Abandoned Again—How We Repeat Our Childhood in the Present

The woman on the couch looks up at me miserably, tears in her eyes, as she tells me about her most recent bad relationship. “I’m sick of choosing guys who aren’t there for me. They seem great, they want me, they tell me how terrific I am, then either they have an affair, or turn on me once we are involved, getting that cold look in their eyes. I can see they don’t care after all. I can’t stand this. Why do I do this over and over?”

In my work as a therapist, I help people discover repeated patterns. Despite our conscious desire and urgent efforts to make our lives better, we end up feeling the same as we did as children, but the feeling of despair and depression can deepen if we see that we are simply repeating our abusive or abandoned childhood.

This may seem confusing to understand, but this is how it works: Rooted deep in the unconscious is a desire to make the story turn out right—to find someone who will finally come through and love us the way we want. But the pattern of repetition, until it is resolved, will cause us to choose people who will do exactly what was done to us as children. If you were abandoned, they will abandon you. If you were hurt physically, this may be what you experience all over again.

For instance, most women involved in relationships where there is domestic violence either were beaten as children, or observed it for many years. If you were verbally abused, you will find yourself hearing the same phrases and feeling exactly the same as you did when you were a child. There you are, thinking you have just found the love of your life, when a terrible feeling comes over you—“I have been here before,” says the voice inside your head, a feeling of dread running through your body. It’s not déjà vu; it is an unconscious repetition of the past.

There is good news about all this: You can change these old patterns. It takes time, awareness, determination, and work on your part, but it can be done.

How to help stop repeating abandonment and abuse in your life now:

1. First, you have to recognize you are repeating your past patterns. Become aware of a familiar, sinking feeling, or the feeling that you are a bad person, or not good enough, or feel awful about yourself. Ask yourself: is there something going on now that reinforces that feeling?

2. Consider your past patterns with parents. It helps to write down these patterns, as you can be objective about them if you see them on the page.

3. Write about being a child of about five years old; nine years old; 12. What was life like in your household? Who was there connecting with you, and how?

4. After making that objective list of patterns in family and in the past, write down any parallels between then and now, paying particular attention to feelings. Sometimes the action is different but the feeling is the same.

5. When you are drawn to a new person, get to know him better before getting involved. Spend time to find out how he treats you when he is having a bad day, or how he acts when you say no. How you are treated at the beginning of a relationship when you are not being pleasing or saying yes, when you make boundaries for yourself, is only a hint of how it will be later on.

6. Keep your need to be loved and accepted in balance with who the other person is and his or her needs. Take your time to find out more before getting too involved.

7. Write in your journal to become more aware of patterns, concerns, and actual events. You can refer back to them later. This documentation may clear up any future confusion about reality.

A Startling Fact About The Dangers Of Labeling

Quite often, we use labels on ourselves and others without even realizing that we are doing it. And most often, they are negative.  What we don’t realize is how much theses labels can hurt us and others.

The challenge is, what ever you state to yourself repetitively, even if you know on a conscious level that it is not true,<b> your subconscious mind believes it.</b>

For example, after misplacing something, have you ever said to your self, "I am so stupid."  You know that you are just annoyed but your subconscious takes you seriously.

Once your subconscious mind believes something, <b>it sets out to confirm it's belief </b>and it can self sabotage your efforts to change and grow.

In fact, you may be holding several labels on yourself that you are not even aware of because you have been saying and believing them for so long.  They may be about how well you believe you can learn, cook, drive or even show up on time. 

These labels literately control your life and stop you from moving forward.

In addition, when we use labels on other people, just as in judging, we start to see only the label.  Labels are stagnating and do not allow the other person to grow.

People will look for information that confirms the label that has been placed on a person. They will speak to the person according to their label, and don’t hear anything beyond it.

People will literately ignore anything that isn't inline with their belief about the other person and the label they put on them.

For example, if you believed that a person was clumsy and always stated that they were clumsy, you would ignore all the times that they walked or did anything with grace and ease.

Then if anything happened that even remotely looked clumsy you then would say, "see, what did I tell you, you're always so
clumsy."

<b>This can make the person very nervous in front of you </b> and the more the person worries the more likely it is for something to happen. It then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I have seen some men do this to women, when they believe that all women are too emotional.  The woman could go for months and not be upset with anything then something happens, he will go,  "see, what did I tell you, women always get upset."  All along 'forgetting' when they, themselves were upset.

