I like to think that I have learned a lot of things from living my life. It seems my years have been filled with a whole lot of good things with a few really hard things in between. I have had the privilege of knowing a lot of really great people and I've enjoyed countless memories with each of them. I have been happily married for quite a few years and I've been blessed with several children. I feel pretty good today, but not every day seems to go this well. Some days life is hard, the people I love the most are annoying, and all I want to do is hide myself in a closet and cry. It is on those days that I remember the advice that my mother often gave me growing up. When I was having a bad day she would say, 'Honey, whatever happens today, don't forget to smile. Nothing is as bad as it seems.'
I've found that piece of advice helpful on countless occasions as I've grown. I remember in elementary school feeling like my life had ended because my pet turtle died. I was over his death just a few hours later when my best friend invited me over for a sleepover. Our time was full of smiles and laughter. Or in high school I remember feeling like life couldn't get much worse when I didn't get asked to the prom by the guy I really wanted to go with. My mom reminded me to smile and assured me that my life would turn out just fine.
The older I've gotten the more I've learned to face every day in life with a smile. Good days and bad days alike I try to face knowing that for the most part, life tends to work itself out and return to normal after a little while.
I think the biggest thing that has taught me to live each day with a smile on my face is having children. My kids have helped to renew the sense of wonder and passion that I used to live with. They have helped me to rediscover the possibilities in new challenges and they have helped me to seize moments. They are constantly doing funny things that keeping me laughing and that keep a smile on my face regardless of the stresses of my day.
Think about your life. Do you have reason to smile today? Can you find positive things to focus on regardless of the hard things that might be happening? I hope so. I truly hope that you are able to learn that whatever happens in life, living with a smile is a great thing.
Selasa, 31 Agustus 2010
Senin, 30 Agustus 2010
Does the Fear of Rejection Control Your Life?
Jay sought my help because he wanted to get married and have children, yet the relationship of his dreams seemed to elude him. When I first met Jay, he was an attractive, creative, brilliant and successful businessman in his middle 30’s. And he had a great sense of humor. It wasn’t that women weren’t attracted to him. He had no trouble having first dates with interesting, intelligent, and attractive women. But it never went anywhere. Jay was baffled.
When I first started to counsel Jay, he was very quiet. It felt like pulling teeth to get him to share anything with me, especially his feelings. He stayed in his head, brilliant in his ability to articulate, but flat and unemotional. He words were carefully planned out and delivered. He seemed to always be tense. It was very hard to connect with him.
“Jay, something seems to be in the way of your spontaneity. Are you aware of how carefully you pick your words?”
“Yes.”
“There must be a good reason you do this. Do you know what that is?”
“I don’t want to say the wrong thing. I don’t want to make a fool of myself.”
“And what are you afraid will happen if you say the wrong thing or make a fool of yourself?
“I will be rejected.”
“So most of the time in conversation your intention is to avoid rejection?”
“Yes. I’m terrified of rejection. I will do anything to avoid it.”
“Jay, what are you telling yourself it means if someone rejects you?”
“It means that they don’t like me because I’m inadequate and unworthy.”
“So in your mind, everyone, especially attractive women, have the power to define your adequacy and worth?”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“So when you are with women, your intention is to have control over how they feel about you so they won’t reject you. Yet you seem to get rejected over and over. How do you account for that?”
“ I guess I’m just inadequate.”
“Jay, how old do you feel when you are being so careful about what you say? How old were you when you started to do this?”
“I guess when I was about 14, when I started being interested in girls. I wanted to make sure that I made a good impression.”
“What made you believe that they wouldn’t like you if you were just you?”
“Well, for one thing my older brother was always putting me down, telling me I was a dork.”
“So you learned to believe that you were not okay for who you really are – that you had to pretend to be other than you are?”
“ Yes, I think that’s correct. I always feel that I have to impress people.”
“Jay, when you then get rejected, aren’t they rejecting your created ego self rather than your real, authentic Self? Isn’t it your wounded 14 year old ego self that is inadequate, rather than your brilliant, creative, funny, successful Self? Aren’t you trying to hide your true Self because you decided, from many early experiences such as that with your brother, that you are inherently inadequate?”
“Yes, I don’t think that who I really am is good enough. So I always have to be careful about what I say.”
