Take the time to become familiar with the different “self help” and “self improvement” techniques that are available. Using the right techniques can make the difference between “breaking through” and not. Consider a source of self help and self improvement practices that gives a wide enough choice to find what’s right for you. Here are some of the benefits you can enjoy with the right techniques.
Discover your life purpose! Why are you here on this earth? Is there a specific purpose for your life? What about all the other people? Do you think life events are due to accident and chance?
Find out who you really are and what you really want! Are you actually leading the life that is the true you? Or are your circumstances living unconsciously thru you?
Eliminate and manage your fears! If you could stand back and view yourself on the “stage of your life” could you see where your fears come from and act in a different manner?
Manage unseen forces in your relationships. Many people repeat the same issues in a series of relationships. Has this happened to you? Use the right technique to learn what is really going and get past it!
Understand and cope with confusing and changing times! Have certain puzzling events unfolded in your life? Would you like to know if there is a reason for their appearance?
Learn to make decisions and not worry about mistakes! Enhance your instincts and intuition so you can better rely on your (developed) judgement.
Develop confidence in yourself, based on better knowing who you truly are.
Design your own roadmap to success! Base your plans on a “higher “ level of knowledge.
Learn the Three Step Formula to deliberate attraction..
Learn to repair negative experiences and emotions that are holding you back.
Learn why you may be repeatedly attracting negative events, people, and circumstances.
Learn why most people are “programmed” for unhappiness and what to do about it!
Learn what keeps us stuck in the same “life patterns” when we think we’re changing!
Are you actually responsible for everything that happens to you or are their actual “external events”?
Learn to release limiting beliefs and emotions known as “blocks”!
If you desire to experience any of these benefits in your life, find the self help tools and techniques that will help you to do so! For a helpful FREE REPORT, see below.
Minggu, 14 Maret 2010
Sabtu, 13 Maret 2010
Adult ADD And The Art Of Grocery Shopping
One of my greatest struggle with sticking to a budget, is that I always overspend what I budget on food. Here are some of my tips to help an Adult with ADD when going Grocery Shopping:
1. Write a menu of what you want to eat for the week. Make sure to include breakfast, lunch, and snacks. There are software products available to help adults with ADD who are more visual thinkers.
2. Based on the menu create a list of what you will need to prepare the items on your menu.
3. Look in your cabinets and refrigerator, for items that are on your list, remove those items from your list. If you go the supermarkets to buy cleaning products or toiletries, you will need to check your bathroom, closets, and if you are like me anywhere else in the house where you put these items. Add items that you are running low on, on to the list.
4. Can you afford the items that are on your list? This will be difficult to determine if this is the first time that you have set a limit for yourself, or if grocery shopping is new to you. Once you have shopped a couple of times with a set limit, you will understand whether your food budget is realistic, or if you will have to make changes to your limit or what you buy. A lot of adults with ADD like to use online services that will deliver the groceries to you. This can be helpful for several reasons; it will total up all you purchases before you make them, it reduce the time of a mundane task, and it helps to control impulse buying.
5. If you are planning to go out shopping, make sure you eat a proper meal before hand. This helps you keep a clear head and reduce impulse buying, by not buying things that you are craving because you are hungry.
6. Have you checked circulars, newspapers or the Internet for coupons for the products that are on your list? This can be dangerous because you might also be tempted to buy additional items that you do not really need.
7. Before you head out decide if you want to go to one store or more than one store. While you can save money by going to additional stores, I would not recommend it. First the additional money and time that you spend traveling could negate any savings that you get. Second it adds a lot of complexity to a task that should be done as simply as possible.
1. Write a menu of what you want to eat for the week. Make sure to include breakfast, lunch, and snacks. There are software products available to help adults with ADD who are more visual thinkers.