Sometimes these men will even provoke the other person, by saying to them repeatedly, now don’t get upset.  This is treating the other person is a way that you believe they will react which in turn creates the very behaviour that you were hoping to avoid in the first place.

People see and hear what they want to believe. And compounding that is, what you see and hear is filtered through your bias. So in the end you receive only a partial message that leaves out anything that contradicts your beliefs.

Sometimes people hold back information from the other person in the hopes confusing them to keep their belief alive about the other person's abilities.  This creates the behaviour that the other person wants to prove.

Labeling can also leads to criticism, bigotry and hatred. Especially when small children are listening to us. They are learning how to act in society and repeat what they hear, which in turn affects how their future will turn out.
<uL>
<b>Some labels are:</b>
        <li>  Black </li>
    <li> White</li>
    <li> Slow </li>
    <li> Stupid</li>
    <li> ADHD</li>
    <li> Trouble maker</li>
    <li> Bureaucrats</li>
    <li> Hothead</li>
    <li> Short</li>
    <li> Tall</li>
    <li> Smart</li>
    <li> Good / bad</li>
    <li> Right / wrong</li>

</ul>
Even positive labels can hurt and annoy. There are people who
and said that they are tired of always hearing that they are the cute, good, smart one etc.  It stifles who they are and their potential to grow if they believe they must stay with in the label.

Ask yourself, what labels you use on yourself and  others. Start noting how often you say them and ask yourself, do you believe they are true. Then start replacing them with sayings that are more productive in growing to your own potential.

While you are doing that, contemplate on this quote.
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an
understanding of ourselves. <b>--Carl Jung</b>

A Rested Mind Can Improve Your Productivity

Imagine that you’re working late at night on a project due in the morning. Your body is tired and your mind is numb, but this project must get done, so you push on. You continue to work, despite the distinct feeling that the project would be much easier if you went to bed and approached it again in the morning. You feel obligated to do it now, so you stay up until the wee hours of the morning, producing less than desirable work in much more time than it would have taken with a rested mind. This was likely not the wisest move, since not only productivity was lost, but quality as well.

Having a rested mind really can make a difference in our daily productivity, whether it's work or housework we are trying to accomplish. Our minds were not meant to work for hours on end with no downtime. They need breaks and vacations. They need the ability to recharge from the daily overload of sensory and thought perceptions. Constantly running our minds on overtime without frequent periods of restoration can be detrimental to our work, our attitude, and even our physical health.

Luckily, there are a few simple steps you can take to prevent your mind from working on overload. Follow these helpful tips and ideas for increasing your daily productivity:

Get more sleep – Adequate sleep is crucial to allowing our subconscious minds to let go of all the stress of the day. During sleep our minds recharge themselves, generating the stamina and renewed perception needed for a fresh new day. If we fail to get adequate sleep, our minds will be sluggish and slow, essentially shutting down from the overload of stimuli. This creates conditions in which we cannot effectively think, speak, or act to our fullest potential.

Without the level of awareness and alertness that a rested mind provides, our pace slows down and productivity is lost. When our minds are overworked we often fall into "space cadet" mode, and we have trouble focusing on the tasks at hand. Thoughts frequently wander, and the ability to concentrate is lost. Most people know how much sleep they require to feel refreshed, but we rarely allow ourselves such a luxury. Try viewing adequate sleep as an investment into your overall well-being, and reap the rewards the next morning.

Reduce stress – Excessive stress can be very debilitating. It makes us feel overwhelmed and distracts us from getting our work done, and even worse - it promotes the formation of negative thoughts. Stress can hinder our productivity by making us more scattered and unfocused. We are unable to concentrate on one thing at a time because the cause of the stress is always in the back our minds, demanding attention.

Reducing the stressors in our lives will go a long way in allowing us to lead more productive and happy lives. Try to remember that some things are just not worth worrying about, and there is no sense in stressing over things we have no control over. Since much of our stress is the result of worrying about things beyond our control, allowing ourselves to let go of these thoughts can greatly reduce the stress in our lives.

Quiet the mind – Meditation is a great way to quiet our minds and develop clear thought processes. Try this exercise at least once a day: Find a quiet room with no interruptions, sit in a comfortable position, and close your eyes. Allow all thoughts to leave your mind, and try to focus on the silence within you. As thoughts begin to float through your mind, simply push them gently but firmly back out. This technique takes practice to perfect, but sticking with it will help you to develop intense focus that can be harnessed in other ways as well.