“Yet the few times in our sessions when you have forgotten to watch what you are saying, you are incredible – funny, insightful, interesting, and totally endearing. Your true Self is completely lovable and worthy. Yet you spend so much energy trying to hide him, squashing him down in your efforts to avoid rejection. If you were to really get to know and appreciate who you really are, you would stop worrying about rejection! You would know that you are just fine, and that if someone rejects you, it’s more about them than it is about you.”
As Jay did the inner work to reclaim his beautiful essence, his true Self, his fears of rejection gradually diminished. And, of course, when he was able to be authentic instead of controlled and controlling, everything in his life changed, including his relationships with women. After two years of satisfying dating, Jay found the woman of his dreams.
When I first started to counsel Jay, he was very quiet. It felt like pulling teeth to get him to share anything with me, especially his feelings. He stayed in his head, brilliant in his ability to articulate, but flat and unemotional. He words were carefully planned out and delivered. He seemed to always be tense. It was very hard to connect with him.
“Jay, something seems to be in the way of your spontaneity. Are you aware of how carefully you pick your words?”
“Yes.”
“There must be a good reason you do this. Do you know what that is?”
“I don’t want to say the wrong thing. I don’t want to make a fool of myself.”
“And what are you afraid will happen if you say the wrong thing or make a fool of yourself?
“I will be rejected.”
“So most of the time in conversation your intention is to avoid rejection?”
“Yes. I’m terrified of rejection. I will do anything to avoid it.”
“Jay, what are you telling yourself it means if someone rejects you?”
“It means that they don’t like me because I’m inadequate and unworthy.”
“So in your mind, everyone, especially attractive women, have the power to define your adequacy and worth?”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“So when you are with women, your intention is to have control over how they feel about you so they won’t reject you. Yet you seem to get rejected over and over. How do you account for that?”
“ I guess I’m just inadequate.”
“Jay, how old do you feel when you are being so careful about what you say? How old were you when you started to do this?”
“I guess when I was about 14, when I started being interested in girls. I wanted to make sure that I made a good impression.”
“What made you believe that they wouldn’t like you if you were just you?”
“Well, for one thing my older brother was always putting me down, telling me I was a dork.”
“So you learned to believe that you were not okay for who you really are – that you had to pretend to be other than you are?”
“ Yes, I think that’s correct. I always feel that I have to impress people.”
“Jay, when you then get rejected, aren’t they rejecting your created ego self rather than your real, authentic Self? Isn’t it your wounded 14 year old ego self that is inadequate, rather than your brilliant, creative, funny, successful Self? Aren’t you trying to hide your true Self because you decided, from many early experiences such as that with your brother, that you are inherently inadequate?”
“Yes, I don’t think that who I really am is good enough. So I always have to be careful about what I say.”
“Yet the few times in our sessions when you have forgotten to watch what you are saying, you are incredible – funny, insightful, interesting, and totally endearing. Your true Self is completely lovable and worthy. Yet you spend so much energy trying to hide him, squashing him down in your efforts to avoid rejection. If you were to really get to know and appreciate who you really are, you would stop worrying about rejection! You would know that you are just fine, and that if someone rejects you, it’s more about them than it is about you.”
As Jay did the inner work to reclaim his beautiful essence, his true Self, his fears of rejection gradually diminished. And, of course, when he was able to be authentic instead of controlled and controlling, everything in his life changed, including his relationships with women. After two years of satisfying dating, Jay found the woman of his dreams.
Minggu, 29 Agustus 2010
Does the American government see its citizens as its children?
In Americas 230 year history the government seems to have forgotten that there job is to run the government as the people see as best and not the government telling the people what is best for them.
The most recent example is the Internet gambling Ban signed into law last week by President Bush. The bill makes it illegal for banks and credit card companies to transfer money to casinos for the purpose of wagering on sports or games of chance, like roulette, blackjack and poker.
These games are harmlessly enjoyed regularly by millions of Americans everyday, but some people become addicted to these games so the government is telling all of its citizens that no one is allowed to play these games in an online casino.
This is not the first case of the government going against the wishes of the people, in the early 1900’s the government decided that the consumption of Alcohol should be banned, because some people were developing health and mental problems related to drinking too much. So rather then educating the people on the ill effects of prolonged Alcohol abuse the American government banned Alcohol.
