Why Men Leave (The Fantasy Relationship)

Copyright 2006 Brenda Shoshanna

"What's life without a girl friend?" asks Jimmy, a tall, forty-five year old Sicilian man, an irresistible charmer. "I never say good-bye to one without a few more waiting in the wings," he says. "It keeps me going. Is that so bad?" Then he flashes his boyish grin.

Although he never stays long, Jimmy has strong opinions on male female relationships. "There's a conflict of roles, with no roles clearly defined. "Women want monogamous relationships. Men don't want to get trapped. Men get guilty about leaving though. Believe it or not, it's hard to leave. We men do get guilty. Whatever we do we end up feeling like rats.”

Underneath all this are his feelings of dependency. Jimmy believes a man is nothing compared to a woman."A man really wants a woman to run the show," he says easily. "A guy doesn't know what's going on. But he also wants the woman to let him think he's running it. If women could only understand that -boy. It's a subtle thing.

Commenting on this issue, Dr. Robert Berk, says, "There are a lot of men who can't tolerate their own dependency on women because they experience it as emasculating. They therefore withdraw. Some downgrade the woman to make her appear a lot less valuable than she really is to them." Jimmy compensates by having as many women around as he can. This way he won't be the one to be left - an unbearable ego blow.

"A man likes a strong woman," Jimmy continued, "but she should be strong in subtle ways. In order to have a really terrific woman that he wouldn't want to leave, a man has to be confident that his love was strong enough for her so she wouldn't go somewhere else. Good women are too much for most men."

When Jimmy finally found the woman of his dreams, he saw her twice, and after that, wouldn't ever see her again. "The magic was really something. I held her close, we laughed a lot, she was terrific. Neither of us could part. It was perfect. At the end of the night we didn't take each other's numbers. We just had our night and said good-bye. We both said to each other we hoped we never saw each other again. You see, we created this incredible illusion for two nights, but could we do it again?

After what happened that night, well, it can't get better than that? I'm gonna live off that memory the rest of my life." For Jimmy, and many men like him, being truly happy, and affirmed in love can only happen in the world of illusion.

He was determined to hold onto this woman and the two nights they spent together exactly as they had been. He needed it badly. At all costs he didn't want the fantasy to be destroyed, or to see aspects of himself or her that didn't fit in.

When a man is seeking illusion, fantasy, and escape from painful conflict or feelings of low self-esteem, a brief, magical experience, in which no one is tested, becomes a substitute for real love. A fantasy love cannot be threatened or damaged. It also cannot be taken away. Of course, the contradiction inherent in this situation is that holding onto this fantasy keeps the possibility of ongoing, sustaining love away.

Cc/Brenda Shoshanna/2006

Facing adversity

Is there any person on this earth who has not faced adversity? Life can be good, but adversities are also part of life. How does one face them with equanimity? It is difficult if the extent of adversity is very high. But one has to live through adversities and come back in life to succeed again. A sudden accident can make one lose limbs. A man who makes his living with his hands, will surely feel very bad and devastated if he loses his working hand. How about the effect of the announcement by the doctor that your child has cancer? Can parents take this news calmly? They will most probably faint when they hear it first. Some adversities are such that they shatter lives forever. But strong will and faith can help one face and conquer many adversities. Who has not heard of Helen Keller? Her blindness and deafness could not shatter her indomitable spirit. There are many instances of such people. I had corresponded with families of cancer stricken children. The pain that I saw was enough to shake the bravest heart. I remember a small kid girl, who developed second degree burns as a reaction to her Chemotherapy. Her mother had a guest book and the notes on that site could make anyone weep. The pain that the child was undergoing was tremendous. But the photographs of a capped child smiling and laughing in the laps of her father were heart warming. Somewhere the spirit was alive in the family to fight it out cheerfully. I also remember my conversations with a blind man of 70 years of age. He was secretary of one of the blind help groups. For sometime, during my talk, I realized that something strange was happening. Then suddenly it stuck me that this gentleman was using words such as Oh, I see, etc. without giving a pause. I was amazed with this talk. I knew that he had been a blind man for more than 40 years. I somehow gathered strength and asked him about usage of such words. He told me casually that there was nothing great about that. He could read and write and even type as well as any normal person. Though he had Braille. And he could see the faces with his touch. He had no regrets about his blindness. He had taken it as a fact of life and there was no feeling of having been dealt bad cards by the fate. Such people make us feel that adversities come to strengthen us. They test us. It is surely very tough to overcome them, but a strong will and faith in oneself and one's God can give enough strength to overcome them. Let us look at the life as a moving vehicle. As we move, we pass many scenes. Some good and some dirty. But we sit though the journey peacefully and reach our destination. We mostly remain unmoved because - we are not directly pained by the scenes outside and our focus is more on reaching the destination. In any adversity, at least the second part can be applied. Come what may, our object should be to create a good life and live as an example for others. That should be our destination and that should be our motivation.