2. Based on the menu create a list of what you will need to prepare the items on your menu.
3. Look in your cabinets and refrigerator, for items that are on your list, remove those items from your list. If you go the supermarkets to buy cleaning products or toiletries, you will need to check your bathroom, closets, and if you are like me anywhere else in the house where you put these items. Add items that you are running low on, on to the list.
4. Can you afford the items that are on your list? This will be difficult to determine if this is the first time that you have set a limit for yourself, or if grocery shopping is new to you. Once you have shopped a couple of times with a set limit, you will understand whether your food budget is realistic, or if you will have to make changes to your limit or what you buy. A lot of adults with ADD like to use online services that will deliver the groceries to you. This can be helpful for several reasons; it will total up all you purchases before you make them, it reduce the time of a mundane task, and it helps to control impulse buying.
5. If you are planning to go out shopping, make sure you eat a proper meal before hand. This helps you keep a clear head and reduce impulse buying, by not buying things that you are craving because you are hungry.
6. Have you checked circulars, newspapers or the Internet for coupons for the products that are on your list? This can be dangerous because you might also be tempted to buy additional items that you do not really need.
7. Before you head out decide if you want to go to one store or more than one store. While you can save money by going to additional stores, I would not recommend it. First the additional money and time that you spend traveling could negate any savings that you get. Second it adds a lot of complexity to a task that should be done as simply as possible.
Jumat, 12 Maret 2010
Adopting a New Creed to Turn Your Life Around.
Copyright 2006 Emmanuel Segui
How many times in your life have you signed your name to an agreement that bound you to do something?
Even though you put great value on your personal freedom, and you would be wary of agreeing to do anything that would jeopardize it, you have committed yourself to certain things where a penalty was involved if you did not do them.
Even when you opened your bank account, and applied for your insurance, you agreed to be bound by certain specific conditions. Probably right now much of your use of money, and your personal and vocational life, is influenced by such agreements. You signed your name to such binding agreements because it was the only way you could have or do what you considered necessary in your life
Sign your life away!
These are all agreements you have made with other people. But what about yourself?
Have you ever made an agreement with yourself, to do something for yourself? This is the most important kind of an agreement you can make, and I propose that you make one right now. This agreement involves not parts of your life, but rather your whole life, and I believe that you are ready for it.
You are ready now to understand a new creed of living. And you are ready to accept and adopt this creed.
This is the creed of "do," the positive creed of action, performance, production and accomplishment. It is the opposite of the creed of "do not," the negative creed of rejection, procrastination, fear and failure.
This positive creed says "do, rather than do not"; "do, rather than talk about it"; "do, rather than wish"; "do, rather than wait."
Are you willing to embrace this creed? I am sure that it wouldn't take more than a little self-influence for you to do so. And I am sure that you are willing to say that your attitude toward it is that it is a good creed, and a right creed, for you.
But like any creed, this one says a lot in a few words, so I want you to consider the "fine print" that is in back of those words before you go all the way and say it is your creed.
Furthermore, I am sure you will agree with me when I say the acceptance of the creed should make a "noteworthy" impression on your subconscious mind. You will start out with a good attitude, of course, but the objective agreed upon should be to make this creed a good habit. So let's consider what is implied in the "fine print."
You will be a person who has veered away from the normal track and from living the typical, ultra-conventional life.
You will be a person who is always on the productive, progressive track, and that is abnormal!
This "do" creed, then, means that you will live abnormally, or above the normal. You will travel only on the positive side of the road of life. You will live immoderately, by going "all the way." Knowing the true significance of this creed, are you now willing to ally yourself with it?
You have not the slightest reason to be hesitant about your decision. This is the creed of a person who has established his own importance to himself. But there is still another vital reason for its being your creed. The creed of "do" is made up of the kind of stuff that makes subconscious self-influence clear and certain. You will have the highest score of "noteworthy" impressions on your subconscious by acting according to the creed. The creed will make your subconscious the kind of a partner you want it to be.
Are you adopting the creed? You are, so say "yes"!