But instead of reducing the consumption of Alcoholic beverages it increased, and because the government was not allowing the production or importing of Alcohol, organized grime got into the moonshine business, and eventually the Government saw the error of their decision and repealed the law.
Another great example of a failed policy to protect the people is the war on drugs that the government has been aging since the early 1980’s Billions of tax dollars a year goes into the war on drugs, but what are the results?
The price of drugs has risen, and to support their habits many drug addicts have had to commit acts of robbery and murder to get their drugs.
The American prisons are packed full of people whose only crime was possession of these illegal drugs.
Instead of being an industry that is regulated and controlled you have people selling these drugs to kids in school playgrounds, and shooting each other to protect their territory.
Had the government decided not to criminalize drugs but make it a heavily controlled industry, they could use the tax money for social programs like schools ad to give Americans universal health care.
Please do not misunderstand me I am not in favor for legalizing hard drugs, but the current system is not working at all, but I am all in favor for legalizing online casino gambling.
If I choose to play some hands of blackjack or poker from the comfort of my home what rights does the government have to tell me not to, and what sense does it make that I can not play in a casino over the internet, but I can drive down the street to the local casino and play there.
To enforce this ban millions if not billions of dollars of software and computer hardware will be needed to monitor all of the banks transactions and that money will come from taxes instead of the government taxing online casinos or even having all the online casinos government controlled then they get all the profits to be used to improve the lives of the American citizens, millions of which are bellow the poverty line if not homeless.
The American government needs to start re-thinking its policy of treating its citizens like small children, or the American people need to demand a new government.
The most recent example is the Internet gambling Ban signed into law last week by President Bush. The bill makes it illegal for banks and credit card companies to transfer money to casinos for the purpose of wagering on sports or games of chance, like roulette, blackjack and poker.
These games are harmlessly enjoyed regularly by millions of Americans everyday, but some people become addicted to these games so the government is telling all of its citizens that no one is allowed to play these games in an online casino.
This is not the first case of the government going against the wishes of the people, in the early 1900’s the government decided that the consumption of Alcohol should be banned, because some people were developing health and mental problems related to drinking too much. So rather then educating the people on the ill effects of prolonged Alcohol abuse the American government banned Alcohol.
But instead of reducing the consumption of Alcoholic beverages it increased, and because the government was not allowing the production or importing of Alcohol, organized grime got into the moonshine business, and eventually the Government saw the error of their decision and repealed the law.
Another great example of a failed policy to protect the people is the war on drugs that the government has been aging since the early 1980’s Billions of tax dollars a year goes into the war on drugs, but what are the results?
The price of drugs has risen, and to support their habits many drug addicts have had to commit acts of robbery and murder to get their drugs.
The American prisons are packed full of people whose only crime was possession of these illegal drugs.
Instead of being an industry that is regulated and controlled you have people selling these drugs to kids in school playgrounds, and shooting each other to protect their territory.
Had the government decided not to criminalize drugs but make it a heavily controlled industry, they could use the tax money for social programs like schools ad to give Americans universal health care.
Please do not misunderstand me I am not in favor for legalizing hard drugs, but the current system is not working at all, but I am all in favor for legalizing online casino gambling.
If I choose to play some hands of blackjack or poker from the comfort of my home what rights does the government have to tell me not to, and what sense does it make that I can not play in a casino over the internet, but I can drive down the street to the local casino and play there.
To enforce this ban millions if not billions of dollars of software and computer hardware will be needed to monitor all of the banks transactions and that money will come from taxes instead of the government taxing online casinos or even having all the online casinos government controlled then they get all the profits to be used to improve the lives of the American citizens, millions of which are bellow the poverty line if not homeless.
The American government needs to start re-thinking its policy of treating its citizens like small children, or the American people need to demand a new government.
Sabtu, 28 Agustus 2010
Do You What Are Some Of The Self Improvement Products Available Today?
1. Self improvement audio programs.
One of the most effective learning tools available. In the fast paced world of today, finding time to read can be difficult. But it is easy to use otherwise wasted commuting and traveling time productively.
You can use this self improvement product to transform boring train or flights into inspirational personal development and learning experiences.
Imagine how much information you could take in a matter of months and what it could do to for your motivation to improve your life.