Meditating on a regular basis will ultimately improve our productivity because we will develop the ability to focus clearly on each task, and ultimately get more done in less time.

These are just a few of the easy ways we can contribute to a rested mind, which will help us to release stress, improve our focus, and increase our productivity.

A Place of Sanctuary - Creating Sacred Space

The World Health Organization (WHO) describes health as “the condition of perfect bodily, spiritual, and social well-being and not solely the absence of illness and injury.”   As described by the WHO, how many of us feel emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually healthy on a daily basis?  We work in structures called ‘sick-buildings;’ we go home to care for families so tired we are almost unable to function; and we increasingly lose our connection with any sense of our place in the universe.  How do we reclaim our life and start to think that our life matters and that we are important in the overall scheme of things? One way of doing this is to create our own sanctuary/sacred space. 

Creating our own sacred space restores our peace of mind and enables us to stand back from the turmoil in our lives in order to provide a place where we can reconnect with our sense of self and reclaim our power.  Exploration of sanctuary is to create a link to the Divine as our soul asks us to love, accept, and provide hospitality to ourselves when we are spiritually hungry.   Spirituality is more than a psychological and emotional need: it is an inherent biological need as our energy, our spirit, and our personal power is all one and the same force. We need daily sanctuary as our heart and soul depends on it.  When we give ourselves the gift of sacred time in a special place, we are feeding our spirit.  Theodore Roszak writes, “We can now recognise that the fate of the soul is the fate of the social order; that if the spirit within us withers, so too will all the world we build about us.” 

Creating Sacred Space in your Home, Workplace, and Garden

The first consideration in creating a sacred space in your home, workplace, or garden is defining the purpose in doing so.  Some of the questions for consideration include:

1.  What is it that you want your sacred space to provide for you? 

2.  Where will your sanctuary be located?

3.  What feelings do you want? 

4.  What attracts you to your sanctuary?

5.  What features do you want? 

6.  What colours do you want?

7.  What sounds do you want?

Ideas and Options for Creating Sacred Space in your Home, Workplace, and Garden

In your place of sanctuary, some of the items you could include are:

·  Candles – you can use candles to provide colour and when burning provide a point of focus for meditation.  Scented candles can add a touch of fragrance to your environment.

·  Plants – your plants will require care, and not only will make the air more healthy, but will encourage you to attend your place of sanctuary.  Plants can also be used to enhance particular colours and fragrances you wish to add to your well-being.

·  Water – adding desktop water fountains to your place of sacredness will not only provide the soothing sounds of water, but will also block out other noises in your environment.

·  Music – music as my Dad used to say, “feeds the soul.”  Use music you like, such as, sounds of nature or instrumental music, to provide a place of soothing for your soul.

·  Aquariums – live fish and the sounds of water provide healing energy for your sacred space.  In the Chinese culture, live fish are thought to be ‘good energy.’

·  Rocks and stones – are considered in many cultures to be sacred.  Use in your place of sanctuary and, when you are tired or stressed-out, re-arrange your ‘rock garden.’

·  Walls – walls can be used to act as, or hang notice boards on, where you can post favourite pictures, quotes, and ideas.

·  Spend at least 10 minutes a day (20 is better) in refreshing and renewing your spiritual self.

Finally, in creating your sacred space, remember you are unique.  There will never be anyone on the planet like you and you have a right to spend time caring for yourself.  As Richard Bolles in his book What Colour Is Your Parachute says, “You are God’s gift to the planet and your uniqueness is the gift to the rest of us.”

A Nice Mind Trick - To Release Your Resistance To Money

Copyright 2006 Olga Farber Becker

When you're thinking of money and it brings painful thoughts - what do you do? Trying to run from these thoughts or just switch from them to positive ones doesn't always work.

Then instead of running from the pain we can use it to our advantage.

Abraham-Hicks says, as our emotions are, so is what we get following our thoughts surrounded by these emotions. The stronger the emotions, the stronger you attract what you're thinking of, to you.

Which means, if you open your email and see no sales there and you feel strong pain "why doesn't the money come?" - it means, you attract to yourself the situations where you'll feel exactly this, that the money doesn't come.

Or if you're looking at a stack of bills you need to pay, or your credit card printouts bring you the feeling "why the money goes and goes, when will it start to come??"