Say it aloud, so that conscious will of yours blinks a bit from the reverberations and so that your affirmation is recorded on that subconscious camera as the brightest impression ever!
This is the turning point.
How many times in your life have you signed your name to an agreement that bound you to do something?
Even though you put great value on your personal freedom, and you would be wary of agreeing to do anything that would jeopardize it, you have committed yourself to certain things where a penalty was involved if you did not do them.
Even when you opened your bank account, and applied for your insurance, you agreed to be bound by certain specific conditions. Probably right now much of your use of money, and your personal and vocational life, is influenced by such agreements. You signed your name to such binding agreements because it was the only way you could have or do what you considered necessary in your life
Sign your life away!
These are all agreements you have made with other people. But what about yourself?
Have you ever made an agreement with yourself, to do something for yourself? This is the most important kind of an agreement you can make, and I propose that you make one right now. This agreement involves not parts of your life, but rather your whole life, and I believe that you are ready for it.
You are ready now to understand a new creed of living. And you are ready to accept and adopt this creed.
This is the creed of "do," the positive creed of action, performance, production and accomplishment. It is the opposite of the creed of "do not," the negative creed of rejection, procrastination, fear and failure.
This positive creed says "do, rather than do not"; "do, rather than talk about it"; "do, rather than wish"; "do, rather than wait."
Are you willing to embrace this creed? I am sure that it wouldn't take more than a little self-influence for you to do so. And I am sure that you are willing to say that your attitude toward it is that it is a good creed, and a right creed, for you.
But like any creed, this one says a lot in a few words, so I want you to consider the "fine print" that is in back of those words before you go all the way and say it is your creed.
Furthermore, I am sure you will agree with me when I say the acceptance of the creed should make a "noteworthy" impression on your subconscious mind. You will start out with a good attitude, of course, but the objective agreed upon should be to make this creed a good habit. So let's consider what is implied in the "fine print."
You will be a person who has veered away from the normal track and from living the typical, ultra-conventional life.
You will be a person who is always on the productive, progressive track, and that is abnormal!
This "do" creed, then, means that you will live abnormally, or above the normal. You will travel only on the positive side of the road of life. You will live immoderately, by going "all the way." Knowing the true significance of this creed, are you now willing to ally yourself with it?
You have not the slightest reason to be hesitant about your decision. This is the creed of a person who has established his own importance to himself. But there is still another vital reason for its being your creed. The creed of "do" is made up of the kind of stuff that makes subconscious self-influence clear and certain. You will have the highest score of "noteworthy" impressions on your subconscious by acting according to the creed. The creed will make your subconscious the kind of a partner you want it to be.
Are you adopting the creed? You are, so say "yes"!
Say it aloud, so that conscious will of yours blinks a bit from the reverberations and so that your affirmation is recorded on that subconscious camera as the brightest impression ever!
This is the turning point.
Kamis, 11 Maret 2010
Adolescent Anger Management Strategies
Adolescent anger management is becoming more prominent in our society. Traditionally, children who enter this last acute phase of bodily and mental development can go through some rough times. As kids enter their preteen and then their teenage years, chaos can ensue at times for everyone involved. A child or young adult may feel that his or her body and mind are out of control occasionally, and the parents and teachers who supervise children at this age may tend to agree. Anger can spring out of nowhere to challenge innocent requests and reasonable expectations. Yet kids between the age of twelve and sixteen sometimes react in unpredictable ways, surprising those around them and even themselves and requiring the intervention of adolescent anger management strategies.
Today’s teens face even greater pressures than those of the past. By age eighteen, most have witnessed thousands of murders on television and video games. Some are involved in violent or illegal gang activity. Others come from broken homes where domestic violence and substance abuse are the norm. By the time they start going through puberty, their entire existence may seem out of their control, and they may grow increasingly enraged, acting out their anger in antisocial ways that require adolescent anger management.
