was done to us as children. If you were abandoned, they will abandon you. If you were hurt physically, this may be what you experience all over again.

For instance, most women involved in relationships where there is domestic violence either were beaten as children, or observed it for many years. If you were verbally abused, you will find yourself hearing the same phrases and feeling exactly the same as you did when you were a child. There you are, thinking you have just found the love of your life, when a terrible feeling comes over you—“I have been here before,” says the voice inside your head, a feeling of dread running through your body. It’s not déjà vu; it is an unconscious repetition of the past.

There is good news about all this: You can change these old patterns. It takes time, awareness, determination, and work on your part, but it can be done.

How to help stop repeating abandonment and abuse in your life now:

1. First, you have to recognize you are repeating your past patterns. Become aware of a familiar, sinking feeling, or the feeling that you are a bad person, or not good enough, or feel awful about yourself. Ask yourself: is there something going on now that reinforces that feeling?

2. Consider your past patterns with parents. It helps to write down these patterns, as you can be objective about them if you see them on the page.

3. Write about being a child of about five years old; nine years old; 12. What was life like in your household? Who was there connecting with you, and how?

4. After making that objective list of patterns in family and in the past, write down any parallels between then and now, paying particular attention to feelings. Sometimes the action is different but the feeling is the same.

5. When you are drawn to a new person, get to know him better before getting involved. Spend time to find out how he treats you when he is having a bad day, or how he acts when you say no. How you are treated at the beginning of a relationship when you are not being pleasing or saying yes, when you make boundaries for yourself, is only a hint of how it will be later on.

6. Keep your need to be loved and accepted in balance with who the other person is and his or her needs. Take your time to find out more before getting too involved.

7. Write in your journal to become more aware of patterns, concerns, and actual events. You can refer back to them later. This documentation may clear up any future confusion about reality.