But let's turn the pain to our best weapon! :)

They say you're having a strong emotion, strongly attract to you... something. And your feeling of pain is there because you resist what you want to come to you.

Then let's see it like this:

What we want, WANTS TO COME TO US. But we resist it, and by that we don't let it come to us. So when we see email without sales and feel pain, it's actually pain because MONEY WANTS TO COME TO US and we resist it! IT'S NOT THE PAIN THAT IT DOESN'T COME!

If you're a woman, you'll understand the analogy with giving birth: :) Grantly Dick-Read wrote about it - when in labor, normally the woman feels the pain only if she resists the baby going out. She heard from her childhood that labor is pain, and so she is afraid, so she contracts the muscles instead of relaxing and letting them stretch to release the baby. That's the basis of all modern and old techniques of giving birth naturally and painlessly.

SO try to realize it when you feel pain thinking about lacking what you want: the pain doesn't mean you hurt because of not having it, the pain means it WANTS TO COME TO YOU and your pain is from resistance only.

Imagine it: money wants to come to you so much, but you barricaded your doors and windows, holding the door as you only can, shouting NO!! :)

Please, please - release the hold, unbarricade even one window - you'll immediately feel better and you'll finally let what you want, come to you EASILY, QUICKLY and with FUN.

To beautiful life experience!

A New Years Resolution To Stop Smoking – How To Keep To It Beyond Jan 2nd?

So, here you are again. Seeing out the old year, along with its broken promises and failed, good intentions.

You arrive, fresh with newly found conviction, after the excesses of the Christmas period, at the New Year’s resolution, an annual triumph of hope over reality!

Hope, that this time you will have the single mindedness to succeed, where last time you failed. I’m not suggesting for a moment that you do not want to succeed, I’m sure that your desire to stop smoking is genuine, but here’s the reality, it’s a hope, a dream and what’s the point in having dreams if you’re not going to make them happen?

You may dream of winning the lottery and yes, you could win! But it’s down to chance and you have a better chance of flying to the moon, than of winning the lottery.

Making a real change to your life? Well that’s a dream you can, make happen! And you can start right here, right now.

The problem with New Year resolutions lies in the forward planning. Moving towards a significant target date in your life, to contemplate doing something that you know is going to be a struggle, makes it even harder to live up to your own expectations.

Of course you’re not looking forward to it! What do you expect? As you begin to experience a steady build-up of tension, leading up to the big day when you’re finally going to start putting right everything that’s wrong with your life!

No pressure there then! I’m sure you’ll feel ready to start on that day!

In the meantime of course, you now have the perfect excuse to behave badly, because it doesn’t really matter if you let yourself go over Christmas does it? You can do everything to excess. It won’t really matter! After all, you deserve to have one last binge before the deprivations of the coming year ahead!

If you believe that, then you’re delusionary. You’re just fooling yourself because it makes you feel better at the moment. It’s the high, before the deep low that will inevitably follow and damage your self-esteem, sabotaging your chance of success even before you start.

Wake up and smell the coffee!!

Do you really want to stop smoking? Then do something about it, NOW!
Clear the house of all the things that you know will prevent you, NOW!
Do not put aside an emergency packet “just in case”, that’s just planning for failure!
No “last one for old times sake”
Do it NOW – as you read this article.
Don’t put it off until tomorrow, because tomorrow never comes!

How we think and feel about ourselves is often the difference between happiness and success, or frustration and failure, therefore success and real lasting changes, only comes from changing the way we think. We are all products of our own thinking.

So, every thought we think has an impact on us. We respond to our negative thoughts and to our positive thoughts. If you have a history of failing to live up to your own expectations, your memories are loaded with negative programming.

No matter how much conscious effort you put into changing your habits, your subconscious mind is flooding your body with negative messages that have been ingrained for years.

You can however, change the way you think about stopping smoking using the help of hypnotherapy DVD’s.
Many people trying to give up smoking, struggle to maintain willpower. They feel that they need help and are often too embarrassed to admit to anyone that they have a problem. Now, many sufferers of low motivation and low confidence and self-esteem, are benefiting from hypnotherapy treatment, which can literally change peoples lives for the better.

Your life will improve if you begin to believe in yourself and your abilities, you will feel respected, giving you that extra boost to increase motivation, and your enthusiasm will increase noticeably. Some people say it feels like magic because it is so easy to make powerful changes. Hypnotherapy simply allows you to access the resources you already have in your subconscious mind.