There are also those self improvement Videos and DVD's. Although you may not be able to attend all the seminars and workshops that could have a dramatic impact on your personal development and growth, DVD's and Videos offer easily affordable access to the wisdom and insights of the best self motivation experts. And all this in the comfort of your own home.
2. Self improvement books & eBooks
Self improvement books were traditionally the way that most people discovered the life changing potential of a commitment personal development and self growth.
Most of the classic works of personal development are now also available as eBooks, as are many of the modern greats and bestsellers. eBooks are one of the easiest, most popular and economical ways to expand both your library and your mind.
3. Self improvement coaching & mentoring
Professional self improvement coaching or mentoring is one of the most effective methods of self improvement and one of the best ways to get more out of life generally.
Many of the most successful people in the world contribute a large part of their success, both professionally and personally to the positive influence and guidance of a coach or mentor.
It does not matter if you are an individual trying to make the most of your life, a small business owner or entrepreneur looking for guidance and inspiration, or a senior executive or CEO of a major corporation with responsibilities to shareholders and for large numbers of staff.
Your own personal Coach or Mentor can have a massive impact on your personal development, productivity, results and happiness in every area of your life. Coaching and Mentoring can be face to face, by telephone or online, or often a combination of methods.
Participating in self improvement seminars and workshops with the experts in personal development and self motivation can also be one of the most effective ways to ignite your enthusiasm and passion for life.
This is definitely one of the fastest ways to get you started on the road to a more fulfilling life, and to supercharge your progress toward your goals.
Even if you cannot participate in person and attend a seminar or workshop, there are plenty of opportunities to tune in to a teleseminars with some of the best-known names in self improvement. Many of these are even free of charge so there's really no excuse for not joining in.
Each one of these self improvement products are made suitable to the needs of those who do not have all the time in the world but is still willing to make more out of themselves.
With all the self improvement products already out in the market, people who are bent on pursuing what they want in life have no more excuse for not doing so.
One of the most effective learning tools available. In the fast paced world of today, finding time to read can be difficult. But it is easy to use otherwise wasted commuting and traveling time productively.
You can use this self improvement product to transform boring train or flights into inspirational personal development and learning experiences.
Imagine how much information you could take in a matter of months and what it could do to for your motivation to improve your life.
There are also those self improvement Videos and DVD's. Although you may not be able to attend all the seminars and workshops that could have a dramatic impact on your personal development and growth, DVD's and Videos offer easily affordable access to the wisdom and insights of the best self motivation experts. And all this in the comfort of your own home.
2. Self improvement books & eBooks
Self improvement books were traditionally the way that most people discovered the life changing potential of a commitment personal development and self growth.
Most of the classic works of personal development are now also available as eBooks, as are many of the modern greats and bestsellers. eBooks are one of the easiest, most popular and economical ways to expand both your library and your mind.
3. Self improvement coaching & mentoring
Professional self improvement coaching or mentoring is one of the most effective methods of self improvement and one of the best ways to get more out of life generally.
Many of the most successful people in the world contribute a large part of their success, both professionally and personally to the positive influence and guidance of a coach or mentor.
It does not matter if you are an individual trying to make the most of your life, a small business owner or entrepreneur looking for guidance and inspiration, or a senior executive or CEO of a major corporation with responsibilities to shareholders and for large numbers of staff.
Your own personal Coach or Mentor can have a massive impact on your personal development, productivity, results and happiness in every area of your life. Coaching and Mentoring can be face to face, by telephone or online, or often a combination of methods.
Participating in self improvement seminars and workshops with the experts in personal development and self motivation can also be one of the most effective ways to ignite your enthusiasm and passion for life.
This is definitely one of the fastest ways to get you started on the road to a more fulfilling life, and to supercharge your progress toward your goals.
Even if you cannot participate in person and attend a seminar or workshop, there are plenty of opportunities to tune in to a teleseminars with some of the best-known names in self improvement. Many of these are even free of charge so there's really no excuse for not joining in.
Each one of these self improvement products are made suitable to the needs of those who do not have all the time in the world but is still willing to make more out of themselves.
With all the self improvement products already out in the market, people who are bent on pursuing what they want in life have no more excuse for not doing so.
Jumat, 27 Agustus 2010
Does social anxiety lead to depression?
