Does the Fear of Rejection Control Your Life?

Jay sought my help because he wanted to get married and have children, yet the relationship of his dreams seemed to elude him. When I first met Jay, he was an attractive, creative, brilliant and successful businessman in his middle 30’s. And he had a great sense of humor. It wasn’t that women weren’t attracted to him. He had no trouble having first dates with interesting, intelligent, and attractive women. But it never went anywhere. Jay was baffled.

When I first started to counsel Jay, he was very quiet. It felt like pulling teeth to get him to share anything with me, especially his feelings. He stayed in his head, brilliant in his ability to articulate, but flat and unemotional. He words were carefully planned out and delivered. He seemed to always be tense. It was very hard to connect with him.

“Jay, something seems to be in the way of your spontaneity. Are you aware of how carefully you pick your words?”

“Yes.”

“There must be a good reason you do this. Do you know what that is?”

“I don’t want to say the wrong thing. I don’t want to make a fool of myself.”

“And what are you afraid will happen if you say the wrong thing or make a fool of yourself?

“I will be rejected.”

“So most of the time in conversation your intention is to avoid rejection?”

“Yes. I’m terrified of rejection. I will do anything to avoid it.”

“Jay, what are you telling yourself it means if someone rejects you?”

“It means that they don’t like me because I’m inadequate and unworthy.”

“So in your mind, everyone, especially attractive women, have the power to define your adequacy and worth?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“So when you are with women, your intention is to have control over how they feel about you so they won’t reject you. Yet you seem to get rejected over and over. How do you account for that?”

“ I guess I’m just inadequate.”

“Jay, how old do you feel when you are being so careful about what you say? How old were you when you started to do this?”

“I guess when I was about 14, when I started being interested in girls. I wanted to make sure that I made a good impression.”

“What made you believe that they wouldn’t like you if you were just you?”

“Well, for one thing my older brother was always putting me down, telling me I was a dork.”

“So you learned to believe that you were not okay for who you really are – that you had to pretend to be other than you are?”

“ Yes, I think that’s correct. I always feel that I have to impress people.”

“Jay, when you then get rejected, aren’t they rejecting your created ego self rather than your real, authentic Self? Isn’t it your wounded 14 year old ego self that is inadequate, rather than your brilliant, creative, funny, successful Self? Aren’t you trying to hide your true Self because you decided, from many early experiences such as that with your brother, that you are inherently inadequate?”

“Yes, I don’t think that who I really am is good enough. So I always have to be careful about what I say.”

“Yet the few times in our sessions when you have forgotten to watch what you are saying, you are incredible – funny, insightful, interesting, and totally endearing. Your true Self is completely lovable and worthy. Yet you spend so much energy trying to hide him, squashing him down in your efforts to avoid rejection. If you were to really get to know and appreciate who you really are, you would stop worrying about rejection! You would know that you are just fine, and that if someone rejects you, it’s more about them than it is about you.”

As Jay did the inner work to reclaim his beautiful essence, his true Self, his fears of rejection gradually diminished. And, of course, when he was able to be authentic instead of controlled and controlling, everything in his life changed, including his relationships with women. After two years of satisfying dating, Jay found the woman of his dreams.

Anger And Rejections

Rejections are normal and we all are told no on many occasions. Some persons have difficulty handling rejections and may react hastily to the other person involved. If you walk in a bank and apply for a loan and are rejected you might stomp out the door shouting obscene talk to the lenders. This is not an appropriate way to handle the situation.

This in fact can get you in trouble and it is obvious that rejections are triggers to your emotions that enforce your anger. Now that you see this is a trigger you will need to learn how to cope with your anger and emotions. We can start with the technique to work through your anger by reducing your stress. If you are a spontaneous person then you will need to learn how to cut back on stressors. If you feel pressured in the morning before going to work, try picking out the clothes you will wear for that day the following evening.

This will provide you an extra few minutes during the morning to prepare for work. If you are running like a mad person to meet classes, then you might want to set up a schedule for your self that includes time management. This can help you learn to prepare ahead and stay on top of things without rushing. Instead of roaming thoughts through your head about what you, need to do each day, try handling one task at a time.

This works wonders once you practice and continue with your strategy. When you feel angry, try taking a few deep breaths before you speak. You may also want to practice exercising since this burns energy and often reduces your chances of exploding when your emotions are threatened. If you cannot handle rejections, coach your mind to believe that the person is not centering you out. Repeat over in your mind that no is a positive in many cases.

For example, if you are married, you enjoy going to the bar to chat with your friends, and your husband does not want you to go, and then think why he said no? Obviously, your husband cares about you since he knows that danger is potentially high at bars. He does not want you to get hurt therefore, he is saying no in your best interest. If the bank turns you down on a loan there is a legit reason. Maybe your credit report needs some repairing, or maybe they felt you income would not cover the loan amount.

Therefore, you best interest was at heart again. We all hear no throughout our lifetime and most times, it is for the best reasons. If you apply for a job and are turned down, it might be in your best interest, since the employers felt that your skills were not on the level that the job required of you. Alternatively, you may be over qualified for the job and when you are rejected, the employers are merely saying we do not have the cash to pay you for what you are worth. Thinking positive is always great for managing anger.

If you are prompt to explode when your emotions are interrupted then it is difficulty to manage your life. If you are angry most likely, all areas of your life seem like an uphill travel. When you gain control this often benefits everyone, including your self. Your life starts to improve and your mind is thanking you for removing stress from its cavity. If you are prone to beat your self up when rejections come your way, you might want to find a positive side of your being and enforce it in your mind repeatedly.

Practice makes perfect and this is a great way to train your mind so that you gain control of your mind and anger. If you are frustrated easily, it is probably because you do not take time out of a day for your self to relax. There is nothing wrong with relaxing. Therefore you can sit down for 30 minutes each day and yoga or think of nothing at all. Finally, we are closing so I wanted to let you know that once you practice the strategies for dealing with anger, pat your self on the back each time you make effort and achieve.