Adolescent Anger Management and Juvenile Delinquents
Sadly, many teens experience frustrations that drive them to vent anger toward people or things, breaking civil laws. This type of behavior often leads to incarceration, or at the very least, intervention by parents, teachers, law enforcement officials, and juvenile experts who attempt to train children how to respond in age-appropriate ways. Adolescent anger management programs teach kids individually or in peer groups how to identify negative feelings, work through them in the right kind of ways, seek help when needed, and practice more mature behaviors.
During periods of time spent at juvenile detention centers, teens involved in adolescent anger management programs can learn how to improve their behavior in socially acceptable ways. Therapists can help to point out alternative attitudes and behaviors to teens who have never seen positive responses to everyday irritations modeled for them by responsible adults. They may be able to learn directly from the therapist how to manage difficult feelings, and they can read resource materials or visit websites like anger-management-information.com (site is not complete yet) for more information about this condition, and how to address it. They will find others like themselves who are learning how to get along with people and accept the situations that cannot be changed.
Community Adolescent Anger Management Programs
If you have or work with a teenager that is struggling with angry outbursts and a poor attitude, get in touch with a teacher or psychologist at your child’s school or a community social services organization that can direct you to self-help resources or a local adolescent anger management group that might be willing to admit your child. Letting unresolved anger fester or continue to be displayed in dangerous ways can lead to serious consequences. Get your teen the help that is needed for coping with this behavioral disorder.
Today’s teens face even greater pressures than those of the past. By age eighteen, most have witnessed thousands of murders on television and video games. Some are involved in violent or illegal gang activity. Others come from broken homes where domestic violence and substance abuse are the norm. By the time they start going through puberty, their entire existence may seem out of their control, and they may grow increasingly enraged, acting out their anger in antisocial ways that require adolescent anger management.
Adolescent Anger Management and Juvenile Delinquents
Sadly, many teens experience frustrations that drive them to vent anger toward people or things, breaking civil laws. This type of behavior often leads to incarceration, or at the very least, intervention by parents, teachers, law enforcement officials, and juvenile experts who attempt to train children how to respond in age-appropriate ways. Adolescent anger management programs teach kids individually or in peer groups how to identify negative feelings, work through them in the right kind of ways, seek help when needed, and practice more mature behaviors.
During periods of time spent at juvenile detention centers, teens involved in adolescent anger management programs can learn how to improve their behavior in socially acceptable ways. Therapists can help to point out alternative attitudes and behaviors to teens who have never seen positive responses to everyday irritations modeled for them by responsible adults. They may be able to learn directly from the therapist how to manage difficult feelings, and they can read resource materials or visit websites like anger-management-information.com (site is not complete yet) for more information about this condition, and how to address it. They will find others like themselves who are learning how to get along with people and accept the situations that cannot be changed.
Community Adolescent Anger Management Programs
If you have or work with a teenager that is struggling with angry outbursts and a poor attitude, get in touch with a teacher or psychologist at your child’s school or a community social services organization that can direct you to self-help resources or a local adolescent anger management group that might be willing to admit your child. Letting unresolved anger fester or continue to be displayed in dangerous ways can lead to serious consequences. Get your teen the help that is needed for coping with this behavioral disorder.
Rabu, 10 Maret 2010
Addiction Treatment Is A Choice
People become victims of substance abuse for different and often inscrutable reason. But whatever these reasons are, it is undeniable that this problem wrecks havoc in the lives of its victims and the society. It is proven that there is a connection between the increasing crime rate and substance use. Other than being perpetrators of crimes, people under the influence of substances damage their own health. Cases of drug overdose, alcohol-driven accidents, and infections are common in emergency rooms, hospitals, and sadly, even morgues. But there is still hope for the family, friends, and the addicted individuals. Different addiction treatment programs are launched yearly by the government and other civilian organizations in hopes of promoting a healthier and peaceful society.