A defined number of people sometimes experience having a hard time in trying to interact with others. Shyness, isolation, and lack of interest prevent people from having good interaction with others. This is felt by certain individuals and gets to a certain point that is constantly just hard to manage. There are people suffering from a specific type of anxiety. Since anxiety is associated with fear and worry, social anxiety may also have the same characteristics or symptoms. People who are dealing with social anxiety feels that everyone around them is watching their every move, staring at them and whatever they might be doing, and even judging them (even if it is not really true). Socially anxious individuals cannot seem to relax and enjoy themselves while they are in public. These people think that other people are trying to evaluate them in some sort of way, being critical in what they do or say. People dealing with social anxiety feels the self consciousness and the idea of critical judgment while they are in other people's presence. It is considered hardly possible to just relax, focus, and go with the flow when one feels the anxiety and fear at the same time. Individuals dealing with this type of anxiety would probably like to be left alone. They seem to be more comfortable with doors closed behind them. Social anxiety is like paranoia, feeling that other people are observing them, criticizing them, judging them always in a negative way. Authority figures are believed to be the worst type of people that socially anxious individuals can encounter. Supervisors and bosses from their work, and also those who seem “better” then them can make them feel a higher sense of anxiety, fear, and worry.
It is a known fact that not all people are aware of this specific type of anxiety disorder. Some people get diagnosed as having schizophrenia, manic depression, panic disorders, personality disorders, or even clinical depression. All these are just misdiagnoses that may be more damaging to the person with social anxiety. Considering this situation, not all people with social anxiety knows that they have such a disorder, since this type of disorder is not generally discussed in the media. Therefore, they just tend to keep it to themselves, thinking that they are the only ones dealing with this kind of anxiety. Due to this, socially anxious people tend to feel the surge of depression. They do not talk to other people regarding their problems, their feelings and emotions. Everything seems to be negative in some ways, and all their thoughts are regarded as irrational. Social anxiety is serious if not treated as soon as possible. Proper therapy and consultation should be provided to those who are suffering from this kind of anxiety. It is better to get help from therapy professionals in order to avoid an increase in this form of anxiety, since this would worsen as time goes by. Family members can be of big help too, seeing that their loved one is suffering from such an ordeal. Proper communication is key, and social anxiety could be treated in due time.
It is a known fact that not all people are aware of this specific type of anxiety disorder. Some people get diagnosed as having schizophrenia, manic depression, panic disorders, personality disorders, or even clinical depression. All these are just misdiagnoses that may be more damaging to the person with social anxiety. Considering this situation, not all people with social anxiety knows that they have such a disorder, since this type of disorder is not generally discussed in the media. Therefore, they just tend to keep it to themselves, thinking that they are the only ones dealing with this kind of anxiety. Due to this, socially anxious people tend to feel the surge of depression. They do not talk to other people regarding their problems, their feelings and emotions. Everything seems to be negative in some ways, and all their thoughts are regarded as irrational. Social anxiety is serious if not treated as soon as possible. Proper therapy and consultation should be provided to those who are suffering from this kind of anxiety. It is better to get help from therapy professionals in order to avoid an increase in this form of anxiety, since this would worsen as time goes by. Family members can be of big help too, seeing that their loved one is suffering from such an ordeal. Proper communication is key, and social anxiety could be treated in due time.
Kamis, 26 Agustus 2010
Do You Value Yourself?
We all live. We all work. We all wish to have a family, have children, retire peacefully and then pass away. Is that all in our life? What is the true value you put to your life? What are you? What do you want to achieve so that you make a difference in the world? What memories you want to leave? These are questions all of us must ask. Billions of people in the world lead a routine life and pass away. Is that enough/ Can we not do something better? How to make ourselves valuable?
We make ourselves by giving. When we make others happy, we become happy. When we do something unselfishly, we feel good. Most of the problems in our life arise because of absence of giving. Marriages are getting broken for small reasons, because neither the husband nor the wife wants to give in. Both have their demands that must be met, otherwise separation.
Every child wants admission in the best college. Every person wants the best job. Everybody wants the best comfort. All of us want. What about giving? Few of us do that and that is our problem for dissatisfaction in our own life. We are slowly losing our self-esteem because of our own behavior.