Desire to make changes is good. Taking action to start something is even better. Let’s assume that you’ve decided right now, to start making the changes that you want. If you have tried before and failed, you need a support structure put into place as quickly as possible, to help you to maintain your resolve and to keep your thought processes focussed on your goals. A hypnotherapy DVD programme for home use can help. You certainly don’t want to be obsessing about smoking all the time.

You can succeed and you can quit smoking for good. You will have success this time if you make sure that you put an effective support system into place as soon as possible.
What’s stopping you from stopping?

So, don’t wait to make any New Year resolutions at midnight on the 31st of December, decide to start making the changes that you want to make in your life, RIGHT NOW!

Do something different this time.

A Modern Day Wisdom Seeker Interviews Walt Whitman

Copyright 2006 Tom Russell

Walt Whitman lived a life of wisdom and simplicity.   Here is how a modern day wisdom seeker might interview the great 19th century poet, and his inspiring replies.

Q: I have always had a timid and apologetic attitude towards other people, which I dislike. I am encouraged by everything you say, but I am still what I am.

Walt Whitman: I do not trouble my spirit to vindicate itself or be understood; I see that the elementary laws never apologize.

Q: What kind of truth will supply inner liberty?

You have not known what you are, you have slumbered upon yourself all your life . . .Whoever you are! Claim your own.

Q: I want to walk towards inner newness, but it all seems so mysterious and difficult!

It is not far, it is within reach. Perhaps you have been on it since you were born and did not know.

Q: I wonder whether other people have the same timidity that I have regarding independence? I mean that it sometimes seems frightening to break out of the social net to stand all alone.

I exist as I am -- that is enough; if no other in the world be aware, I sit content.

Q: Religions and philosophies teach that an enlightened man becomes his own law, which is truly right and moral, in contrast to man-made law. Is that what you mean by self-independence?

A heroic person walks at his ease through and out of that custom or precedent or authority that suits him not.

Q: The one word that characterizes me best of all is restlessness. I no sooner reach my desired destination than I want to roam to somewhere else. One minute I'm all excited over something and the next minute it bores me. What causes my dissatisfaction?

What do you suppose will satisfy the soul except to walk free and own no superior?

Q: I have suffered several severe losses lately, including that of someone very close to me. I know it does no good to feel sorry for myself, so I don't fall into that trap. However, I would like to have the mystical explanation regarding personal loss.

Nothing is ever really lost, or can be lost, no birth, identity, form -- no object in the world, nor life, nor any visible thing; appearance must not foil, nor shifted sphere confuse thy brain. Ample are time and space -- ample the fields of Nature.

Q: I have always felt inferior to other people. People who are famous or expert in even small ways make me feel worthless by comparison. This feeling now haunts me as I take up the task of self-discovery.

This is the meal equally set, this is the meat for natural hunger, it is for the wicked just the same as the righteous, I make appointment with all, I will not have a single person slighted or kept away.

Q: How might we more clearly see the necessity for following his new way?

Have the past struggles succeeded?

Q: If we uncover this spiritual gold, what changes will it make in the way we live?

Afoot and light-hearted I take to the open road. Healthy, free, the world before me . . . leading wherever I choose.

Q: Would it be correct to compare esoteric schooling with the school of our childhood, for example, by learning to spell short words we are qualified to work on longer ones?

Now understand me well -- it is provided in the essence of things that from any fruition of success, no matter what, shall come forth something to make a greater struggle necessary . . the road is before us! It is safe . . . I have tried it.

Q: This changes our psychic weather from cloudy to clear?

There are divine things more beautiful than words can tell.

Q: That is the heroism we all need.

I know that they go towards the best -- towards something great.

Q: This calls for a personal declaration of independence.

It is time to explain myself -- let us stand up.

Q: So we need only to see what we already possess?

Henceforth I ask not good-fortune, I myself am good-fortune.

Q: If diversion fails, what succeeds?

Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.

Q: I wonder whether I have drawn a correct conclusion from all this? Do we really owe nothing to a sick society except personal maturity and decency?

I do not give lectures or a little charity, when I give I give myself.

Conclusion

This article demonstrates how spiritual wisdom is forever new.  Its principles are timeless.  It is as appropriate today as it was then.  Growth blossoms as we increasingly connect with what already exists.