But addiction treatment is a delicate issue. Substance dependents take a long time before accepting that they have a problem. Denial often delays seeking for treatment which often results in growing severity in the dependency. Even family and friends ignore warning signs of drug abuse or alcoholism in their loved ones because they simply can't accept that the problem exists. Dependents and their families often think that they can solve or stop the habit by themselves. However, substance dependency is not just an excessive physical craving; it is also a psychological problem. Without professional help, the chances of recovery and avoiding relapse are very low to none.
Admittedly, there is no permanent cure for addiction. Recovery and treatment are continuos and life-long processes. But there are several ways to considerably lighten the burden. Support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and community organizations with treatment programs guide dependents to recovery. In joining these groups, dependents get the chance to relate and share experiences with persons battling the same problem. These groups are also facilitated by people who are experts in substance abuse counseling. A common practice in these groups is the surrender of the dependents to Higher Powers which guide them through the process. Dependents who undergo this form of recovery describe it as deeply spiritual and life-changing.
If surrendering oneself to another is not the dependent's cup of tea, there is another treatment program that banks on individual power. The SMART Recovery addiction treatment rejects the Higher Power but instead urges individuals to find within themselves the strength to overcome their problem. The treatment is abstinence-based - the individual has the competency to choose a better life over the substance he is addicted to.
No matter what form of addiction treatment a dependent follows, it is important to emphasize that no one becomes sober overnight. It is also important to stress that relapse is still a strong possibility. Substance abuse programs are only there to help, not to cure. Having a better life is a choice dependents have to make for themselves.
But addiction treatment is a delicate issue. Substance dependents take a long time before accepting that they have a problem. Denial often delays seeking for treatment which often results in growing severity in the dependency. Even family and friends ignore warning signs of drug abuse or alcoholism in their loved ones because they simply can't accept that the problem exists. Dependents and their families often think that they can solve or stop the habit by themselves. However, substance dependency is not just an excessive physical craving; it is also a psychological problem. Without professional help, the chances of recovery and avoiding relapse are very low to none.
Admittedly, there is no permanent cure for addiction. Recovery and treatment are continuos and life-long processes. But there are several ways to considerably lighten the burden. Support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and community organizations with treatment programs guide dependents to recovery. In joining these groups, dependents get the chance to relate and share experiences with persons battling the same problem. These groups are also facilitated by people who are experts in substance abuse counseling. A common practice in these groups is the surrender of the dependents to Higher Powers which guide them through the process. Dependents who undergo this form of recovery describe it as deeply spiritual and life-changing.
If surrendering oneself to another is not the dependent's cup of tea, there is another treatment program that banks on individual power. The SMART Recovery addiction treatment rejects the Higher Power but instead urges individuals to find within themselves the strength to overcome their problem. The treatment is abstinence-based - the individual has the competency to choose a better life over the substance he is addicted to.
No matter what form of addiction treatment a dependent follows, it is important to emphasize that no one becomes sober overnight. It is also important to stress that relapse is still a strong possibility. Substance abuse programs are only there to help, not to cure. Having a better life is a choice dependents have to make for themselves.
Selasa, 09 Maret 2010
Addiction to Talking
There is an old joke about people who talk a lot: “Do you know the 12-Step program for people who talk a lot? On and On Anon!”
The joke recognizes that fact that incessant talking is a common addiction.
Non-stop talking is about using others for attention and approval because of not giving oneself enough attention and approval. The talker is not actually offering anything to the listener. Instead, the talker, in going on and on with a monologue, is pulling energy from the listener. People who end up listening to a talker go on and on are often caretakers who are afraid to hurt the talker by disengaging or by telling the truth about their boredom.
Talkers are often needy people who attempt to assuage their emptiness by trapping people into listening to them. For example, I’ve seen people telling a bank teller their life story, while the trapped teller doesn’t know how to disengage without being impolite. The problem is that one of the reasons these people are without friends is that no one wants to be with them. It’s draining to be at the other end of a needy person who uses talking as a way to fill up.