Once we begin giving, we will be rebuilding our esteem. Try to help those around you. Tolerate few nuisances. Forgive others for their faults. Don't hurt people with harsh words. Don't act in a manner that destroys a life. Contribute to the world so that the world remembers us for our goodness. All of us may not become saints, but we can surely follow in their footsteps.
We make ourselves by giving. When we make others happy, we become happy. When we do something unselfishly, we feel good. Most of the problems in our life arise because of absence of giving. Marriages are getting broken for small reasons, because neither the husband nor the wife wants to give in. Both have their demands that must be met, otherwise separation.
Every child wants admission in the best college. Every person wants the best job. Everybody wants the best comfort. All of us want. What about giving? Few of us do that and that is our problem for dissatisfaction in our own life. We are slowly losing our self-esteem because of our own behavior.
Once we begin giving, we will be rebuilding our esteem. Try to help those around you. Tolerate few nuisances. Forgive others for their faults. Don't hurt people with harsh words. Don't act in a manner that destroys a life. Contribute to the world so that the world remembers us for our goodness. All of us may not become saints, but we can surely follow in their footsteps.
Rabu, 25 Agustus 2010
Do You Think You're in Control of Your Life?
You’re highly motivated to change, but you still can’t seem to stop behaving in ways you hate. You have excellent problem-solving skills, yet you can’t solve the personal ones that plague you the most. You know that if you do your job well, you’ll probably get a raise and/or a promotion, yet you go ahead and sabotage it. You know that if you’re considerate of people you’ll be well liked, yet you can’t stop being rude. You know that if you’re careful about saving and investing your money you’ll probably enjoy a prosperous retirement, yet you spend carelessly. Why can’t you figure out how to change your behavior and so change your life? Why, if what you’re doing is making you unhappy, can’t you stop doing it?
When we have problems that we can’t seem to solve, many of us start thinking that we’re lazy, inexperienced, or maybe even unintelligent. We do this because it’s too scary for us to conclude the alternative. What is the alternative? That it may not be possible for us to be in control of our lives. If it were so easy to be in control, wouldn’t we all just do it? Make the change, stop the pain, live happily?
Free Choice: Do You Really Have It?
This question of whether or not you actually possess free will has been a hot topic for a long, long time. From theologians to philosophers to the parents of teenagers, the question has been discussed and debated ad infinitum. Why? Because free choice and compulsive self-defeating behavior coexist in all of us.
Who Is Fighting for Control of Your Soul?
It’s not only God and the Devil who may be fighting for control of your soul—you’re right in there too. When you can’t believe that you’re behaving just like your parent did—even though you promised yourself that you’d be different when you were a parent yourself—you are entering the fray. People usually assume that they can control their lives because much of the time, by following good advice, by applying rational strategies, or by appreciating the lessons from past experience, they do in fact succeed. Yet, at the same time, many of us also recognize that our free will is limited. We recognize this most often when we come face-to-face with an example of our self-defeating behavior and we know that this behavior hasn’t budged even though we’ve done our best to overcome it. Which leads me to ask . . .
Willpower and Self-Interest: Enough to Make You Change?
When a magazine presents you with “Five Easy Steps to Losing Weight,” when an audio series offers “Four Tapes to Investment Success,” and a TV personality does back-to-back shows on “The Ins & Outs of Good Parenting,” you know that if you actually had control over life, achieving these goals and improving your life would be as simple as buying a subscription, purchasing some tapes, or turning on the TV. Nice and easy, right? Don’t we wish. But what happens when we do all of the above and we wind up failing anyway? What are we left to believe about ourselves? “I’m lazy.” “I’m stupid.” “I’m a screwup.” But here’s something to think about. Were you “lazy” when you were looking for a date on a computer dating service and you went through hundreds of potential matches? Is that what a “lazy” person does? Were you a screwup when you wanted a job and went out and made sure you got the right training to do it well? Is that what a “screwup” does? And when it came to learning how to use your new computer and you managed just fine, was that being “stupid”?
So actually, those reasons won’t work with you across the board, will they? Then what will? Because it is getting pretty frustrating not being able to use your intelligence, your energy, your determination to succeed in all areas of your life. The solution exists and it lies in our hidden self-destructive motivations.