If you are addicted to talking, perhaps you believe that you are being interesting when you go on and on about yourself. However, you might reconsider the truth of this belief if you find that many people avoid you. Most people will not tell you the truth – that they feel tired, drained and trapped in your presence, and bored by your talking. Not wanting to offend you, they just stay away rather speak their truth. They don’t answer the phone when they know it’s you, and they find any excuse to not spend time with you. It’s not that they don’t like you – it’s that they don’t want to be used by you to fill up your emptiness.
HEALING YOUR ADDICTION TO TALKING
Imagine that you have a child within you – your feeling self - who feels very alone. This child feels alone because you are not paying attention to him or her. Every time you trap someone into listening to you, it is as if you are handing this inner child away for adoption. You want someone else to attend to and approve of this child instead of you accepting this responsibility.
The very fact of doing this is an inner abandonment and is creating the aloneness that is at the heart of all addictions. By expecting others to listen to you when you don’t listen to yourself, you are giving the child within a message that he or she is not important to you. When you do not take the time to attend to your own feelings and needs, you are creating inner neediness and emptiness. This inner emptiness is like a vacuum that attempts to suck caring from others. Yet no matter how often others do listen to you, it never really fills you. This is because only you can give your own inner child what he or she needs.
If you were to take some time each day to have a dialogue, either out loud or in writing, with the part of you who so needs to be heard, you would discover that you can fill your own emptiness. In addition, if you practice imagining a loving spiritual presence holding you, loving you, listening to you and guiding you, you will no longer feel alone.
As long as you believe that it is someone else’s job to fill you, you will not take the time to learn how to fill yourself. As long as you believe that it is okay to trap others and use them to fill yourself, you will continue your talking addiction. Only when you get that it is not loving to yourself or others to expect them to take care of your own inner child – your own feelings and needs - will you start to take on that responsibility.
While you might not believe that you can fill yourself better than others can, you will not know until you try. My personal experience is that when my intention is to take loving care of myself and to fill myself with the Love that is God, I feel happy and peaceful. When you choose to take responsibility for meeting your own needs instead of abandoning yourself to others, you will never feel alone.
The joke recognizes that fact that incessant talking is a common addiction.
Non-stop talking is about using others for attention and approval because of not giving oneself enough attention and approval. The talker is not actually offering anything to the listener. Instead, the talker, in going on and on with a monologue, is pulling energy from the listener. People who end up listening to a talker go on and on are often caretakers who are afraid to hurt the talker by disengaging or by telling the truth about their boredom.
Talkers are often needy people who attempt to assuage their emptiness by trapping people into listening to them. For example, I’ve seen people telling a bank teller their life story, while the trapped teller doesn’t know how to disengage without being impolite. The problem is that one of the reasons these people are without friends is that no one wants to be with them. It’s draining to be at the other end of a needy person who uses talking as a way to fill up.
If you are addicted to talking, perhaps you believe that you are being interesting when you go on and on about yourself. However, you might reconsider the truth of this belief if you find that many people avoid you. Most people will not tell you the truth – that they feel tired, drained and trapped in your presence, and bored by your talking. Not wanting to offend you, they just stay away rather speak their truth. They don’t answer the phone when they know it’s you, and they find any excuse to not spend time with you. It’s not that they don’t like you – it’s that they don’t want to be used by you to fill up your emptiness.
HEALING YOUR ADDICTION TO TALKING
Imagine that you have a child within you – your feeling self - who feels very alone. This child feels alone because you are not paying attention to him or her. Every time you trap someone into listening to you, it is as if you are handing this inner child away for adoption. You want someone else to attend to and approve of this child instead of you accepting this responsibility.
The very fact of doing this is an inner abandonment and is creating the aloneness that is at the heart of all addictions. By expecting others to listen to you when you don’t listen to yourself, you are giving the child within a message that he or she is not important to you. When you do not take the time to attend to your own feelings and needs, you are creating inner neediness and emptiness. This inner emptiness is like a vacuum that attempts to suck caring from others. Yet no matter how often others do listen to you, it never really fills you. This is because only you can give your own inner child what he or she needs.
If you were to take some time each day to have a dialogue, either out loud or in writing, with the part of you who so needs to be heard, you would discover that you can fill your own emptiness. In addition, if you practice imagining a loving spiritual presence holding you, loving you, listening to you and guiding you, you will no longer feel alone.
As long as you believe that it is someone else’s job to fill you, you will not take the time to learn how to fill yourself. As long as you believe that it is okay to trap others and use them to fill yourself, you will continue your talking addiction. Only when you get that it is not loving to yourself or others to expect them to take care of your own inner child – your own feelings and needs - will you start to take on that responsibility.
While you might not believe that you can fill yourself better than others can, you will not know until you try. My personal experience is that when my intention is to take loving care of myself and to fill myself with the Love that is God, I feel happy and peaceful. When you choose to take responsibility for meeting your own needs instead of abandoning yourself to others, you will never feel alone.
Senin, 08 Maret 2010
Addiction to Self-Judgment
“I’m such a jerk. How could I have said that?”
“I’m a looser. I’ll never get anywhere.”
“I’m so stupid. I should have learned this by now.”
“I don’t fit in. I don’t belong with these people.”
“I’ll never be good enough. I’ll never do it right enough.”
“I’m permanently emotionally damaged. I’ll never be okay.”
“No one could love me. I’m not lovable.”
…and so on and so on.
Are you aware of your self-judgments? Are you aware of how often you judge yourself as bad, wrong, or inadequate? Are you aware of how you end up feeling as a result of your self-judgments?
In my counseling work with people, I find that self-judgment is one of the major causes of fear, anger, anxiety and depression. Yet most people don’t realize that these painful feelings are the result of their own thoughts, their own self-judgments. Most of the time, when I ask an anxious client why they are feeling anxious, they tell me that it’s because of something that happened to them. They usually believe that an event or a person caused their anxiety. Yet when I ask them what they are thinking that might be causing their anxiety, they will tell me a self-judgment such as, “I’ll never get this right,” or they are projecting their own judgment onto me and telling themselves, “Margaret doesn’t like me,” or “Margaret is getting impatient with me.” When they judge themselves or make up that I’m judging them, they get anxious. There is nothing actually happening that is causing their anxiety, other than their own thoughts.
Pointing out to them that they are causing their anxiety with their self-judgment doesn’t not necessarily stop the judgment. This is because self-judgment is often an addiction. An addiction is a habitual behavior that is intended to protect against pain. What is the pain that self-judgment is intended to protect against?
Generally, the hope of self-judgment is to protect against rejection and failure. The false beliefs are that, “If I judge myself, then others won’t judge me and reject me. I can be safe from others’ judgment by judging myself first,” or “If I judge myself, I can motivate myself to do things right and succeed. Then I will feel safe and be loved and accepted by others.”
However, just as a child does far better in school with encouragement than with criticism, so do we as adults. Criticism tends to scare and immobilize us. Instead of motivating us, it often creates so much anxiety that we get frozen and become unable to take appropriate action for ourselves. More self-judgment follows the lack of action, which results in more anxiety and immobilization, until we create a situation where we are completely stuck and miserable.
The way out of this is to become aware of the feelings of fear, anxiety, anger or depression and then ask yourself, “What did I just tell myself that is creating this feeling?” Once you become aware of the self-judgment, you can then ask yourself, “Am I certain that what I am telling myself is true?” If you are not 100% certain that what you are telling yourself is true, you can ask your higher, wise self or a spiritual source of wisdom, “What is the truth?” If you are really open to learning about the truth, the truth will pop into your mind, and it will be much different than what you have been telling yourself.