If you could understand the nature of your hidden negative motivations, you could use that information to change. What if you had an illness, but you didn’t know it was caused by a specific germ? Your suffering could be long and needless because you might not know which of the available antibiotics was the right one to take. Or, let’s say you wanted to make yourself more attractive but you lived in a world without mirrors. It would be difficult for you to know what to do. Did you need to improve you hair, your complexion, or your teeth or your skin? These examples show us the important concept: to solve any problem and change your life . . . look for the underlying causes.
People want to be successful and happy in life. Period. So if you find yourself behaving in ways that you hate, getting bad reactions from people around you, and having little success using willpower and advice to change those actions, wouldn’t it seem that something beyond your control is dictating your actions?
You’re like a well-made ship piloted by a captain who forgot to bring the navigation charts on the voyage. All of the captain’s successes in other areas of his life won’t help him on this particular voyage. So in the next article, “The Major Behaviors We Hate” let’s roll out our own ship’s charts and see how to navigate the choppy seas of our lives.
When we have problems that we can’t seem to solve, many of us start thinking that we’re lazy, inexperienced, or maybe even unintelligent. We do this because it’s too scary for us to conclude the alternative. What is the alternative? That it may not be possible for us to be in control of our lives. If it were so easy to be in control, wouldn’t we all just do it? Make the change, stop the pain, live happily?
Free Choice: Do You Really Have It?
This question of whether or not you actually possess free will has been a hot topic for a long, long time. From theologians to philosophers to the parents of teenagers, the question has been discussed and debated ad infinitum. Why? Because free choice and compulsive self-defeating behavior coexist in all of us.
Who Is Fighting for Control of Your Soul?
It’s not only God and the Devil who may be fighting for control of your soul—you’re right in there too. When you can’t believe that you’re behaving just like your parent did—even though you promised yourself that you’d be different when you were a parent yourself—you are entering the fray. People usually assume that they can control their lives because much of the time, by following good advice, by applying rational strategies, or by appreciating the lessons from past experience, they do in fact succeed. Yet, at the same time, many of us also recognize that our free will is limited. We recognize this most often when we come face-to-face with an example of our self-defeating behavior and we know that this behavior hasn’t budged even though we’ve done our best to overcome it. Which leads me to ask . . .
Willpower and Self-Interest: Enough to Make You Change?
When a magazine presents you with “Five Easy Steps to Losing Weight,” when an audio series offers “Four Tapes to Investment Success,” and a TV personality does back-to-back shows on “The Ins & Outs of Good Parenting,” you know that if you actually had control over life, achieving these goals and improving your life would be as simple as buying a subscription, purchasing some tapes, or turning on the TV. Nice and easy, right? Don’t we wish. But what happens when we do all of the above and we wind up failing anyway? What are we left to believe about ourselves? “I’m lazy.” “I’m stupid.” “I’m a screwup.” But here’s something to think about. Were you “lazy” when you were looking for a date on a computer dating service and you went through hundreds of potential matches? Is that what a “lazy” person does? Were you a screwup when you wanted a job and went out and made sure you got the right training to do it well? Is that what a “screwup” does? And when it came to learning how to use your new computer and you managed just fine, was that being “stupid”?
So actually, those reasons won’t work with you across the board, will they? Then what will? Because it is getting pretty frustrating not being able to use your intelligence, your energy, your determination to succeed in all areas of your life. The solution exists and it lies in our hidden self-destructive motivations.
If you could understand the nature of your hidden negative motivations, you could use that information to change. What if you had an illness, but you didn’t know it was caused by a specific germ? Your suffering could be long and needless because you might not know which of the available antibiotics was the right one to take. Or, let’s say you wanted to make yourself more attractive but you lived in a world without mirrors. It would be difficult for you to know what to do. Did you need to improve you hair, your complexion, or your teeth or your skin? These examples show us the important concept: to solve any problem and change your life . . . look for the underlying causes.
People want to be successful and happy in life. Period. So if you find yourself behaving in ways that you hate, getting bad reactions from people around you, and having little success using willpower and advice to change those actions, wouldn’t it seem that something beyond your control is dictating your actions?
You’re like a well-made ship piloted by a captain who forgot to bring the navigation charts on the voyage. All of the captain’s successes in other areas of his life won’t help him on this particular voyage. So in the next article, “The Major Behaviors We Hate” let’s roll out our own ship’s charts and see how to navigate the choppy seas of our lives.
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