For example, “I’m such a jerk. How could I have said that?” becomes “We all mess up at times. It’s okay to make mistakes - it’s part of being human. Making a mistake does not mean that you are a jerk.” When we open to the truth, we will discover a kind and compassionate way of speaking to ourselves, a way that makes us feel loved and safe rather than anxious, angry or depressed.
Addictions are always challenging to resolve, and an addiction to self-judgment is no exception. So be easy on yourself, and don’t judge yourself for judging yourself! It will take time and dedication to become aware of your self-judgments and learn to be kind toward yourself, but the end result is so worth the effort!
“I’m a looser. I’ll never get anywhere.”
“I’m so stupid. I should have learned this by now.”
“I don’t fit in. I don’t belong with these people.”
“I’ll never be good enough. I’ll never do it right enough.”
“I’m permanently emotionally damaged. I’ll never be okay.”
“No one could love me. I’m not lovable.”
…and so on and so on.
Are you aware of your self-judgments? Are you aware of how often you judge yourself as bad, wrong, or inadequate? Are you aware of how you end up feeling as a result of your self-judgments?
In my counseling work with people, I find that self-judgment is one of the major causes of fear, anger, anxiety and depression. Yet most people don’t realize that these painful feelings are the result of their own thoughts, their own self-judgments. Most of the time, when I ask an anxious client why they are feeling anxious, they tell me that it’s because of something that happened to them. They usually believe that an event or a person caused their anxiety. Yet when I ask them what they are thinking that might be causing their anxiety, they will tell me a self-judgment such as, “I’ll never get this right,” or they are projecting their own judgment onto me and telling themselves, “Margaret doesn’t like me,” or “Margaret is getting impatient with me.” When they judge themselves or make up that I’m judging them, they get anxious. There is nothing actually happening that is causing their anxiety, other than their own thoughts.
Pointing out to them that they are causing their anxiety with their self-judgment doesn’t not necessarily stop the judgment. This is because self-judgment is often an addiction. An addiction is a habitual behavior that is intended to protect against pain. What is the pain that self-judgment is intended to protect against?
Generally, the hope of self-judgment is to protect against rejection and failure. The false beliefs are that, “If I judge myself, then others won’t judge me and reject me. I can be safe from others’ judgment by judging myself first,” or “If I judge myself, I can motivate myself to do things right and succeed. Then I will feel safe and be loved and accepted by others.”
However, just as a child does far better in school with encouragement than with criticism, so do we as adults. Criticism tends to scare and immobilize us. Instead of motivating us, it often creates so much anxiety that we get frozen and become unable to take appropriate action for ourselves. More self-judgment follows the lack of action, which results in more anxiety and immobilization, until we create a situation where we are completely stuck and miserable.
The way out of this is to become aware of the feelings of fear, anxiety, anger or depression and then ask yourself, “What did I just tell myself that is creating this feeling?” Once you become aware of the self-judgment, you can then ask yourself, “Am I certain that what I am telling myself is true?” If you are not 100% certain that what you are telling yourself is true, you can ask your higher, wise self or a spiritual source of wisdom, “What is the truth?” If you are really open to learning about the truth, the truth will pop into your mind, and it will be much different than what you have been telling yourself.
For example, “I’m such a jerk. How could I have said that?” becomes “We all mess up at times. It’s okay to make mistakes - it’s part of being human. Making a mistake does not mean that you are a jerk.” When we open to the truth, we will discover a kind and compassionate way of speaking to ourselves, a way that makes us feel loved and safe rather than anxious, angry or depressed.
Addictions are always challenging to resolve, and an addiction to self-judgment is no exception. So be easy on yourself, and don’t judge yourself for judging yourself! It will take time and dedication to become aware of your self-judgments and learn to be kind toward yourself, but the end result is so worth the effort!
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